BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Powerless Behind Bars

Fun times on last night’s Big Brother. The episode had a lovely mix of real strategizing and goofy antics, thanks in part to the veto challenge, which appealed to various players’ greedy impulses. The conceit was one we’d seen before: house guests could either vie for the Veto or minimize their chances by opting for prizes. It’s become a classic Big Brother dilemma, one that I believe was first used during the All-Star season. Back then, Danielle was annoyed because her alleged allies grabbed all the goodies instead of focusing on stealing the Veto away from whoever it was she was targeting. Since then, the pattern has more or less remained the same as evidenced by Britney’s failed attempt to keep her nominations the same. Rather than stymie Brendon’s ability to gain points that would earn him safety, Brit’s alleged allies of Lane and Hayden spent their time culling trips to Hawaii and phone calls home. Why? Because they didn’t care if Brendon got the Veto. In fact, they wanted him to come off the block. That’s right, the Brigade had bigger (metaphorically) fish to fry: Matt.

The Brigade has since grown tired of Matt’s antics, and feeling threatened by perceived duplicity, they wanted him out of the house. This did not bode well with Britney, who simply wanted Brendon out of the game. It was sort of a dumb fixation on her part because clearly Brendon had spared her the week prior; so her whole paranoia about him was perhaps a bit unfounded. Nevertheless, she wanted him out, but little did she realize that the rest of the house was calling the shots. As a result, B-Dawg got off the block (after incurring various punishments such as getting his head shaved — damn, I wish that would have been Hayden — and surrendering himself to a chum bath every hour for twenty-four hours).

Britney was absolutely livid that the guys hadn’t backed up her nominations, and quite honestly, she should have taken that as a major warning sign. However, Lane — who has quietly become my favorite — convinced his girl that the only alliance he was in was with her. Ultimately, she put Matt up for eviction, much to the pleasure of everyone in the house… even Ragan. Yes, Ragan was more than happy with this turn of events because as Matt learned he might be a target, he happily threw his best friend in the compound under the proverbial bus. This lack of loyalty rubbed everyone the wrong way and all but cemented Britney’s choice to backdoor him. Yes, it looks like the little troll / self-anointed genius may be out of the house earlier than he anticipated.

The real question, however, is if this was a smart move on Britney’s end. Sure, as a viewer, I’m delighted with the turn of events as I’ve grown to loathe Matt recently. However, without Matt around, Britney and Ragan must do some extraordinary work to break up the Brigade… which they still don’t even realize exists. Even worse for her, Brendon is now a semi member of the crew, further ruining Britney’s odds for survival. The smartest move for her may have been to stick Hayden on the block — after all, it was clear that he didn’t have her best interest at hand.

Then again, maybe it wasn’t clear. Hayden has proven to be a surprisingly sneaky and perceptive player, and when people began pointing fingers for claiming prizes instead of ousting Brendon, he happily pinned all the blame on Matt. So who knows… maybe Britney wasn’t as aware of the treachery in her ranks as we might think.

Nevertheless, it was great to see real strategizing on the show — and the random comic mischief was amusing too. Big Brother resurrected Pandora’s Box for a third, fairly useless time, but it was worth it to spice things up. This time around, Britney opened the box thinking she’d be getting tips and advice from a former player. Well, she got a former player… but it was Jessie. And his advice pertained solely to fitness and exercise. Meanwhile, the rest of the house received a nifty Hawaiian barbecue. It was a totally frivolous segment, but enjoyable nonetheless, if only to see Britney’s frustration. And for the record, Jessie may be a douche, but I’d certainly be happy to get fitness tips from him. I need all the help I can get these days.

Also, bonus points go out to the producers for somehow getting Enzo into a penguin suit for a week. That is a gift that keeps giving.

“I’m nominated? I mean, c’mon bro. I mean… c’mon bro.”

“I like this mask. It’s kind of like a little piece of cloth is giving me a hug. I love cloth hugs.”

