When we last caught up with The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Nene and Kim were in the midst of an loud, angry, and generally silly brawl about Kim’s alleged manner of addressing her assistant, Sweetie. Nene didn’t like the way Kim treated her; Kim felt it was none of Nene’s business. They were both right, but ultimately, it truly was none of Nene’s business, which is why everyone was puzzled as to why she was so fired up about it. That being said, it was clear the fight was about more than just Kim’s demeanor. Nene had unfinished business and unresolved emotion with her frenemy, and it all spilled out in not just last week’s imbroglio but also about five different impasses on last night’s episode.
The show began with the women still fighting, and for all of about thirty seconds, they returned to civility as they strutted off the tour bus and rejoined their cast mates — Phaedra (who looked surprisingly good — or at least as good as she can look), Cynthia, and Sherayay. There were hugs hello, and Kim greeted everyone with her new favorite word, “love.” As in, “Hi, LOOOVE!!!” It was all very Michaele Salahi 2010.
Anyway, much to the shock of the non-bus-bound women, the bickering started anew, with Nene happily volunteering to choke Kim and squeeze her eyeballs out (with an added “Bloop bloop” for emphasis). I know we were supposed to be enthralled by this ridiculousness, but I cared more about the strange velociraptor peeking out of the bushes in the background. That’s right: velociraptor.
Turns out the women had arrived at the estate of Kim’s friend, who is not only a saucy, German real-estate mogul, but also a collector of anything tacky, life-sized, and vaguely threatening in a “What would happen if all these things came to life in the middle of the night?” way. Not only did the guy have several dinosaurs on display, but also his childhood dog (taxidermied), several fake butlers, and a good amount of art that needed to be blurred out for the Bravo cameras. Watching Phaedra and the others examine the works was a thing of a beauty (and comedy). A later examination of a centaur on a ceiling mural caused further amusement. The Sistine Chapel this was not.
Amusingly, even though the German dude (I forget his name. Robert? I’ll call him Fritz) was more than accommodating the women, Nene was anything but friendly to him. First she mocked his friendship with Kim, and then she dissed his artistic vision (calling the place a zoo). True, it was a zoo, and true, it was tackier than most things we’ve seen on the Housewives, but Nene could have been a hell of a lot more gracious.
Truth was that Nene was a monster this episode. We had a return to Season Two Nene, who was less fun and snappy and more brash and spoiled. As awesome as Nene is, she truly is a diva, and when things don’t go her way, she’s awful.
Nene went particularly nuts when Sherayay’s main gay Lawrence popped up at the estate. In case you’d forgotten, one of the main triggers of the explosive fight last week was Kim requesting rooms for her assistant Sweetie and Kandi’s assistant Don Juan. Nene made a whole big stink about it being a girls-only weekend, which is why the arrival of Lawrence further set her off.
Oh, the girls-weekend. Or the girls-night. Is there ever and event that causes more drama for the Housewives? Lest we forget Ramona vs. Simon at Jill’s dinner party? Or how about Vicki vs. everyone during HER trip to Miami last season? There’s always at least one person who screws up the event’s mandate, and there’s always one woman who goes ballistic about it. Heck, there should be a reality show called “Girl’s Weekend” where a group of women attempts to execute such a thing WITHOUT bringing a plus-one. It’s a goal loftier than world peace, it seems.
Anyway, Nene soon brought her friend Diana out to Miami, and when Kim saw this, she told Sweetie not to leave. This got Diana all in a tizzy, and she began uttering my favorite demand: “Keep my name out of your mouth!” It’s truly the most ridiculous thing to say, especially because Diana meant it very literally. She did NOT want Kim to say her name at all. Kim noted that she simply said the word “Diana” as a point of reference, but that was more than Diana could comprehend. Kim then asserted that she found it hilarious that Nene had made such a big deal about Sweetie staying at the house when she herself had brought Diana along. At this point Nene noted that she had NOT made a big deal about Sweetie. Um, Nene, we all adore you, but maybe you ought to rewind the tapes. You know, to the part where you got up in Kim’s face with your finger and SCREAMED.
Luckily, we had Kandi on hand to do her patented sideways glance. That’s right, Kandi. You keeping it real. Also, let’s give a shout out to Kandi’s hair. Brushed back, it looked ten times better and stripped several years off her. I don’t know why she insists on keeping that lil’ red poof.
