Hey, did you hear about Tamra? Apparently she owes Vicki an apology! This was the big lesson we learned on the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County. The two women headed down to Cabo San Lucas in Mexico to mend the wounds they had inflicted on each other last year. Actually, it was more like a chance for Tamra to grovel to Vicki because as you may or may not remember, Tamra said some pretty nasty things about Vicki behind her back last year. Of course, I’m sure Vicki said equally vile things, but I guess she didn’t really get caught, which is why she had the supposed moral high ground in the situation. And boy did she run with it. Vicki spent the entire Mexican vacation lording Tamra’s sins over her head. Whether they were doing shots or eating Caesar salad, Vicki found some way to remind Tamra of her backstabbing ways. It was actually obnoxious (what a surprise) and tacky, but these women are from Orange County. Can we expect anything less?
If I were Tamra, I would have snapped midway through the weekend. I understand that Vicki was hurt, but she seemed to really enjoy kicking Tam-Tam when she was down. Then again, maybe Tamra was just riding the high of her latest five-hour sexscapade with new boyfriend Eddie. Now, here’s the thing. I didn’t want to mention it last week because I thought it might be just too much, but I too like many of this site’s readers definitely picked up a certain vibe from Eddie. The sort of vibe that makes you chuckle knowingly when you hear that he and Tamra had sex for five hours to LADY GAGA. Hey, that’s okay, Eddie. You were born that way.
WHAT? HE WAS BORN AS A NATURAL LOVER.
Nevertheless, Vicki was dead set on getting a proper, formal apology — going so far as to demand that Tamra craft some sort of friendship vows to be recited on the last evening of the trip. It was a bit excessive, but compared to some of the more obnoxious digs Vicki had been taking, it at least had some semblance of friendliness to it. Amusingly though, after all that browbeating, when it finally came time for Tamra to bare her soul, Vicki pretty much rushed her right through it. You’d think that Vicki would want to sit there and savor the emotional groveling, but instead, she seemed to want to brush it under the rug and get back to dinner. Really? After all that? If I were Tamra, I would have been annoyed. Heck, I’m not Tamra, and I’m still annoyed.
Meanwhile, back in Orange County, Gretchen spent the episode pondering whether or not she should get married. She posed the question to her jokey father, and in the end, she decided… on nothing. Not a particularly fascinating subplot.
Over in Bellinoville, Alexis was busy getting her dress line off the ground. And when I say “dress line,” I mean “drapey fabric line.” I swear, Alexis probably looks at the costumes on The Golden Girls and thinks “Those women certainly wear a lot of tight clothes.” Basically, if it can flap violently in the presence of a fan, Alexis wants to wear it. Heck, I’m sure the woman fantasizes about wrapping herself up in sails every time she visits a harbor.
Unfortunately for Alexis, this whole dress thing won’t be around for long. After all, she told us that Jim is fronting the money for the line, and the moment that the dressmaking interferes with the marriage or the children, IT’S DEAD. Clearly, the moment Alexis sees an ounce of success and potential for independence, Jim is pulling the plug. I’m sorry, but a wife earning more than a husband? That’s just un-Christian!
Elsewhere on the show, Peggy had an emotional episode, first opening up about her crippling postpartum depression, then having to suffer the pure panic of having her child prick her finger. THE HORROR!!!
Now, I can totally appreciate the initial panic upon seeing drops of blood all around and on your toddler. However, it didn’t take a genius to know that the cut was pretty tiny. I mean, we could see how small it was from our living rooms. Plus, sweet baby Capri hardly seemed fazed. The kid was just sitting there happy as could be. It was Peggy who was a total disaster, and I was afraid she was going to make Capri cry just because of the tizzy she was in. Nevertheless, husband Micah (who we like) took Capri to the emergency room, and guess what? The bleeding had stopped. No stitches needed! Huzzah! (and by Huzzah, I mean DUH). Nevertheless, it’s good to see that Peggy has maternal instincts, and I’m not going to lie, I thought it was sweet when she got in the pool and helped her daughter swim. I know it sounds like a standard motherly thing to do, but if you think about it, we never see any of these women do stuff like that with their kids. That’s always 100% nanny territory.
