The Real Housewives of New Jersey got a little extra money in its budget this season, which meant the ladies — or at least three of them — were allowed to zip off to Italy (or East New Jersey) for a lavish family vacay that admittedly looked quite fun. The genesis of the idea came in the wake of a scary car accident Joe Giudice wound up in after he flipped his car in a TOTALLY SOBER way. Sure, there may have been booze in his system, but as he clearly explained to his wife and the Lauritas, he was so shaken up by the incident that he just had to down FOUR SHOTS OF SCOTCH. Luckily, those shots were conveniently available to him at his dad’s house, in front of which he had his big crash. So to repeat, Joe was driving soberly and coincidentally totaled his car in front of his dad’s house, at which point he went and took some shots. He did not, I repeat, did NOT get drunk at his dad’s house and then crash as he drove away. That absolutely did not happen.

If this highly suspect story is already making you snicker and roll your eyes, fear not. It gets better. Joe then explained the cause of his wreck. Turns out he was tired; so he yawned. And when he yawned, he closed his eyes for a second. One second! (read: he passed out) And during that time, he just happened to accelerate the car, which makes sense because every time I yawn, I am often compelled to depress my foot authoritatively. Clearly, this was all one big happy misunderstanding…

Of course, the upside is that no one got hurt — even Danielle had to concede that point when she discussed the accident with her favorite gal-pal Danny. She of course pounced on the news with childlike glee, happily suggesting that perhaps Joe had been up late drinking at a strip club. It was an assertion based on no evidence whatsoever, but who cares? It’s thoroughly entertaining watching Danielle attempt to trump up controversy. Meanwhile, I like how she tries to blight Joe with allegations of gentlemen’s clubs while simultaneously overlooking her own checkered past as a stripper. Of course, back when she wrapped her vag all over a pole, it was much more “burlesque”; so who am I to judge?

With all the stress of this car wreck in their lives, Teresa felt she needed to get away. And so was born the idea of an Italian vacation. The wives all raced off to their spouses to pitch the idea to them, with Caroline having the most difficult job of it. Albert wisely predicted that there’d be a million kids running around and said he’d only go with Caroline if it were just a couples thing. Sure, said Caroline. It would be couples only.

Cut to the Giudices as Teresa informed all her girls that the family was going to Italy. This was going to be a disaster. Poor Albert was going to be living a nightmare, thanks mostly to Teresa’s wild bunch of spoiled girls, who bawled no less than three times a minute for the duration of the episode.

Yes, we’ve known for a while that the three-headed monster of Gia, Gabriella, and Milania are trouble, but never had we truly experienced it like this we did last night. To be fair, Gia doesn’t seem to throw tantrums. But Milania. Oh Milania. She is a disaster. She’s always been a disaster, but wow, an entire hour with her was more than I could take. That being said, the girl was so horrifying that I actually found myself laughing countless times at her bawling and screaming and whining. I mean, I’m sure half the passengers on their cruise ship secretly wished they’d hit an iceberg, just to put themselves out of their misery.

The coup de grace, of course, was that when the entire group (minus Jacqueline and her son, who were suffering from the dizzies) gathered for Milania’s fourth birthday dinner, the girl passed out before her cake could arrive and then bawled and screamed when Teresa tried to rouse her for the big moment. No shock there though. This was hardly what you’d call a kid-friendly event. The group was in the “fancy” dining room probably way past her bedtime. It seemed like this was a party for Teresa, not her daughter.

Of course, Teresa and Joe never disciplined their kids — not that they ever have before. When Milania stood up in a gondola in Venice, I was shocked that the only reprimand she received was a casual “sit down.” Pretty much the only time Teresa raised her voice at her daughters was before the group even left for the airport when she thought her daughters had knocked over a stupid, giant vase. Turns out, however, that it was Jacqueline’s possibly-soused mother who had stumbled into the thing by accident. Yeah, she totally Joe’d it. Either way, I commend her efforts to banish at least one tacky item from that God-awful household.

