REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Fun With Spirits, Both Alcoholic and Evil

The original ladies are back! The Real Housewives of Orange County premiered last night, which meant the women who kicked off a Bravo-lution are back. Of course, calling them “original” is highly misleading as only one cast member (Vicki) remains from the initial cast, and not even she seems to be composed of all her original parts. Ah, but big boobs, Botox lips, and various nips and tucks are nothing new to this cast, and for the first time, we witness a cosmetic procedure that I actually felt was necessary: Tamra getting her Simon tattoos removed. Now that the divorce with her boor of an ex-husband is complete, she’s gone through a whole empowerment phase, which I applaud, even if she remains catty and awful. Not all her blossoming has been wonderful though. While the tattoo removal definitely earned a thumbs up, I’m not sure I can endorse Tamra’s free-wheeling use of “I’m a free bitch!” It’s like she JUST listened to “Bad Romance” for the first time this morning (regrettably, she’s been using the phrase since last year’s reunion special).Anyway, to celebrate nothing in particular, Tamra decided to have all the ladies over for cocktails and shopping. She even invited her old frenemy (minus the “fr”) Gretchen with a hope of moving on. Good luck with that. Last time I checked, I thought they actually had done a decent job of letting bygones be bygones — at least tenuously — but I guess not. Gretchen reluctantly agreed to join for the festivities, which meant she got trashed beforehand and spent a long limo ride yapping and shrieking at full volume, all the while mocking Alexis’s questionable intelligence.

Now, I’m certainly not on Team Bellino, but I didn’t really get what was so wrong about the way she said “because.” Sure, the whole AIM-ex (instead of Amex) thing was pretty funny, but at least Alexis was pretty game about it. Could this be the first glimpse of a more likable Alexis? Probably not, and given that her Jesus babble has increased threefold, I’m sure her hypocritical actions will be speaking loud and clear soon enough.

Nevertheless, these women were so shrill that I had a difficult time listening to them on screen. And it only got worse once they met up with Tamra at her party. Thank God Vicki wasn’t in her “Woohooo!!!!” mode otherwise my stemware might have cried Uncle and shattered on the spot. It really made me pine for the quiet lunacy of Lynne, who is inexplicably off the show. This was a major mistake in my book (BOOO!!!! by Bravo) as Lynne always provided a different sort of hilarity to the proceedings. Plus, her ongoing saga with her demon teens was oddly fascinating to watch, even if it was frustrating. I guess we’ll have to see how the new girl pans out, but she didn’t even make it on to this first episode. For shame.

As for Vicki, she spent much of the show cooing about her renewed relationship with Donn, which was somewhat sad knowing that they’ve since filed for divorce. When the Vickster wasn’t talking up Donn, she was bashing Slade, bashing Gretchen’s work ethic, or commenting ad nauseum about how Tamra said she’d have her back but only went on to betray her and yada yada yada. Fun times for Vicki.

Much of the premiere was actually on the dull side, but things heated up at Tamra’s party when a certain hat emerged into the fray. It featured an eye that reportedly could ward off evil spirits. I guess the eye must have been off the clock Allison DuBois style because there were all sorts of evil spirits at play. Gretchen immediately donned the cap and made a snarky joke about Tamra being an evil spirit, and this of course was followed by the patented RossiCackle — the one that seems to say “I just said something really bitchy, but I’ll cover it up by laughing like a seabird with intestinal malaise.”

Truth be told, I figured Gretchen was just making light over her and Tamra’s well-documented tension, but turns out she really was just being bitchy. Tamra later put on the hat, and again Gretchen came at her with an attack. When Tamra asked if Gretchen was saying that she was an evil bitch, Gretchen pretty much nodded and said yes. Awwwwkward. It takes a lot for me to veer from Team Rossi, but she was being the evil bitch she claimed Tamra to be. Just because she hates Tamra doesn’t give her the right to be rude at her party (cut to me wagging my finger in my schoolmarm dress). But this is the WIld West. Rules and etiquette don’t exist in Orange County, especially when you’re drunk. Let’s not forget that Gretchen had been slurping down the margs all afternoon, which would explain why she also snapped at Alexis, who innocently joked that Gretchen was a princess for being able to sleep until 8 AM instead of 5. You would have thought Alexis had told Gretchen that her face looks like a yeast infection. Gretchen was not having any of it — and by “it,” I mean logic or manners. She was out of control, and I resent that for at least one episode, I had more favorable views of Tamra and Alexis than of her. But Vicki is still the best.

BRING BACK Lynne.

Here are photos:

“Hey friend, just calling to say that I’M A FREE BITCH, BABY!!! Also, I want to invite you to my ‘Let’s Kill Lady Gaga-isms’ party.”