Anyway, on to the photocap:
“Hey bitch, get down to the limo. There’s a sale on oversized, bejeweled crosses that we need to get to!”
“Hey bitch, it’s me, Tamra!”
“I don’t like that language.”
“Whatever, bitch. I’m a free bitch, baby!”
“I love being married so much. Jim is a wonderful husband who lets me make all my decisions, pending his approval of course.”
“I WILL NOW DISABLE YOU SONICALLY WITH MY ALIEN DOLPHIN RAY: iy-iy-iy-iy-iy-iy-iy-iy-iy-iy-iy.”
“Here are the rules: no ridiculous behavior, no getting too drunk, and no backstabbing because I know you’re REALLY good at that.”
“I wish Eddie were here. Ah, but he’s probably having a great time catching up on Glee and dancing around his place to Britney and Madonna. God, I love him.”
“This shot tastes nasty — almost like the nasty taste of BETRAYAL that you put in my mouth. YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY!”
“Oh my God. Jesus just totally put another fashion vision in my head. I love having natural gifts!”
“No. This is too hip. I want less Paris Hilton and more Blanche Devereaux.”
“Hi. I’m Heidi Montag. And today, I’d like to talk to you about turtleneck sweaters.”
“The postpartum depression was awful. I would look at my children and say ‘Baby. Baby. BABY. Ohhhhh.’ I’m like ‘Baby. Baby. Baby. NO!’ Like? ‘Baby. Baby. Baby. OH!’ I thought you’d always be mine.”
“Now you’re just reciting Bieber.”
“I KNOW. THAT WAS WHAT WAS SO AWFUL.”
“Hey, have I mentioned in the past five minutes how you stabbed me in the back, poured salt in the wounds, and then stabbed me again? Because I want to be sure we’re clear on that.”
“You really are one psycho bitch, aren’t you?”
Vicki: “I’ll have you know that my vagina is beautiful and perfect. It’s like the INSURANCE INDUSTRY of vag!”
“I swear to God, Eddie and I had sex for five hours. All while listening to Lady Gaga! And all doggie style too! He really got into it.”
“La la la la la. I don’t want to hear this, much as I didn’t want to be STABBED IN THE BACK.”
“Oh no. Capri cut herself. Honey?? IT’S CAPRI!!! SHE’S ABOUT TO DIE!!!!”
“Okay, we’ve waited all weekend. Here comes my very special apology speech that you have mandated.”
“Oh it’s fine. You apologize. That’s great.”
“Wait, what? You beat me over the head with this all weekend, and now you just want to RUSH through the apology?”
“Yeah. Woohoo!!”
“But I have important things to say!”
“The less you talk, the less chance you have of backstabbing me… which you HAVE done.”
“Bitch.”
“Backstabber.”
What did you think about the episode? Was Vicki milking the apology too much? Or did she deserve the groveling?
It really boggles my mind how badly Alexis dresses. I think we have had couches in the 80’s I would rather rip apart and wear as a dress then look like her.
I thought it was kooky the way interrogating her baby. “Where’s that blood from? What did you cut yourself on? Why are you bleeding, baby? Baby, how did you cut yourself?” Did she think the kid was going to answer her?
I’ll give her a pass on that one because I do the same thing to my dogs if they get hurt.
Omygod! The Lady Gaga sex is super hilarious! Could not believe she said that but bless her heart for bragging about it and give her a giant star for not punching Vicki in her big sour-puss face. Ugh. Always amazed at how these women act like ten year olds — either accept her apology or don’t but don’t make her grovel for three days on vacation with you. Stupid.