Just about the only person to properly discipline the girls was Caroline, who hilariously ruled the roost with an iron fist when she got stuck on babysitting duty. Watching her call the shots with the girls was borderline exhilarating. It’s so rare to see on TV, let alone life in general, parents who know how to discipline kids. It’s no wonder the Manzos have yielded such a good brood of young adults. I truly felt bad for Caroline being stuck with the bambinos, but part of me thinks she secretly enjoyed it. And even if she didn’t, I certainly did. Crabby Caroline has been possibly the most wonderful revelation since we learned that Danielle considers hair pulling a lethal attack.

As for Jacqueline, she spent the hour acting like a dumb teenage girl who thinks she’s the shit. Whether she was being coy with a chef’s hat or rubbing her ass on an elevator wall or screwing around on a piano, Jacqueline proved that she’s got a whole lot of Ashley in her — or rather, Ashley’s got a whole lot of Jacqueline in her. Not a good thing.

Anyway, here’s the photocap:

“So I was driving, you know? And I was tired; so I yawn, and like a mook I shut my eyes. Just for a second. Maybe it was the alcohol. I dunno.”

“Anyways, so I says to myself, ‘Wake up!’ but instead I hit the gas. You know, because when you yawn, you accelerate. Scientific fact.”

“I promise you, Albert, there will be no little bambinos running around.”
“It’s just the couples??”
“Just the couples.”
“We won’t get stuck having to babysit any kids?”
“No kids.”
“We won’t have to put them on a giant pillow and twirl them around?”
“Not at all.”
“Okay, fine. I’m in.”
“Great. Oh, one more thing: there will be kids, and we’ll have to babysit all of them, and it will be awful. Love you!”

“Did you hear that Joe Giudice was driving drunk? What was he doing drinking that late anyway? You know, strip clubs are open that late. Just sayin’. That’s also the time that serial killers strike. Justin sayin’. And I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure vampires and terrorists like to go out late at night. Just sayin’.”

“You know, I’m starting to think I should call the cops on that Joseph Giudice. I think it’s very apparent that he was trying to drive his car into my house. Granted, he was nowhere near my house, but I know a SADISTIC car wreck when I see one. He was too drunk to get the address right. Good thing. If he had, next thing you know, I’m pinned under a tire, I don’t wake up, and then my daughters don’t have a motha. THEN ARE THEY HAPPY? THEN ARE THEY HAPPY???”

“I don’t mind missing Italy. I have a big modeling gig anyway. You’re looking at the new face of Bob’s Scrap Metal Depot.”

“Let me tell you a something about my family. We’re as thick as thieves, and we stick together until the end. Although… I wish we wouldn’t because these kids are driving me nuts.”

“Tre, I’m feelin’ sick. I’m gonna barf, Tre. I feel like I’m Not Drunk and driving again.”
“Joe, you’re funny. Let’s have sex on the gondola.”
“Tre, not in front of the girls.”
“Tre, I’m gonna barf.”
“Tre, hows about I take yous to Chanels instead?”

“Where’s Tre? Did she go to Chanels again? Tre?”


Jacqueline: “You know, my daughter is just so out of control. Sometimes I think she’s a real idiot. I wonder where she gets it. OOOH! Let’s go rub our asses on the elevator shaft!”

“Tre, I told yous. I don’t wanna fuck no more. I already banged you three times last night, and once in the ass. Oh, Gabriella. It’s you. Never mind.”

“I don’t see nothin’ wrong with taking four shots of Scotch after getting into a wreck. It’s like that time I came upon that dead body that had been freshly stabbed. I was so scared I went and dunked my hands in all sorts of blood. And the would you believe they thought I murdered him myself? Sheesh.”

“Hey Joe. JOE. Remembah last night when you licked my coochie? JOE! Tell ma about my coochie. MA, Joe’s gonna tell you about my coochie.”

What did you think about the episode? Did you find it as surprisingly hilarious as I did?

43 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Italy or Bust!”

  1. why is it that my summer travels have only taken me to the exotic climes of florida, while these flunkies get to go stink up italy with their idiocy, jingoism, flash, trash and shrieks. NOT FAIR. also, i’m not saying it’s right, and i’m not saying they’re the only ones to blame, but theresa, jacqueline, et al. consistently displayed behavior that makes americans so abhorrent to non-americans….just sayin’. ugh.

