BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: The Crying Game

With Kathy gone from the Big Brother house, the game has all but eradicated its “floater” players, which means that the war is on! Well, as “on” as this season can be. Yes, we have the Brigade vs. Team Ragan, and so far, tensions are… slightly elevated. For the first time all season, we’re seeing some true intrigue as the likes of Enzo, Hayden, and Lane try to cut Matt from their ranks, but of course this was all handled calmly and without much drama. The guys quietly murmured about Matt’s murky loyalties, and eventually made their case to Britney for putting him up as a pawn against Brendon. As for Matt, he did his usual thing: he smiled and giggled his way through various lies, ultimately throwing Enzo under the bus to Britney. I gotta admit that for the first time all season, I’m actually rooting for The Brigade.

What’s this? I’m rooting for someone? And most importantly, I’m rooting against someone else? Oh, glorious Big Brother! We finally have some signs of life!

Ultimately, Britney put Brendon and Enzo up on the block, which was fairly predictable. There was no way she was going to put Ragan up on the block, even though he’s turning into a royal bitch. The guy bashed Brendon for not “moving on” vis a vis Rachel but then simultaneously went out of his way to viciously deride Rachel’s chin acne. It was pretty brutal, nasty, and unnecessary, and even though Brendon is ridiculous with maintaining this whole “knight” thing, Ragan now forfeits the right to act all high and mighty. Plus, he cries too much.

Worse than Ragan though is Matt. The guy has gone from light pest to full-on awful presence. He’s cocky, annoying, and all too exposed. Literally. We see way too much of him with his shirt off. To be fair, it’s not his ever-present torso that bothers me, but rather the notion that he seems to think he’s hot stuff. And spare us the visuals of him sticking his hand down his pants, Al Bundy style. It all seems like a contrived “Bro” image he’s trying to perpetuate, but no matter how many tattoos he has or pubes he’s got stuck between his fingernails, we know he’s still a dweeb.

Nevertheless, aside from Matt annoying me, not much happened in last night’s episode. There was a fun “Have or Have Not” competition, which had the guys doing shots of nasty stuff and bluffing their reactions. It was a neat twist on the annual gross-out challenge, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. In fact, I’ve enjoyed many of the competitions this season. Big ups to whoever’s been coming up with them.

And now the photocap:

“Not only did Matt call me a dummy, but he didn’t even HUG me afterwards! I think we know who the real dummy is now. (It’s Matt because he missed out on a really good hug from me).”

Enzo: “If I had a hair for every time you did something that I didn’t trust, I’d be a very happy man.”

“Don’t worry, bro. I’m back! Now who’s ready for me to unzip my hoodie and show you my nips!”

“Hey look. I’m swaying to the left!”

“Now to the right!”

“Left!”

“Right!”

“Left!”

“Right! Annoyed yet? How about I unzip this hoodie further. And now to the left!”

“I can’t believe Matt is still here! I thought my closest ally was gone! I mean, not that we’re in an alliance. We’re not a duo, and I RESENT THAT YOU WOULD EVEN THINK THAT!!”

“Oh my God. I would rather put on a a suit made of chicken meat and swim through a lake full of hungry crocodiles than sit on this hammock any longer.”

“Oh my God. I would rather take this crown and jam it inside my ear until it pierced my brain than sit here for another photo.”

“The Meow Meow is gonna get swole with this bar. I’m juicin’ yo!”
Lane: “Just ’cause you’re going bald doesn’t mean we think you’re on steroids.”

“Oh yeah. Ohhhh yeah. OHHHHHH YEAH. Oh, sorry. I was just having a fantasy where I have sex with a turtle.”

“If we do not get a private viewing of Eat, Pray, Love, I am quitting this game. QUITTING!”

“I swear, I could bench press a buffalo right now. And then shoot it!”

“I hope no one minds that I haven’t washed my hands since my ‘shower’ this morning, if you know what I’m saying.”

“Because I jerked off in the shower, and it got on my hands.”

“And now my hands are all over this bar.”

“So what I’m saying is that my man juice is all over the weight equipment.”

“It’s like I jerked off all over the bench press.”
Enzo: “Lane, we can hear you.”
“Oh. My bad.”

“Here’s what I can offer you Britney. If you keep me off the block and uphold your end of the deal, I’ll offer you one free hug a day for the rest of the summer. That’s one offer I wouldn’t turn down. How about I give you a sample right now. Hug?”

“A hug from you, Brendon, has about as much appeal to me as being tied down with Rachel’s extensions to a railroad track and being run over by a bullet train.”

“I reckon we’re gonna be drinking. Book me a barstool at the Huggy Town Saloon!”

“You know what’s wanted: dead or alive? A hug.”

“The Meow Meow don’t like no Old West. Give me a soft pillow or a window sill. Now we’re talking.”

“This reminds me of when I used to dress up and play cowboys and Indians with my sister. I used to always capture her and pull her hair until she cried. Then we’d DO IT in mom and dad’s bed. That was the best.”

“What are your thoughts about going up as the pawn?”
“Could I leave my hoodie unzipped?”
“Oh my God. I would rather have my face surgically sewn onto Brendon’s nipple than look at your spindly body for an extra second of my life.”

Matt: “My body’s not spindly.”
“Seriously? Gumby has more body definition than you.”

“ZING!!!”

“Oh my God. I would rather stick this key into my abdomen and bleed to death on this shag carpet than have to put together these nominations.”

“Oh my God, I would rather climb into a barrel and float over Niagara Falls and crash onto some boulders and break my head in half and DIE than hold this nomination box any longer. UGH.”

What did you think about the episode?