JERSEY SHORE PHOTOCAP: A Not So Dormant Situation

Guess what? Sammi and Ronnie fought on last night’s episode of Jersey Shore! Who would have thunk it? Things had started off so peacefully for the two idiots too. Actually, not really. The show opened with them still arguing over the whole Arvin situation from last week, and in case you forgot, the allegations were that Sammi had hit up The Situation’s friend Arvin and had invited him to Karma. When Ronnie found out, he flipped out (shocking!) and blamed Sammi of being inconsiderate of their love (news flash: they were single). After all, while Ronnie was crying and sending roses, Sammi was arranging her next hookup. Naturally, Sammi was a bitch.

But why was Ronnie crying again? Oh, because he had destroyed all of Sammi’s belongings and essentially scared her out of the house. But again, SHE’S in the wrong for hitting up a guy while she was single. Nevertheless, stupid Sammi wound up apologizing to Ronnie for hitting up Arvin (something that was well within her right as a single woman, mind you) and then admitted that had Ronnie done the same thing to her, she would have been livid. I believe her exact words were “I would have killed hah!” Truth be told, Ronnie has a right to feel burned by Sammi, and Sammi would have had a right to feel the same had the roles been reversed, but these two idiots must remember that they were broken up and that all’s fair in the single life.Nevertheless, Sammi obviously still has massive feelings for Ronnie, and as she groveled for her forgiveness, all the personal growth we thought we had witnessed during her trip home went out the window. There had been no growth, and as we learned last week, she merely wanted Ronnie to chase after her, make him realize what he was missing — not actually improve herself.

Of course, we knew there’d be no real growth because a) Sammi is an idiot, and b) girls like Sammi need intensive therapy before they can grow. And so there we were, watching her beg for forgiveness when in reality what she did “wrong” (which was actually nothing at all) was so much less significant than the violent outbursts of Ronnie we’ve been seeing episode after episode. But that’s the fun with dysfunctional, abusive couples: they just don’t have any logic. Also, they’re the worst.

Well, things mellowed out for the two love/hatebirds, and the two enjoyed a lovely (read: boring) night at home drinking wine, which led to a festive round of smushing. Again, might I remind you that this guy fully obliterated her possessions just ten days prior. The only thing more pathetic was Sammi complaining the night before that she had to go to sleep ALONE. Really? This was the same girl who two episodes ago was proudly proclaiming her independence, and now was glum that her gorilla thug boyfriend didn’t want to sleep with her.

Nevertheless, it seemed like the two were finally hitting a calm groove when all of a sudden Ronnie’s mom called. He was unfortunately at the doctor with Sammie, which meant the roommates had to chat with Mrs. Magro-Ortiz, who just happened to be wasted. Ronnie’s mom is a lush? But he controls HIS alcohol so well! Oh wait…

Anyway, The Situation wound up chatting with Ronnie’s mom, and being the instigator that he is, he told her about the entire Arvin situation. This understandably pissed off Ronnie and Sammi, and once again, it was all unearthed. Sitch accused Sammi of being sneaky and sketchy (an allegation that had been previously leveled against her during Vinny’s amusing and drunk “battle” with her). All she could respond with was “You’re a crock of shit!” causing Mike in turn to reply “You are the worst argument person” — a statement that would seem to go against what Mike had previously called “the laws of intelligence” (of which there are none).

Truth was Sammi just had to say, “Yeah, we were broken up. So what?” But Sammi is dumb, lest we forget, and rather than having an ounce of self-worth and confidence in her decisions, she concerns herself with how she appears to Ronnie, which means she often has to lash out at people like Mike, who admittedly was stirring the pot.

In the end, the guys all concluded that she was a sneaky bitch, and the lover broke up for the umpteenth time. Sammi meanwhile expressed frustration that Ronnie wouldn’t believe her and proclaimed that she too was done with him.

We’ll see how long that lasts.

The episode ended with the guys calling Arvin, who revealed that he had in fact made out with Sammi before. This sent Ronnie into a typical roid/jealous/cocaine rage, and I’m sure we’ll see him thrashing Sammi’s junk about anew next week. After which they’ll make up, canoodle, and Sammi will announce that Ronnie has really changed and is trying and that even though they fight, she loves him. Oy vey.

Elsewhere on the episode, Vinny let out his inner-douchebag by demeaning poor Snooki, who does a fine job demeaning herself thank you very much. After having kicked out a DTF girl, Vinny grabbed Snooki’s hand and pretended to take her to his room as Plan B. It was actually a very obnoxious move, and while Snooki often seems pathetic in her quest for Vinny’s junk, she didn’t deserve that. Luckily, the girl has some self-respect, and unlike Sammi, she wouldn’t let Vinny off the hook for his bad behavior. Truth be told, she probably still wants him to put it in her though.

Pauly also showed some asshole colors when he kicked a poor girl out of the house before they even had locked lips. The girls seemed genuinely offended, and she should have been. Call me crazy, I didn’t think she looked that bad. She certainly wasn’t a grenade. Nevertheless, Deena did make a salient point (yes, I did just write that) when she reminded us that the girl did in fact come over for sex; so if she got humiliated in the process, that’s her own problem. And quite frankly, at the end of the day, we love Pauly and Vinny; so they can do no wrong.

Anyway, on to the photocap…

“Ron, I’m sarry. I’m saaaarrry.”
“Whatever.”
“I shoulda nevah hit up Arvin.”
“It’s whatever.”
“I’m sarry. It’s my fault. Will you listen to mmmeh?”
“It is what it is.”
“I’m sarrrry. I mean, even though you totally trashed all my belongings, destroyed my glasses, implicitly threatened me with violence, and cornered me in a room just now, I’m sarrry.”

“It’s a nice day for a walk, Nicole.”
“Yeah. Can I blow you behind that tree?”

Danny: “This might hurt a little.”
Ronnie: “Just close your eyes and think of something fun: like destroying all of Sammi’s belongings and then making her feel like she did something wrong. Hahaha.”

“If I were in Super Mario Bros., I’d be the part where the leaf comes out of the box and when you touch it you become a raccoon, which doesn’t make any sense but I like it because I like leaves and raccoons and boxes. DENIM DENIM DENIM.”

“Who’s going to do sex with me?”

“I’m not stalker. I just thought I smell falafel over here.”

“This one heeyah can go home, and that one theyah can stay.”
“You’re a dick, you know?”
“GTF: gym, tan, find out that I’m an asshole! YEEEAAAAH BUDDY!”

“Wanna be my sloppy seconds?”
“That’s offensive.”
“Sorry.”
“Okay, I’ll blow you.”

“Wow, Ronnie’s mom is so drunk. I can already hear her destroying Sammi’s glasses over the phone.”

“Mike, you’re a crock of shit.”
“Say what you want. You’re sketchy.”
“You are a crock of shit. CROCK OF SHIT!!”
“Keep repeating it, sweetheart.”
“CROCKOFSHIT!”
“You can’t even defend yourself.”
“Yes I can.”
“Say something else.”
“Okay.”
“I’m waiting.”
“Fine.”
“Say something original. I dare you.”
“…”
“Ha!”
“CROCK OF SHIT!!!”

What did you think about the episode? Is Sammi in the wrong? Is Sammi sketchy? Is Ronnie playing her? Is the Situation looking out for Ronnie or just stirring the pot?