  2. oh and to chris and joe spending their holiday abroad discussing danielle: WAY TO ENJOY ITALY, YOU CHUMPS! gosh, what a sad group of morons. don’t get me started on the trying to recreate the decision tree that led theresa to dress her children like a bunch of matching a$$hats in a foreign country…i would say “those poor kids” but, like, they’re super spoiled and i am clearly jealous of their vacation (and wardrobe)

  3. I gotta say, my first thought was strip club too. No evidence except that the four of them had dinner together and the next thing you know, it’s 2:00 and Joe’s out drinking alone. He tried to ditch Teresa at the christening too. What a class act.

  4. It was so annoying to continue hear Theresa compare their ship to the Titanic. A tragedy that killed 1,500 people isn’t really something to be fondly nostalgic/cutesy about.

    1. Oh, I’m sure they’re (I’m including Jacqueline on this one) not even aware that the movie Titanic was based on actual events.

  5. Ugh. Teresa and her entire family are completely insufferable. My hatred of Teresa is actually pushing me into like crazy ass Danielle a little more.

    Caroline is the best one of the bunch.

  6. Horrific clothes for those brats. Where do you even find stuff like that? Talk about gawdy Italian!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Am I the only one who can see that these kids maybe spoiled but they are very loved by thier folks also. I so admire that thier parents care so much for them, better than some who just dont care and the kids end up on the streets or worse…..they end up without a motha. THEN ARE YA’LL HAPPY? 🙂

    1. They are horrible parents who have done their children a terrible injustice by raising them with no boundaries. They are nasty spoiled brats.

      1. Theresa’s kids for the most part are always mind their manners and she does have a very good loving relationship with them. Especially the oldest. There is a respect, love and admiration between them. Unlike what jaqueline has with her daughter. I feel there is nothing but embarrassment and disgust between those two.

  8. Teresa, Joe and kids are all AWFUL! First why wasn’t there kids activities on this cruise? Apparently this cruise was designed for old people. The girls are totally spoiled and annoying, but really who has a dinner party for a four year old birthday? And if it’s late and your kid is sleeping when the cake comes DON’T WAKE THEM UP! I have a sister in law with 5 kids and they all dress really cute and have perfect hair, but they are the most bratty kids I know. It’s total chaos when they are around and I cringe every time I have to spend a weekend with them. I could totally feel for Caroline. I would have gone crazy on that vacation.

    I totally see how Joe and Teresa got 11 million dollars in debt.

    My first thought when I saw how stupid acting Jacqueline was “Ohhh…that’s where Ashley gets it from”

    1. HB..love those 2 words but what do they mean? They have a wonderful feel on the tongue…

  9. From the way they dressed to how they acted, the entire Giudice family made me sick.
    Caroline is the only person on the show that has any sense (although why she went with the whole brood is beyond me).

  10. Burlesque clubs must not be open that late. “Suggesting”‘s last call must be what? 11? 12?

    Did Don’s secretary mention family in Paterson last Sunday on Mad Men?

    1. Yes – Patterson, NJ got a shout out on Mad Men! Apparently, Allison is from Patterson, so those b*tches at SCDP better watch out!

  11. Poor Albert. My heart went out to him. What an awful trip for him (and Caroine and all the grandparents).

  12. Can someone please refresh my memory about how these families are related? Is Jacqueline’s husband Caroline’s brother? (And Dena’s?) And where does Teresa fit in?

  13. hahahahah @ leftway. I had a split-second RHONJ flash when that happened. She said she was going to her sister’s or something in Paterson for NYE.

  14. I’m sure when they stepped off that plane, all of Italy went “You already left us…please, go back to America and continue your horrifying behavior there.”

    I usually think Caroline’s segments are boring, but I have to admit, it was nice to see the ax lowered on the Giudice girls for once.

    I totally loved it when Theresa ran to the room when she heard that crash. She was so ready to go nuts over the vase until she found out it was Jacqueline’s mother.