“Hey Gretchen, I’m calling to invite you to a party I’m having. You may want to bring some sunscreen because I’ll be there, and as we all know, I’m still the HOT housewife.”
“Oh I thought you were the cunty housewife.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that. The phone connection must have melted away on account of my EXTREME HOTNESS, which I have.”

“Okay, my hair is done, my makeup’s done, and I’m dressed like Tweetie Bird. Let’s get to work!”

Vicki: “Our marriage is stronger than ever.”
“Sure is. Okay, now help me move this tabletop.”
“THAT’S IT! I WANT A DIVORCE!!”

“Okay, kids. You get to drink your Jesus milk later.”

“Aren’t these shades great? Now I can protect my eyes from my own HOTNESS, which I have a lot of on account of being the HOT housewife! WHICH I AM.”

“Guys, we need to work. I don’t expect any of you to stop just because I’m going to a toga party.”

Alexis: “I am so glad Jesus told me to wear a shower curtain today.”

Gretchen: “Hahahhahahaha you say ‘because’ like ‘because!’ HAHAHAHAHA.”
Alexis: “I know! Hahahahhahahaha!!!”
“HAHAHAHAHA!!!”
“Hahahahahahah!!!… Wait… what’s wrong with that?”
“I don’t know.”

Smeagol Tamra: “I’m still the hot one right?”
Gollum Tamra: “She takes the HOT. She needs to die.”
Smeagol Tamra: “But I’m a FREE BITCH now.”
Gollum Tamra: “She STOLE MY PRECIOUS HOTNESS. Must have my precious back!”
Smeagol Tamra: “But I’m happy. I’m a FREE BITCH!!!”
Gollum Tamra: “She left you with NOTHING except a penchant for saying ‘FREE BITCH.'”
Smeagol Tamra: “FREE BITCH!”
“Find my precious HOTNESS. Find her and KILL HER!! IT WILL BE MINE!!!!!”

Tamra: “No one just heard that little internal dialogue, right?”
Lady in pink: “Uh, is that why you kept doing those voices?”
Alexis: “This is awkward. Thanks a lot, LORD.”

“These were actually Camille Cocktails, but I’m so hot I must have evaporated half of them away! That’s what happens when you’re hot, you know. Things evaporate. On account of my hotness. Which I have.”

“Tamra, where are the clothes? I’m a working woman. I don’t have time to walk into your living room.”
“Just hold on, Vicki.”
“I mean, I come all the way over here, and I don’t see clothes. That’s about as misleading as you saying you have my back and then next thing I know you’re stabbing me in it and rubbing salt in the wound.”
“Just relax.”
“Wish I could relax. But it’s hard to relax when someone says they have your back and the next thing you know, she’s stabbing you in it and rubbing salt in it.”
“You already said that Vicki.”
“I guess it’s easy to say things repeatedly — just how it’s easy to repeatedly say you’ll have someone’s back and then stab them in it and then rub salt in it….”

“Are you telling me that I’m the only person here who took off all her clothes?”

“IIIIIIIII’m Every Woman!!!”

Gretchen: “I can’t believe you called me a princess. That’s, like, so rude.”
Alexis: “How is that rude?”
“Clearly I am a potentate.”
“A what?”
“I don’t know. Saw the word on Jeopardy last night. [insert horse cackle] MOAR BOOZE PLEEZ.”

Tamra: “Hey girls! Guess who’s a FREE BITCH!!!”
Gretchen: “I thought evil bitch was more appropriate.”
“That is so rude, Gretchen.”
“I know, isn’t it? [insert horse cackle]”
“I hope you and Slade DIE in a burning building, and I can make that happen very easily, on account of my hotness. It causes things to burn down.”
“Tamra, you’re not hot.”
“I’m sorry, but whatever you said, my Evil Eye hat deflected that comment away from me. And for the record, I have a HOT Evil Eye.”

Gretchen: “I can’t believe she called me a princess. Also, I think I just peed in my seat.”

Gretchen: “I am not a princess. I am a working woman.”
“Jesus loves you.”
“I don’t care about Jesus.”
“Don’t say that.”
“I can say anything I want.”
“Jesus would prefer that you don’t.”
“Since when are you the spokesperson for Jesus?”
“Since the fern in my kitchen started talking to me.”
“What did your fern say?”
“Well, if you must know, the fern said ‘Hey you!! It’s Jesus!! You should TOTES be my spokesman!!!’ So I said yes!”
“Your fern did not say that.”
“I’m pretty sure it did. I remember it so well because I was like ‘Why does Mr. Fern only talk to me when I’m snacking on my happy pills?””
“Happy pills?”
“Oh yeah. Lynne gave me some. Wanna try?”

What did you think about the premiere? How did you feel about the Tamra/Gretchen situation? And do we miss Lynne or was she too boring anyway?