JERSEY SHORE PHOTOCAP: In Search of a Mind Condom (Ribbed, For Our Pleasure)

I am so FRIGGIN behind on my Jersey Shore photocaps that I decided to just scrap the first two and start with coverage of last night’s third episode (or rather, the sixteenth episode of season two, which we’re still in). In case you haven’t been following, the gang has relocated back to Seaside Heights, and holy crap, the show is still amazing. In some ways, it’s actually getting better. Miami was surprisingly enjoyable — we all thought the magic would be gone now that the cast had become bona fide media celebrities. However, as fun as Miami was, the show really seems to work best in Jersey. On the home turf, the kids come alive. Of course, on the home turf, the kids are also mega superstars, which is why nearly every exterior shot features literally crowds of people in the background, clearly cordoned off from the action by producers. It kind of drains some of the magic from it all, but that’s okay. There’s still plenty of silliness to go around, and most of it was on display last night, which was certainly the best episode of the new “season.”

As usual, things began with a focus on Sam and Ronnie, who continued to bicker ceaselessly about their dumb relationship. Spoiler alert: you guys are both idiots and will never be truly happy together. It was utterly frustrating to listen to these two argue in circles, with Sammi demanding that Ronnie ‘fess up to infidelity, and him denying it. He would push the focus onto her (“What do you want me to say?”) and she would send it right back to him (“You tell ME!”). This went on for about forty-five hours, but finally Sammi had a breakthrough: turns out Ron is an ass and Snooki ain’t so bad. The two girls buried the hatchet at the t-shirt shop (much to the dismay of Pauly D, who alleged a pure disgust at listening to all the touchy-feely crap and yet seemed quite happy to be a witness to it all). Sammi then went and squashed her beef with Deena Nicole, who has proven to be quite the affable new addition to the cast. The consolation tour, however, skipped the J-WOWW station, and if we’re to believe their words, it seems as though Sammi and Jenni will probably never be friends again.

Other surprises to come out of this mess were The Situation having salient insight into Sam and Ronnie’s relationship (Mike mused about how Sammie won’t be able to grow as a person if she’s with Ronnie), and Ronnie coming up with his first funny, quotable line EVER: “I need a mind condom… because I’m getting mind fucked.” Or something like that. What strange things have befallen this episode!

Later, the gang all headed to Karma, where Deena was promptly ejected after having toppled from a platform. She may have been sent home, but we still had plenty of characters in tow to keep things lively. Case in point: the Israeli stalker from last season. Clearly she wasn’t happy about the massive hit her reputation took, courtesy of Pauly D and MTV; so she retaliated by tossing a drink in his face and punching a camera. Not sure her rebbe would approve.

Meanwhile, as Sammi and Ronnie giggled like besties again (hate them), Snooki and J-WOWW headed up to a closed area of Karma and danced the night away… until J-WOWW had to use the lav. But why bother with bathrooms if you have vacant corners instead? Yes, J-WOWW skipped the loo and squatted down behind an empty bar where she made a lady puddle semi-discreetly. It wasn’t the classiest moment of all time, but at least she had the common sense to wash her mess down with one of the water hoses. In the grand scheme of things, I tend to think that’s not the worst liquid assault Karma’s seen back there.

After the club, everyone returned home — Vinny got with his broad; Pauly didn’t get with his; and The Situation (who had previously suffered a booty attempt by Deena the night before) got to work cooking turkey burgers with Ronnie. Unfortunately, the burgers were frozen in one giant mass; so the guys opted to put the whole thing on the barbecue and thaw it by fire. This seemed unwise and inefficient, but in the end it worked. Methinks it’s time for Food Network to greenlight Jersey Cooking..