“Oh my gosh. Why are we talking about backdooring already? I would rather dip this letter in poison and then STUFF IT DOWN MY THROAT than talk about this subject any longer.”

“Houseguests, welcome to the Big Brother zoo, home to gorillas, elephants, and the biggest beast of all: RACHEL.”

“ZING!!!”

“I feel like I’ve been wrongfully imprisoned. Do you think if I sneak between these bars, it would count as a bar hug?”

“It’s like I’m in one of those cat carrier things. The Meow Meow don’t like that. He don’t want to go to the vet.”

“I would rather have a pack of ten rabid cheetahs pull me apart piece by piece than sit here in this zoo any longer. Oh my God. Get me out.”

“Don’t mind me. I’m just practicing my most intense hug EVER.”

“I’m doing this for you, Rachel!”
Rachel: “Ain’t no hair getting between me and MY MAN!”

“Damn, Brendon is crazy. I would never cut my hair. How else would I attract gnats?”

“Sergeant Hugs-A-Lot, reporting for duty!”

“Why were y’all taking the prizes? Doesn’t anyone want Brendon out of this house too? Oh my God. I would rather have Matt stick his hand down his pants for twenty straight minutes and then smother it all over my face than have Brendon in here another week.”

“Y’all don’t realize that I can’t stand Brendon. When I see him, I want to just shatter the nearest window and use the shards to GOUGE MY EYES OUT so I’ll never have to see him AGAIN.”

“Yo, I don’t like being no penguin. Next thing you know, Mario and Luigi and Bowser are all gonna be driving around me in their go-karts, running into me half the time. I got enough problems as it is. You think I need Princess Peach crashing into me too?”

“The Meow Meow gotta wear a penguin suit now. I hate this. Plus, everyone keeps asking me for frozen yogurt now. I don’t get it, bro. I don’t get it.”

Suddenly, without warning, Big Brother offers us a stunning preview of Brendon and Rachel’s first childbirth.

Brendon: “I figure that if I handcuff Britney, sooner or later she’ll have to hug me.”
“Kill me now. Honestly, I’d rather strangle myself in this handcuffs than hug this dumb Neanderthal even once.”
“NeanderTAL.”
“That’s it. I’m killing myself. Goodbye sweet world. I am holding my breath until I pass out.”
“YES! Then I can hug her when she’s unconscious!”

“Oh my God. It’s an empty box. I would rather build a giant robot of empty boxes, have it come to life, and then murder me in its conquest to take over the world than have to sit and stare at this box any longer.”

“SURPRISE!! It’s a douche in the box!”

“Wow, look at all the glitter on me. That must really make you respect me toe to head.”

“And here’s another thing, RACHEL. Your face is FAT!”
Lane: “Dude, she’s not in the house anymore.”
“I’m sorry. There’s just so much I want to communicate. It’s almost as if communicating is my passion — like I have an advanced degree in it, WHICH I DON’T.”

“Hey Ragan, how about you stop lying down everywhere you go. If I have to see you reclining on a couch one more time, I will literally stuff the cushions full of daggers and THROW MYSELF on it.”

“It is my right to be perpetually lying down. I earned that. Because I am a good person who doesn’t have PIMPLES ON HIS CHIN!!!”

“Zing? Sort of. I don’t know.”

Enzo: “I came to say goodbye.”
“Goodbye?”
“Yeah. I gotta march to the South Pole while the weather’s still good, yo.”

“The Meow Meow is going to state his case for you, and he’s going to be very clear about it, okay? I should stay because… I mean, c’mon, bro… I mean… C’MON, BRO… This here is… you know… c’mon bro.”

“Dramatic flamingo!! DUNH DUNH DUNH!!!“

“Nothing? Really? You gotta admit I’m more dramatic than a CHIPMUNK.”

“What if I sweeten the deal with MUUURDER!!!”

“Still nothing? Eh.”

What did you think about the episode? Did Britney make the right choice?