Well, the shit show continued as the group headed to a HUGE outdoor music venue (a.k.a. a random stage with about two hundred people watching) where Kandi sang her anthem, “Fly Above,” which was allegedly written about Kim (according to Kim). Kim also dressed up like Tweetie Bird and sang “Tardy for the Party,” which is always a treat. Afterwards, the women watched Cynthia strut around in a fashion show, and while the woman is gorgeous, Phaedra wasn’t out of line for making light out of certain cottage cheese qualities of her physique.
Afterwards, the gang reconvened for lunch where Cynthia devolved into tears as the ladies asked questions about the upcoming wedding. Nene gladly pounced on her friend and suggested that they leave Miami RIGHT AWAY and go back to Atlanta where they could sit in pajamas and get facials. LAME. This was quickly turning into a Ronnie-Sammi situation.
Luckily, Sherayay wasn’t about to let a night of strippers go to waste. She marched into Cynthia’s room and reminded her that the women had flown down to Miami to support her (translation: BITCH, I spent money to get here!) and that they could still have fun (translation: did you forget that we have STRIPPERS?). To the dismay of Nene, Cynthia decided to enjoy her final night in Miami, which meant it was time to cue the men dancing in thongs. Ahem, I mean “Entertainers of the night,” as Phaedra calls them. Turns out these guys were her clients, which made little sense to anybody. In fact, I’m not sure I understand much of Phaedra’s client roster. So far we’ve seen a pothead, a spurned member of Destiny’s Child, and now two strippers. Oh, and Bobby Brown. It’s a colorful group, to say the least.
Nevertheless, the girls did manage to have a fun time with the entertainers of the night. There was also some randy bedroom talk, and once again, Phaedra proved to be hilarious when she gave Kandi a high five after purporting to love oral sex. It doesn’t translate into text, but just know that the moment elicited a belly-laugh.
Next week, all this wedding crap comes to a head with a will-she or won’t-she runaway bride moment for Cynthia. Can’t say I care very much, but hey, as long as there’s good drama, I’ll be happy. Here’s the photocap:
Sherayay: “What the hell happened on that tour bus?”
Cynthia: “And why is there a velociraptor in the hedges?”
Nene: “I’m gonna squeeze out your eyes: bloop bloop!”
“Bitch, you choked me.”
“And I’d do it again, if I could!”
“Well, let me get a smoke in first. Hey, that can be my new song: ‘Don’t get choked before you’ve smoked. Whoa oooh whoa oooh whoaa oooh whoaa. Her hands are around my neck / girl, i say what the heck? / I need to grab a ciggy / before we gone get jiggy / whoa-oooh-whoa-ooooooh-whoaaaa / tightrope.”
Sherayay: “Look at this huge tour bus!”
Phaedra: “You know, I represent many tour bus companies, who in turn drive around many ENTERTAINERS OF THE NIGHT.”
Cynthia: “OMG! MY OVERSIZED GLASSES HAVE DISAPPEARED.”
“I don’t know why Nene is such a bitch. It’s my life. If I want to call you a slave, I can do that. I just want to be free.”
Sweetie: “Um, as the slave, I think I’m supposed to want freedom.”
“Whatever. Get me some Chick Fil-A. NOW!”
“Hey y’all, I just peed in the jacuzzi. So what? It’s my life.”
“Excuse me. I don’t bring no drama, okay? So keep my name out of your mouth. If you say ‘Diana,’ it better be in reference to the moon goddess, the princess, and/or an erroneous reference to Shelly Long’s character from Cheers, mmkay?”
“I did NOT make a big deal about Sweetie staying at the mansion. All I said is that ‘BITCH I DON’T WANT YOUR F&@KING SLAVE SWEETIE STAYING IN THE MOTHERF&#KING HOUSE!!!'”
“And in case y’all wondering, my earrings were woven on a dollhouse loom by a pygmy marmoset. BAM! They’re talented creatures!”
Cynthia: “So… how does it feel to apply makeup to the GREATEST MODEL IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD?”
Kandi: “So when do the strippers get here?”
ShereÃ©: “Are they arriving by helicopter? With a poet?”
“I JUST CAN’T BELIEVE WE HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER YEAR FOR REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS.”
Nene: “Girl, why you crying? Problems with the wedding?”
Cynthia: “No. I just keep getting startled by all the fake butlers in this house. I mean, seriously!”
ShereÃ©: “Listen, I came down here to celebrate YOU, Cynthia. Don’t tell me that I used my Miles by MilÃ© for nothing!”
“Mmmmhmmmm!!! I do love me an ENTERTAINER OF THE NIGHT!”
“STICK IT IN ME!”
What did you think about the episode? Was Nene in the right? Or has she gone off her rocker?