The Real Housewives of New Jersey got a little extra money in its budget this season, which meant the ladies — or at least three of them — were allowed to zip off to Italy (or East New Jersey) for a lavish family vacay that admittedly looked quite fun. The genesis of the idea came in the wake of a scary car accident Joe Giudice wound up in after he flipped his car in a TOTALLY SOBER way. Sure, there may have been booze in his system, but as he clearly explained to his wife and the Lauritas, he was so shaken up by the incident that he just had to down FOUR SHOTS OF SCOTCH. Luckily, those shots were conveniently available to him at his dad’s house, in front of which he had his big crash. So to repeat, Joe was driving soberly and coincidentally totaled his car in front of his dad’s house, at which point he went and took some shots. He did not, I repeat, did NOT get drunk at his dad’s house and then crash as he drove away. That absolutely did not happen.
If this highly suspect story is already making you snicker and roll your eyes, fear not. It gets better. Joe then explained the cause of his wreck. Turns out he was tired; so he yawned. And when he yawned, he closed his eyes for a second. One second! (read: he passed out) And during that time, he just happened to accelerate the car, which makes sense because every time I yawn, I am often compelled to depress my foot authoritatively. Clearly, this was all one big happy misunderstanding…
Of course, the upside is that no one got hurt — even Danielle had to concede that point when she discussed the accident with her favorite gal-pal Danny. She of course pounced on the news with childlike glee, happily suggesting that perhaps Joe had been up late drinking at a strip club. It was an assertion based on no evidence whatsoever, but who cares? It’s thoroughly entertaining watching Danielle attempt to trump up controversy. Meanwhile, I like how she tries to blight Joe with allegations of gentlemen’s clubs while simultaneously overlooking her own checkered past as a stripper. Of course, back when she wrapped her vag all over a pole, it was much more “burlesque”; so who am I to judge?
With all the stress of this car wreck in their lives, Teresa felt she needed to get away. And so was born the idea of an Italian vacation. The wives all raced off to their spouses to pitch the idea to them, with Caroline having the most difficult job of it. Albert wisely predicted that there’d be a million kids running around and said he’d only go with Caroline if it were just a couples thing. Sure, said Caroline. It would be couples only.
Cut to the Giudices as Teresa informed all her girls that the family was going to Italy. This was going to be a disaster. Poor Albert was going to be living a nightmare, thanks mostly to Teresa’s wild bunch of spoiled girls, who bawled no less than three times a minute for the duration of the episode.
Yes, we’ve known for a while that the three-headed monster of Gia, Gabriella, and Milania are trouble, but never had we truly experienced it like this we did last night. To be fair, Gia doesn’t seem to throw tantrums. But Milania. Oh Milania. She is a disaster. She’s always been a disaster, but wow, an entire hour with her was more than I could take. That being said, the girl was so horrifying that I actually found myself laughing countless times at her bawling and screaming and whining. I mean, I’m sure half the passengers on their cruise ship secretly wished they’d hit an iceberg, just to put themselves out of their misery.
The coup de grace, of course, was that when the entire group (minus Jacqueline and her son, who were suffering from the dizzies) gathered for Milania’s fourth birthday dinner, the girl passed out before her cake could arrive and then bawled and screamed when Teresa tried to rouse her for the big moment. No shock there though. This was hardly what you’d call a kid-friendly event. The group was in the “fancy” dining room probably way past her bedtime. It seemed like this was a party for Teresa, not her daughter.
Of course, Teresa and Joe never disciplined their kids — not that they ever have before. When Milania stood up in a gondola in Venice, I was shocked that the only reprimand she received was a casual “sit down.” Pretty much the only time Teresa raised her voice at her daughters was before the group even left for the airport when she thought her daughters had knocked over a stupid, giant vase. Turns out, however, that it was Jacqueline’s possibly-soused mother who had stumbled into the thing by accident. Yeah, she totally Joe’d it. Either way, I commend her efforts to banish at least one tacky item from that God-awful household.
