I’m happy to report that The Real Housewives of Miami is slowly getting its voice. The show still lacks the fun or urgency of out-of-the-box-hit Beverly Hills, but I gotta admit that writing about these women (and talking about them on Housewives Hoedown — Wednesdays at 12:30 PST!) is a blast. They don’t offer much, but with the flurry of accents and idiosyncrasies, it’s kind of a bonanza for me.

This week saw its first major altercation; although, regrettably it came not between two of the women. Instead the battlers were Adriana and some random dude at her gallery. Here’s the back story:When Adriana isn’t forgetting to pick up her son at school, she’s busy running an art gallery, and in this episode, she was planning to stage an art opening to celebrate the work of a local Miami artist. The problem was that this guy was super lazy, which says a lot when we’re talking about Adriana who a) forgets her son at school, and b) apparently arrives upwards of two hours late TO HER OWN EVENTS.

Anyway, because the artist didn’t fulfill his obligation of thirty-seven pieces, Adriana thought the opening might need a little more pizzazz. Enter a SECOND artist, who she had dribble some figures on a canvas on the floor. It was actually fairly cool, but not everyone was a fan: particularly Adriana’s artist. I don’t know much about these things, but apparently it’s poor form to have one artist paint at another’s opening. Makes sense. Nevertheless, the artist’s friend Tommy was not about to have this. He tracked down Adriana and lit into her like a crazed banshee, but A wasn’t about to take this BS. She snapped back vehemently, all while Lea watched on proudly. Lea, of course, wouldn’t have had any of these problems (the artist would have fulfilled his order a week prior), but even if she had, she would have decimated this dude.

Lea, you see, is a problem solver. At a luncheon earlier in the episode, she took great pleasure in telling people to “STOP!” This would then be followed by a series of quick fixes and some passive-aggressive comment like “That’s all you have to do right there, and then you won’t be late! Ha HA!!!” If only someone had told her to stop before she put on that pseudo-avant garde item she wore to Adriana’s opening. The poor woman looked like she’d fallen through a screen door.

Looking better was Lea’s new nemesis Cristy, who continued to be about as vapid as one could be. She didn’t get much screen time this week, but the little we did see of her was more than enough. She proudly clucked about checking out the hottttttttest new clubs and barsssssssss and then reiterated that SHE should have been paid to go to Lea’s event. The dumb girl made it sound like she was doing Lea a favor by putting on a nice dress and popping in to say hello. According to her, it was an appearance “in good faith,” which made literally no sense whatsoever. If anything, an “appearance in good faith” means that Cristy will then pay her later. Idiot.

Cristy also regaled us with a fascinating story of how her car wound up with a flat tire that night, resulting in her arriving at the gala IN A TAXI. Oh the shame!!! The horror!!!! Seriously, someone send this girl to a farm so she can get kicked in the face by a cow. I don’t advocated violence against women, only idiots.

Happily enabling Cristy was Larsa, who continues to quietly be a piece of work herself. She’s smarter than Cristy for sure, but every week she says something that makes me like her less and less. First of all, her whole gambit about how a flat tire would have made her want to bail on the gala was ridiculous. It’s called AAA, bitch! You just stand there and look pretty for twenty minutes. Ain’t no thang.

More obnoxious was Larsa’s selfish side which came out in what she probably would say were only jokes. First, when husband Scottie called to say he was being inducted in the Hall of Fame, she literally asked if SHE’D be getting anything also. What the? I’m sure it was a joke, but y’all know there’s truth in jest. The same spoiled nature came out later in the episode when she bemoaned not having a painting of herself on Adriana’s gallery wall. Listen, Larsa, if you want a giant portrait of your face on a wall, you gotta throw an Independence Party with helicopters and poets, mmmkay?

Lastly, we had Marysol, who really did nothing this episode except drop by her mother’s place, and THANK GOD FOR THAT. Elsa is a national treasure, and watching her babble on drunkenly was fantastic. The woman clearly has a wry sense of deadpan humor, but let’s not get it twisted: she’s also a drunkard. We’re both laughing with her and at her (but mostly with her). Memo to self: never send her paper flowers.

Oh wait, we had Alexia too, but she did nothing but harangue her son for like twenty minutes about a ring. Kind of boring (although, she’s still one of my favorites in this cast). Here are photos:

Marysol: “So what are you going to do about Cristy?”

Larsa: “I think we can all agree that I’m the most FAMOUS person in this club right now. After all, I am the world renowned LARSA PIPPEN!”