Peggy’s husband is amazing! I have never seen that level of patience exhibited by a Real Housewife husband. He knows Peggy is fragile and that taking the baby to the doctor was the only way to comfort her — even though the baby was clearly fine — so he just did it. No berating her, no drama, no making her feel like she was over reacting. Total sweetheart. Can only imagine how Jim Bellino would have treated Alexis in the same situation….
Ugh I am picturing Jesus Jim in a pool ick!
I thought Vicki was going to pull out a friendship contract. When she said something to the effect of “Have you written your vows”? I was blown away. My God- a friendship with her would not be worth the effort.
And she was obviously jealous when she was refusing to hear about Tamara’s sexcapades. Girlfriends discuss these things. However, I’m sure she and Donn haven’t put it in in years, which would explain why she was acting so immaturely.
Poor Vicki- I actually almost feel sorry for her.
the debits and credits with which these women conduct their so called friendships is just mind blowing. i mean, honestly, how many times do normal people tell their friends that that they owe them or demand to be courted? it’s ridiculous. sure vicki is the one who said it out lout, but there’s little doubt in my mind that all of these women, likely across all real housewives franchises, take this accounting view of their friendships. the game-iness and the shrewd outlook of “what can i get from you” is so off putting. yuck
This is the only way I know how to process this episode:
Vicki: OMFG – she milked an apology so relentlessly, Lucerne could take lessons. You just know that Vicki got the DVD of last season, sat her ass down with a notepad and pen and wrote down all of Tamra’s terrible comments about her. Then she typed it out on her lap top, and sent it to her crackberry. She ain’t letting go of that… And those spazzy head movements she does – she set a record with them this episode – the tequila drinking, the body shot, the caesar salad (btw, do any of these broads read a menu? Why are they always surprised by food in restaurants?)
Tamra: Just yuck. Staggering around Cabon, the body shots. And really? Boning to Lady Gaga? Marvin Gaye, Luther Vandross, Barry White – I get doing it to them. But “Bad romance” et al for five hours? Methinks some poppers and glow sticks are in Eddie’s night stand, next to the “Shirtless night at the Ramrod” advert. Just sayin’…
Gretchen – ya boring me and yes, you do look like a dolphin sometimes. That is how bored I am with you.
Peggy – I am revamping my opinion of the hubby. He is sweet and patient. And those girls are as cute as buttons. Can’t really snark on Peggy this episode, but I am sure she will do something to earn it soon. 🙂
Alexis – wow, career on a probationary period. Way to go, Gloria Steinem. If Jesus Jim can’t reach the remote, I guess your dream of upholstering america’s women will have to be sadly unrealized.
Vicky & Tamara have no idea how to do tequila shots??? Any self respecting bitch from SoCal knows the order (lick-shoot-suck) since they were 16 but told the bartender at The Long Bar in TJ that they were 18. Sheesh.
hb
i can saw for myself, if not anyone else…i would love to bone for 5 hours to lady gaga
I can’t wait til we don’t like Micah.
Don’t you just love the fact that Peggy has a whole arsenal of guns in her house? I mean, she even admitted that at one point when she was pregnant with Capri (“On the kitchen Table”-H.B.), she thought of shooting herself. These O.C. woman (intended..as they are ALL at their core alike in their ultimate Narcissism) are so kooky, it’s almost interesting.
Eddie does put out the Gay vibe (“not that there’s anything wrong with it”-Seinfeld) and I wonder what will happen when he and Trampra are no longer on camera and POSING as to who they are supposed to be? Will Trampra take it lying down? Or will she blab it to the entire world like the victim she wishes to be.
As far as Simon goes, he didn’t trust this SLUT for a very good reason: she’s worthy of it : by her husband, her friends and her children. Think on that, Trampra..with the 2 or 3 brain cells left in your head. Bring on the ELCHHHHHHHH factor as only you (Trampra) can do! Did you also notice that she had that awful tattoo (sp?) on her backside which had supposedly been almost removed by Dr. Will? Nothing like shooting and showing the whole season out of order. Typical Bravo editing. I suppose that they had to somehow get a cohesive (and semi exciting) storyline out of all this hogwash.