With all the partying at the club; Snooki was in no mood to work the next morning (a.k.a. afternoon). It had been a tough episode for Snooks. First, she was spurned by Vinny, whose manhood had become the object of Snooki’s desires. Vinny told her he cared about her too much, but Snooki wasn’t about to accept that. “Stop caring and fuck me,” she protested, instantly adding a new line in the annals of modern feminism. Nevertheless, after several sad, pathetic attempts to wrangle Vinny’s salumi , Snooki was sent to bed empty-handed/mouthed, but the misfortunes didn’t end for her there. She then went tanning the next day with Pauly, and accidentally applied too much bronzer or whatever to her ass, causing it to itch and burn like nothing before (suuuure, it was the lotion that did that…). Snooki’s low-tech solution? She plopped herself into a minifridge. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a minifridge talk, but I could swear I could hear this one yelling “Why me??? WHY????”

And so after a few rough days, here was Snooki, hung over and forced to work. She wrapped a blanket around her, and still wearing her Karma outfit and slippers, she plodded to work where she spent much of the day trying to literally funnel a beer in the back closet. When that failed, she headed off for “coffee,” and by “coffee,” she clearly meant shots and pickles and cocktails because that’s what she did.

By the time Snooki actually got off work, she was fairly blitzed and trading shots with old people at the bar (she also prompted some nasty middle-aged making out that the cameras caught). Luckily for Snooki, she ran into J-WOWW and Deena. Unluckily for J-WOWW and Deena, they now had a total mess on their hands. Snooki soon went bounding down the boardwalk like a drunken, pink bowling ball and urgently asked everyone where the hell the beach was (note to readers: the beach was DIRECTLY TO THE RIGHT OF HER IN TOTAL EYESHOT). She probably meant, “Where’s the entrance to the beach?” but this is Snooki: we never really know.

Anyway, Snooks soon ambled out onto the sand where she happily did one of many face plants. Her girls tried to keep her in check, but she was totally out of control. Meanwhile, a giant crowd of onlookers had gathered on the boardwalk to watch her; so clearly her drunken display was not going to get by the cops unnoticed. Truth be told, they didn’t even want to arrest her, but she was a total mess (again, the faceplants), and when the cops helped escort her up to the boardwalk, she mouthed off — calling them assholes. Well, that’s the magic word. The coppers slapped some handcuffs on Snooki, who soon changed her tune to “I’m a good person.” Deena, meanwhile, began to cry, which made no sense, but was amusing nonetheless. Poor girl wasn’t there the year before when seemingly everyone wound up in the clink at some point or another.

Now Snooki is locked up with nary a pickle in sight. What’s she to do? I guess we’ll find out on Thursday…

“I call this potato The Vinny.”

“Hey guyyyysssss… after I’m done, we’re gonna have to spray this fridge with Syphilis-Be-Gone.”

Sammi: “Whoa. Whoa. Calm down. I want to see a movie.”
Ronnie: “Look at me. Look at me.”
“What?”
“You want to see a movie?”
“YES.”
“Which movie?”
“YOU TELL ME!!”
“How can I know which movie you want to see if you don’t tell me!”
“You know which movie you want to see! WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME!??!?”
“I’m not a frickin’ rocket scientist, Sam. I can’t read your mind.”
“Rocket scientists don’t read minds.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“YOU TELL ME!”
“I feel like I’m playing some mental version of Chinese checkers.”
“Chinese? Oh that’s real NICE.”
“What?”
“Your ex was Asian. How do you think that was supposed to make me feel, saying Chinese like that?”
“Sam, what is wrong with you?”
“YOU TELL ME!!!”

“Hey Snooki, I hope you don’t mind, but I’m pretending like you’re Ronnie right now.”
“And I’m pretending like you’re a keg of Schlitz.”

“Someone call management. There’s like a puddle of urine back here. Oh wait, that’s mine.”

“This is from Golda Meir.”

“OMG, you are the hottest juicehead I’ve seen since I finished those twelve shots!”

J-WOWW: “C’mon, Nicole. Get up. You’re embarrassing us.”
Deena: “Think about that for a moment. You’re embarrassing us. US. And this is coming from the one who fell off a platform at Karma last night.”
“And I wear stripper clothes to the opera.”
“You go to the opera.”
“Nah. That’s just what I call the gyno’s office.”

“I’m a good person! Don’t do this to me, you jerkoffs! I’m a good fuckin’ person!! Here, let me touch your cocks. All three of yous at once.”

What did you think about the episode? And the season so far?