Bravo did a bold thing last night: they aired an episode of The Real Housewives of Miami without Elsa Patton! For shame! I suppose they made up for it by giving us a whole thirty-minutes of the series’ breakout star on Watch What Happens Live!, and yes, I did watch what happened, and yes it was pretty amazing. The good news was that for the first time, RHoM actually was pretty good. Sure, there was a lot of dumb filler material (ie. Cristaaaaaiiiihhh strutting during a fashion show), and much of the episode felt patched together from what should have been “Lost footage” (ie. the scene with Marysol and her new husband fighting over a wine fridge), but we had our first girl-on-girl altercation of the season, and that is always something special.
Basically, tensions between Lea and Cristy came to a head when Adriana stirred the pot at Larsa’s luncheon and brought up the whole “invoice” issue (this season’s lame equivalent of “New York City” from Beverly Hills). There was some restrained bickering, but nothing too outrageous. Lea didn’t budge, Cristy didn’t budge, and the only one who truly came off looking like a jerk was Adriana.After the luncheon, Cristy and Larsa spoke a mile a minute as they vented about the other women. Cristy was annoyed at the awkward position she’d just been put in; Larsa was annoyed that her luncheon had been ruined. RUINED!!
Friggin’ Larsa Pippen.
This woman is really the pits. I have mad respect for husband Scottie, but Larsa is just awful. It’s bad enough that she clucked about her own perfection on a previous show; this time around she happily embraced competitiveness and announced that she wished to be the best of all her friends. And this is why basketball wives are known as catty bitches. Because they are.
In an effort to impress everyone, Larsa decided to throw her luncheon at an Italian eatery that appeared to be helmed by Nintendo’s inspiration for Bowser. Truth be told, the food this guy whipped up looked delicious, and I would have been very happy to have joined along in the cooking class he gave, but I simply could not embrace it because I knew that doing so would validate friggin’ Larsa Pippen and her catty competitiveness. The stupid woman was so eager to be the best that she actually baited compliments by asking things like “This is the best food yet, right?” SHUT UP.
She said some other awful things last night, but I think I must have blocked them out.
More amiable is Alexia, who comes off as a truly friendly person. Of course, it helps that she always seems to have hot guys floating around her (this week was model William Levy, who can be seen inevitably every week on The Soup). Anyway, Alexia’s big news this week was that she got into a car accident. Don’t worry: she’s fine. I, however, am not. All season long Bravo has been hyping up this car accident, and guess what? It took up all of two minutes of screen time and had no effect on anything excerpt some dumb fashion show that no one cared about. It’s a sad state of affairs when even a car accident isn’t exciting.
Memo to Bravo: retool this franchise STAT.
As for Marysol, she finally tied the knot, and it was about as exciting as watching the Botox slowly spread through her muscle tissue. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I’ve yet to see any wedding on a Real Housewives episode be entertaining. We don’t care about sentimentality. We care about women making asses of themselves. Case in point: Lea’s perky motivational speech she gave to some teenage girls. She said something about putting energy into the universe or whatever, and all the women simply stared back at her with empty, perhaps bored, gazes. This caused Lea to scoff at their inability to process her genius, and I consequently snorted. This woman is too great to be stuck with such a boring cast.
Here’s the photocap:
And with that, Madame Tussaud’s puts its final touches on Marysol’s wax sculpture.
“I cannot stop looking at you, William Levy. It’s part of our culture, you know. We love music, we love to dance. We love flirting with Telenovela stars.”
“Don’t be shy, ladies. Grab a meatball. I shaped them to look like me.”
“They look like normal meatballs.”
“Wow, I really am the best.”
“I dedicate this kiss to President Sarkozy. ALORS!”
Marysol: “I’m so glad we did this, even if it is cold.”
“That’s okay. You know how much I love seeing your nipples erect.”
Marysol: “One moment, Your Honor. I need to grab my breath.”
“YOU need to grab YOUR breath? Bitch, I’m 75, and you made me shlep all the way to the top of this mountain. How you think I feel??”
“Oh yes, this is so fun for me because you know, I am Cuban. We love music; we love to dance; we love to take pictures of half-naked men for our secret porn collection on our iMac.”
“Okay girls, today I’m going to teach you how to succeed in life. How fun is thaaaaaat???”
“First thing you’re gonna need to do is find a blazer that looks like it was skinned from the lovechild of Papa Smurf and a snow leopard!”
“I hope you all paid to listen to this speech. Otherwise I’m gonna INVOICE YOU! How fun is thaaaaat???””
“You know, you have to put the energy out there in the universe. Maybe if you didn’t pay the invoice, you wouldn’t become Madonna. How fateful is THAAAAT???”
“Well, time’s up. I’d love to hang with you gals, but I gotta go try on twelve dresses at once. How efficient is THAAAAAT???”
“Oh my God! You got into a car accident? Did it happen in front of any of my friendssssss?”
“Raymundo. It’s Herman. I want you to find whoever did this and gut him the way we gutted that pig.”
“I’m just seeking justice.”
“You’re right. We’re Cuban. It’s what we do. We love to music, we love to dance, we love to gut pigs.”
It is a fashion EEE-MURRRGENCY, and it needs to be EVACUATED.
“You okay, my love?”
“Yes, I’m fine. I’m Cuban. This is what we do. We love music, we love to dance, we love to be shaken up after a car accident.”
“Wow. I can’t believe all of my friendsssss are here. Look at all my friendsssssss.”
“I shouldn’t be cooking. A cook should be cooking. Where is he? No matter. I’ll just INVOICE him. How fun is thaaaaaat????”
“I have the BEST plate of the BEST food at the BEST luncheon we’ve EVER had.”
“How the hell am I supposed to know where my son is?”
“Look, Cristy, you’re making me mad. And the madder I get, the farther apart my boobs go.”
“I can’t believe you would invoice me and my friendssssssss when so many of my friendsssssss were already at your event. I mean, what is your life without your charity? It’s sad. Helping people? Am I right, Larsa?”
“YOU RUINED MY LUNCHEON (which still ranks as the best so far).”
What did you think about this second-to-last episode? Should Adriana have mentioned the charity ticket at the luncheon?