I wouldn’t be waiting around for anyone to be hiring Bravo’s writers and editors EVER. It would definitely be something I would leave out of my resume if I were looking for that type of work.
Eddie’s sister said that Eddie was ‘fostered’ by an older guy when he got to LA and took his last name. Story is on http://www.stoopidhousewives.com
whoa, i think you were a little hard on the “hottest housewife”! Maybe you should not watch this show. Too much venom. I think you should watch foxnews or religion.net.
This show is supposed to be fun…look at Andy! He is always getting his drink on, and loving on “in a gay way” his housewives.
Watch Shameless, one of the best shows on tv, then bitch. These shows are meant to bring entertainment into our lives. I , for one, am enjoying!
Also, Love the Ropers, floaty caftans should always be in style.
Love Shameless. Tampra is a bit too trashy and shallow for that show, though. The kids are really really smart and even William H. is bright, in a drunken kind of way. Notice his almost intelligent pontificating on this and that.
I hate Fox News
and I love to hate Tampra.
Go figure….
Simon??? Is that you? And I don’t mean Simon Le Bon. Take a chill pill. And btw, we got your Trampra message, thanks for repeating it 7 thousand times.
Well Leigh (AKA Tampra)…I just made it 7001 times. Prone to hyperbole? I’m just having fun, so I’ll throw the chill pill back at ya and wish you an “Adios lunatic”.
Strange but true Fact – Alexis is the granddaughter of Audra Lindley.
GET THE F*CK OUT?!?! Mrs. Roper???? The kaftans and flowy garments totally make sense….. It’s in the genes!!!
That is funny, if it’s true!
What I find so interesting is you could never find this anyhwree else.
Can you back up your fact???
Yeah, I def am very intrigued by this.
Rather than a nip-tuck of her vagina, I think Tamra needs to rework the whole thing! Poor Eddie has to act interested for FIVE HOURS!!! – throwing a hot dog down a hallway comes to mind! I can’t wait for him to come out that he’s running away with a hot male model- but I will need one of Peggy’s guns to SHOOT MYSELF rather than hear Tamra tell us what a victim she is! Simon is going to enjoy this play out!
Donn looks like Donn. Wretchen’s dad looks like Donn. Drunk Cabo guy in pool looks like Donn. But we’ve never seen them on camera at the same time, have we?… Hmmm… 😉
Was anyone else grossed out by Gretchen’s dad & his comment to the waitress? She said her name was “Sam,” and he made an entirely inappropriate observation that it could stand for “S and M?” I hope he enjoyed the loogie she horked into his lunch. Then again he supposedly approves of Slade, so it’s not as though tact & better judgement are any of his strong suits.
So Tamra is trying to say that she had sex for 5 hours.
Highly doubt it.
Yes Gretchen’s father’s joke was lame. As lame as Gretchen always talking about Sladesex.
I just wish he would have ended with a big ole’ donkeylaugh after he said it.
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki…I swear she wakes up in the morning and gargles with a bottle of jackassery.
All this talk of five hours… Is anyone else who watches Jersey Shore constantly reminded of Snooki’s talk of whiskey?
*whiskey dick. Sorry. Apparently I’m drunk.
Micah is a pussy, Slade is a creep, vicky did an effing friendship contract and I can’t believe you didn’t call her out on it. (She was a little less subtle than Ms Peter whatever)
Peggy is Bahnahnas and not in a Rachel Zoe kind of way. This just all solidifies my love for the OC bitches. GOOD SHIT people, everyone else, take notes. Miami sucked.
Superb information here, ol’e chap; keep bnriung the midnight oil.
Was really creeped out/amazed during the whole episode at how much Peggy looks like Heidi Montag!! The most obvious similarity is the weird chin thing they have happening. I wish I could sketch it here but it reminds me of a w.