JERSEY SHORE PHOTOCAP: The Last Supper

To quote Snooki: WAAAH! Jersey Shore wrapped up its third season (or is it the second half of the second season?) on Thursday, and I can already feel a void in my life. A year ago, I would have said that sarcastically. Now I say it sincerely. I never thought I’d love this show as much as I do, but quite frankly, without getting my dose of Pauly D hamming it up on TV every week, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. I guess maybe make real friends, not ones from television.

Needless to say, the season finale ended like any other episode of the season: there was light Vinny drama, plenty of Pauly D screaming, an assortment of Snooki noises, and even a Deena flipout for good measure (they’re rare, but funny). Oh, and Ronnie and Sammi fought. Again.

Let’s break this latest fight down, shall we? It all started during the previous episode when MIke called up his buddy Arvin, who told Ronnie on the phone that he had hooked up with Sammi. She then jumped on the call and denied, denied, denied, but her whimpering voice seemed to tell another story. We know Sammi Sweetheart: when she’s pissed about something, she screams like a banshee (assuming said banshee were a drag queen with bad makeup). Sammi was hardly yelling. Instead, she accused poor Arvin of lying.

The liar, however, was Sammi, and not so long after, she admitted to Ronnie that she had hooked up with Arvin two and a half years ago. This was all the ammo Ronnie needed to lord his power of her again, and in this case, he was somewhat justified. After all, she had blatantly lied to him, made him look like a fool (sort of — he does a lot on his own to that effect), and basically destroyed her own moral high ground. What truly made Sammi look pathetic though was how easy it would have been for her to have avoided this situation if she had just unapologetically admitted everything from the get-go: from having invited Arvin to Karma to having hooked up with him in the past. But I suppose that requires some sort of self-empowerment and sense of self-worth, two qualities that Sammi proudly rejects every time she crawls back to her oaf of a boyfriend.

Oh, and yeah, Ronnie and Sammi are boyfriend / girlfriend — even though her whole thing after returning from home was that they weren’t going to be boyfriend / girlfriend. According to her, Ronnie had changed. Because that can happen over the span of one week.

Well, we knew Ronnie and Sammi were an official item after one last drunken night at the clubs. Everything had been going well until Ronnie spotted Sammi talking to her male friends. This pissed him off considerably, and rather than having trust (strange concept, I know) in his girlfriend, he instead fell into a jealous rage (he’s changed so much!!!), later huffing and puffing his way home with Sammi on his tail, asking him pathetically why he didn’t want to walk with his girlfriend. GIRLFRIEND? Sad. So very sad.

When the gang eventually arrived at home, Sammi then wanted to sleep in the same bed as Ronnie, but when he rebuffed her, she followed him upstairs, and then one thing led to another, and they began yelling violently at each other yet again. It was all more of the same, and quite frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if they got off on it.

Eventually, Ronnie came stomping downstairs, weeping like a baby, while Sammi sat in her own puddle of sorrows. The next day, after the booze had worn off, the Rammi braintrust convened and discussed the state of their relationship. Ronnie wanted no part of it — happily placing all the blame on Sammi for the couple’s failures. He’s not totally wrong: the girl is an irrational bitch with serious self-esteem issues. But let’s not overlook the obvious: Ronnie is no saint either. He’s possessive, controlling, and rage-filled, and while I think as a person, he seems a whole lot more put together than Sammi, the two truly feed off each other. He manipulates her, blames her for everything, makes her feel like shit, and she accepts that role happily, seeing it as her mission to fix and help the man that she thinks she so desperately needs and loves. In other words, they’re both awful.

Nevertheless, sensing that she was losing her grasp on Ronnie, Sammi then offered up some neat guilt tactics by saying that Ron was her best friend, and she didn’t want to lose that. Mmmmhmmm. First of all: spend less time with Ronnie, and maybe you’ll find a new best friend. Second of all: this is why these relationships wind up in never-ending cycles of awfulness. Rather than simply go separate ways and spend alone time, the idiots try to be friends, which can never be because there is too much resentment that only gets complicated by inevitable booty sessions. This leads to more fighting and more drama and more idiocy.

So in conclusion: Ronnie and Sammi are the worst.

I’m not the only one who thinks that. Everyone in the house thinks that too. When there were concerns about Snooki being jealous of other girls hooking up with Vinny, she adamantly told us that yes, she’d be upset, but she was NOT Sammi and Ronnie. Quite frankly, being compared to Sammi and Ronnie seems to be on par with dropping the A-Bomb. And by that I mean “Angelina.” That’s what Vinny did when Deena cockblocked him, and she could not have been more upset. As Pauly noted, being called “Angelina” is the very worst thing anyone could possibly do, and you know what? I agree.

But seriously, Deena was being a cockblock.

“ARVIN, did we hook up? DID WE HOOK UP?”
“Yeah, we had sex.”
“Why are you lying?”
“I’m not lying. I remember it very clearly. We had sweaty, interracial sex.”
“You’re making that up!”
“No, I’m not. Afterwards you looked at my penis, pointed at your vagina, and asked ‘Are you friends with haaah? ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH HAAAAH???'”

“Just tell me the truth, Sam. Did you hook up with Arvin?”
“Truth? Yes. But I was twenty-one. Now I’m twenty-three, going on twenty-four. I’m a different person now. I’m much cuntier.”

Danny: “Hey you, big lug. Gimme that shirt.”
“Stop it, Danny. You can’t destroy it. What do you think this is? ALL OF SAM’S POSSESSIONS?”

“For real, yo, this Gawker redesign makes no sense.”

“I’m a party in a glass, and this drink needs a stir! Get it? Because your dick is the stirrer.”

Deena: “Whoa, you’re my best friend and all, but your breath smells like shit.”

“I’ll have you know that the flower in my hair was made with dried splooge.”

“Hey Sam, just want to let you know I’m sorry for being immature.”
“Thank you.”
“You didn’t deserve that, even if you are as pathetic as the drooping flowers in our centerpiece.”

“Mmmmm… I love how your lips taste so tingly.”
“That’s ’cause I practice making out with a bottle of Axe body spray.”

“If I evah got a drug habbit and Darren Aronofsky made a movie about my downfall, this would be the DVD cover.”

“I HATE you RON. I HATE YOU!!!! You want to snuggle?”

“I HATE YOU!!! JUST WALK OUT THE DOOR!!!”

“I can’t believe you’re walking out the door. Is that how you treat your girlfriend?”

“DON’T COME BACK!!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN!!!”

“So you’re just gonna turn away? You’re, like, my best friend. I want to see your face.”

“I HATE YOUR FACE!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”

“Oh? So you’re just gonna leave me alone?”

“I just got SUCH a good idea! Why don’t I just shoot myself in the head rather than listen to these two any longer?”

“I’m sick of this relationship, Sam. I’m sick of it.”
Sam: “So you want to stay together?”
“No.”
“Okay…. can we talk?”
“We’re already talking.”
“But sometimes if we move to different couches and say the same things, it’s a little better.”
“No, Sam. I’m through.”
“Okay. So that’s it? You don’t want to talk?”
“We ARE talking.”
“Okay…. you want to talk?”
“STOP IT.”
“No, you listen to MMMMEH! I want to talk!”
“What do you call what we’re doing now?”
“Talking.”
“So what do you want from me?”
“To always be talking.”
“Why?”
“If you don’t know the answer, then I’m through with you.”
“Fine.”
“Fine.”
“Smush in ten minutes?”
“Yeah.”

What did you think about the season finale? Will Ronnie and Sammi ever learn?