  15. Cannot stand those little guibratties, but was anyone else nervous when one of them was standing up on the gondola and looking “fabulous”?
    Teresa is a horrible mother. She has them for “show” and to brag (about what I don’t know), but I have rarely (if ever) seen her give them real, honest, motherly love and care. She’s down right awful
    And yes, Ashley does take after her mother. She does as her numblick mother does, not as she says.
    I wish everyone but Caroline and Al would stay there and spare us here in the U.S. with their stupendously stupid sensationalized selves. They are just G-d awful. And when will this facakta franchise end already!!!????

  16. I’m dying to know how much Theresa’s ugly “growth” ring cost. Haven’t seen it on the auction site!

    1. Oh, they didn’t show the deleted scene where she got it from a bubble gum machine.

  17. Everyone of the show is a moron (except maybe Al). I now watch to see the expressions on Joe’s face, which are usually “where can I get a drink”. Why do we have to see Theresa in heat all the time. Caroline has to babysit so u 2 can knock one out. I’m getting disgusted with her and her big hair, face, and *ss. She’s selfish and pathetic.

    Caroline needs to get a life and stop whining to Al that she’s all alone. He gives her a great life, nice house, money… stop complaining and get some girlfriends and help out at some charities and let Al do his job.

    Jacq does think she’s the cat’s meow. I guess she is compared to Caroline, Danielle and Theresa, but other than that… uuugghh! And what’s with her husband gossiping with Joe about Danielle. Such a chick thing to do. Do these people need the money this bad that they will sell their souls for america to watch! Please recast New Jersey…. but u can keep Joe cuz he’s interesting to watch.

    1. What did Theresa say? “Apparently Venice is made on the water?” I think we should stop picking on her because she really only has an IQ of about 25 and can’t help being so stupid. I had to turn off the sound & just read the captions because I couldn’t take all the screaming coming from her.

  18. I was having an anxiety attack for Caroline-why in the hell would she agree to watch those brats? And I liked how Jacq & Teresa were barhopping on the ship & talking about how’d they’d get the grandparents to watch the kids the next night so they could have a night out with the guys-you know, cuz they need the break! How about you watch your own damn kids & let your parents enjoy the friggin’ vacation for once??!! I also wondered if they were out at like 4 p.m.-either that or there was only 12 other passengers on the cruise.

    Did anyone else think Chris’s bullshit meter was going off every time Joe tried to explain his acccident? He had this look on his face like he just smelled a fart.

    1. Bravo must have received the off season deal of a lifetime. It was the dead of winter there. They all looked like they were freezing on the gondola ride and you’re right, there was no one else on that boat. I’m surprised they left port with so few passengers.

      It’s time for Caroline to give up defending this family. You’ve done a good job with yours, it’s time to distance yourself from these troglodytes and leave this world with some dignity.

  19. Grossest people ever!! I also think that Jacqueline has a drinking problem, in almost every scene she is either drinking or drunk. And, yes I agree that is where Ashley gets it from.

  20. This is hysterical… I couldn’t stop laughing at the one of Caroline and the girls.. I swear the only reason I watch the show is so I will understand your photocaps.. 😀

  21. Every word a melody 🙂 My kid has been traveling abroad since she is 6. QE2/QM2/Concord now headed 2 law school! 2 words for Tre ACTIVITY BAG! i had a dead husband & a toddler no nanny no housekeeper & my kid saw the world because I civilized her. Caroline boot camp for all the girls! Has nothing 2 do with who loves their kid more.

  22. Why on earth would they spend all this money on a vacation but not spring for a babysitter, nanny or au pair? I loved T running around looking for Chanel… she could have stayed home and gone to the one in the mall.

    1. If by “they” you mean “Bravo,” then clearly it’s just for moments like Caroline watching the kids. There’s no way the families paid for any of this trip.

  23. geez, lighten up Francis. Jacqueline is finally showing some type of personality this season unlike last season when she was a complete dullsville.

  24. These are the kind of people that give Americans a bad reputation abroad. So embarrassing.

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