Cristy: “Oh my God, you guysssssssss. I love to danccccccccccccccccccce.”

Lea: “I love you Larsa, but why you hoarding all the water glasses?”
“They’re mine. I want them.”
“STOP. Here’s what you do. You give one to each of us, and now your problem is solved.”
“But I’m Scottie Pippen’s wife. I deserve more glasses.”
“STOP. Here’s what you do. You get over your ego and give us the glasses. Problem solved. Ha HA!”
“But I don’t want to give you the glasses.”

“I can’t believe the way Lea bosses us around. It’s almost as bad as the way the NBA wants to induct Scottie into the Hall of Fame without giving ME anything! Do they know who I am? I am Larsa GODDAMN PIPPEN!”

Adriana: “Sorry I’m late. I got tied up at the Inspector Gadget convention.”

“How you pay for that ring? You think Ken bought Barbie a $600 ring when he was in high school? I mean, I guess we’ll never know since they don’t speak, right? So, like, maybe he did buy her a ring or maybe he didn’t. We’ll never know, right?”
“Yeah, I get it, Mom.”

“Marysol, you seem surprised to hear that your mother is a witch.”
“No, no. I’m not surprised. This is just the expression my face was frozen into four years ago.”

“MARYSOL! You need to be eh-yoo-cated about paper flowers. I no come to this country to sniff paper flowers. Why you so hot? I shiver in my house. I’m a, how you say, WITCH. Oh, Marysol, so drunk. I tipsy Marysol. Why you not give me more wine? I feel gooooood Marysol. Why you wash your hands? Ay, my nightgown.”

Alexia: “Okay, let’s pose for the lower people.”

“Hahahhhaahhaha. ART.”

“Oh my God. Aaaaaart is so boring. It’s all like paint and sssssscupltirsssssssssssssssss.”

“I found my glasses at the bottom of a bin at TJ Maxx. Don’t you just LOVE them?”

“Don’t know what to wear to an art opening? STOP! First you wrap some tinfoil around your glasses, then you wrap yourself in chicken wire, and put a big ring on. Solved! Ha HA!!!”

Lea: “Are you looking at the painting or are you looking at the mesh tutu I’ve repurposed as a shawl?”

“Adriana, I am LIVID that you would have another artist paint at this opening. LIVID!”
“HEXcuse me, but do you know who I am?”
“Please honey, you’re not THAT important.”
“Hexactly. This ain’t the MOMA. So get over it you HASSHOLE.”
“I will not get over it!”
“HEXCUSE ME, but your friend just got on national TV. HOKAY?”
“Oh. Well. I guess there’s that.”
Lea: “Just invoice him and be done with it. Ha HA!”

“No stepping on the painting!”
“The only thing I want to step on IS YOUR FACE.”
“No, I have good makeup. Step on painting.”

“I just got a face lift RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT. Ha HA!”

What did you think about this episode? Is the show coming together?

8 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MIAMI PHOTOCAP: Artistic Differences”

  1. “Elsa is a national treasure.” And with that, the term “national treasure,” once reserved for such luminaries as Betty White and Amy Sedaris, goes the way of the confederate dollar.

    The problem with this season is that these women are such terrible actresses that it’s impossible to believe what they’re doing, and even the artificially constructed plots are boring. I’ve deleted my season pass.

  2. I really like Alexia but I can’t SSSSSSSSSSSSTAND Christy, she is so annoying and I swear she looks like she is on ssssssssomething- her eyes are glosssy and she has bagsss under her eyesss. LOL

    Larsa is equally annoying!! she is cute but her thinking she is the shit is NOT cool.
    I am still not 100% invested in this (hahah who am i kidding) no but serously, lets SPICE it up spanish chica’s!!

  3. I like this cast. The drama is light but funny, unlike the dark and explosive conflicts in NJ and ATL.

    Lea is hilarious. That outfit was so kooky. And when she joked about checking everyone’s shoes to see who stepped on the painting, you just know damn well that’s exactly what she would’ve done if it was her event.

    As for Larsa and Christy, I find their self-importance deplorable.

  4. I have to say I don’t like any of these women, but Christy is the worsssssst, followed by Adriana. The blonde lady’s son is a little hottie, though!
    I think this is the first housewives franchise I’m tuning out of, but I’ll still keep reading your genius photocaps, B-Side! Looking forward to NY!!!!!

  5. Haven’t made up my mind about this one yet. I dont love it enough to Tivo it… Bravo shows everything a zillion times anyway. But NY I would never miss because I could watch those over and over again. I’m hoping Miami heats up .. no pun intended

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