Just about the only person to properly discipline the girls was Caroline, who hilariously ruled the roost with an iron fist when she got stuck on babysitting duty. Watching her call the shots with the girls was borderline exhilarating. It’s so rare to see on TV, let alone life in general, parents who know how to discipline kids. It’s no wonder the Manzos have yielded such a good brood of young adults. I truly felt bad for Caroline being stuck with the bambinos, but part of me thinks she secretly enjoyed it. And even if she didn’t, I certainly did. Crabby Caroline has been possibly the most wonderful revelation since we learned that Danielle considers hair pulling a lethal attack.
As for Jacqueline, she spent the hour acting like a dumb teenage girl who thinks she’s the shit. Whether she was being coy with a chef’s hat or rubbing her ass on an elevator wall or screwing around on a piano, Jacqueline proved that she’s got a whole lot of Ashley in her — or rather, Ashley’s got a whole lot of Jacqueline in her. Not a good thing.
Anyway, here’s the photocap:
“So I was driving, you know? And I was tired; so I yawn, and like a mook I shut my eyes. Just for a second. Maybe it was the alcohol. I dunno.”
“Anyways, so I says to myself, ‘Wake up!’ but instead I hit the gas. You know, because when you yawn, you accelerate. Scientific fact.”
“I promise you, Albert, there will be no little bambinos running around.”
“It’s just the couples??”
“Just the couples.”
“We won’t get stuck having to babysit any kids?”
“We won’t have to put them on a giant pillow and twirl them around?”
“Not at all.”
“Okay, fine. I’m in.”
“Great. Oh, one more thing: there will be kids, and we’ll have to babysit all of them, and it will be awful. Love you!”
“Did you hear that Joe Giudice was driving drunk? What was he doing drinking that late anyway? You know, strip clubs are open that late. Just sayin’. That’s also the time that serial killers strike. Justin sayin’. And I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure vampires and terrorists like to go out late at night. Just sayin’.”
“You know, I’m starting to think I should call the cops on that Joseph Giudice. I think it’s very apparent that he was trying to drive his car into my house. Granted, he was nowhere near my house, but I know a SADISTIC car wreck when I see one. He was too drunk to get the address right. Good thing. If he had, next thing you know, I’m pinned under a tire, I don’t wake up, and then my daughters don’t have a motha. THEN ARE THEY HAPPY? THEN ARE THEY HAPPY???”
“I don’t mind missing Italy. I have a big modeling gig anyway. You’re looking at the new face of Bob’s Scrap Metal Depot.”
“Let me tell you a something about my family. We’re as thick as thieves, and we stick together until the end. Although… I wish we wouldn’t because these kids are driving me nuts.”
“Tre, I’m feelin’ sick. I’m gonna barf, Tre. I feel like I’m Not Drunk and driving again.”
“Joe, you’re funny. Let’s have sex on the gondola.”
“Tre, not in front of the girls.”
“JOOOE, SLAP ME!”
“Tre, I’m gonna barf.”
“JOOOOOEEEE, BARF ON ME!!”
“Tre, hows about I take yous to Chanels instead?”
“Where’s Tre? Did she go to Chanels again? Tre?”
“SHUT UP YOU LITTLE MOTHERFUCKERS!”
Jacqueline: “You know, my daughter is just so out of control. Sometimes I think she’s a real idiot. I wonder where she gets it. OOOH! Let’s go rub our asses on the elevator shaft!”
“Tre, I told yous. I don’t wanna fuck no more. I already banged you three times last night, and once in the ass. Oh, Gabriella. It’s you. Never mind.”
“I don’t see nothin’ wrong with taking four shots of Scotch after getting into a wreck. It’s like that time I came upon that dead body that had been freshly stabbed. I was so scared I went and dunked my hands in all sorts of blood. And the would you believe they thought I murdered him myself? Sheesh.”
“Hey Joe. JOE. Remembah last night when you licked my coochie? JOE! Tell ma about my coochie. MA, Joe’s gonna tell you about my coochie.”
What did you think about the episode? Did you find it as surprisingly hilarious as I did?