BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Outrageous Fortunes

Matt is supposed to be the diabolical genius on Big Brother 12, but so far, we’ve yet to see an inkling of smarts. All he’s done is nominate two “floaters,” which is perfectly fine, but let’s be real here. You can’t talk about how much of a mastermind you are if you’re gonna make such a conservative move. Then again, maybe it will all work out in his favor. After all, Matt’s pretty much skating through this week without making too many enemies — an impressive feat for an HOH. For all we know, he doesn’t really care who the hell goes home. Or at least, that’s what he seemed to be thinking at the start of the episode before his fellow Brigade members began hounding him for his bizarre nominations. Suddenly, Matt began clucking that it was an elaborate backdoor plan to get rid of Rachel or Brendon, and when the likes of Hayden and Enzo and Lane expressed concern over this shaky strategy, Matt insisted that everything always worked out for them.

That is, until it didn’t.

As luck would have it, both Brendon and Rachel got picked to play in the Veto competition, a twist of fate that immediately sent the Brigade sulking off in the corner. Matt, who had previously been cocksure, had now changed his tune, bemoaning the fact that their alliance just couldn’t catch a break. Couldn’t catch a break? Last time I checked, you guys WERE IN POWER. Alas, Matt seemed to have overlooked this essential morsel of information and continued to act as if the fates had aligned against him. Perhaps this was another smart move on his part: a clever way of ascribing his own dumb moves not to his lack of brainpower but instead to… God? Nevertheless, the Brigade members were annoyed with Matt, but so far they still seemed okay with him.

Of course, things went from bad to worse for The Brigade when Brendon won the Veto, spelling certain death for Andrew or Kathy. There was no way Brendon was going to use the veto and risk Rachel going on the block, and so then the game shifted into survival mode. Andrew opted for a strategy wherein he would feign annoyance with Brendon and Rachel (or Brenchel, as they apparently call themselves). The idea was that if people thought he’d be going after the kissy duo, then they might keep him around. The only problem was that Andrew tried to sell his point a bit too hard. He made an emphatic speech during the Veto ceremony saying how badly he wanted Brendon out of the house, and then curiously enough, he then asked for the Veto to be used on him. It didn’t quite make sense, but the puzzled reaction of the household was priceless. Some people, like a curiously muted Britney, were totally perplexed. Others, like Matt, saw right through the plan.

I’m hoping that Andrew survives the eviction. He’s turned out to be totally winsome, and his persnickety edge — particularly when it comes to uninvited peaches in his iced tea — is sort of awesome. Kathy, meanwhile, has proven to be a total casting dud. She’s not a bitch. She’s not funny. She doesn’t cry all the time. And she doesn’t strategize. Why bother?

Truthfully, we need someone to start some fights. There’s not enough drama going on. On the plus side though, Lane seems to be coming out of his shell, proving to be a funny redneck rascal. Methinks there’ll be more fun stuff from him in the future. I sure hope so because my enjoyment of Matt is starting to wane. I’m growing particularly annoyed with his habit of swaying like a windshield wiper in the Diary Room. Left to right. Right to left. JUST SIT STILL.

For now though, here are pics:

“You know, one of these days I’m gonna put some peaches in Rachel’s tea and see how she likes THAT. And by ‘peaches,’ I clearly mean my testicles.”

Matt: “Don’t worry. Evvvvvverything always goes my way.”

“Why doesn’t anything ever go my way???”

Hayden: “Damn, you are the hottest sister I have ever made out with.”

Hayden: “I like the way you taste.”
“I just ate a bag of Cheetohs.”
“Yum.”
“Remember how Mom used to never let us eat those?”
“She was always like ‘Stop eating Cheetohs!'”
“‘Cheetohs are bad for you!'”
“‘Put down that bag!'”
“‘And stop having sex with your brother!'”
“LOLOLOL.”

“GAAAAH!!! Why can’t we ever catch a break!!! I mean, YEAH, I’m HOH, and yeah, that could be considered a “break” but that’s just semantics.”

“Alls I know is that if Andrew goes home, who’s gonna clean my underwears? Meow Meow.”

“I’m so pissed I could shoot a turtle. And then eat Pop Rocks. And then eat the turtle. And then more Pop Rocks. And then I’d shoot my empty box of Pop Rocks. And then look for another turtle. And then shoot it.”

“Meow meow!! Kitty Cat is ready to play with all yous!!”

“Hey y’all, did I ever tell you about the time I ran over a snake and then it was still alive; so it coiled around my leg but then I killed it anyway and took the body to a dead snake dealer, and he told me he’d pay me $20 for the dead snake, but I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck so I said ‘No siree,’ and I took my business elsewhere. That was crazy. I’m sorry, what was the question?”

Enzo: “Okay Brendon. You’ve chosen to fold.”
“Fold? Oh. I thought it said ‘Hold.’ As in, someone was going to hold me.”

“Oh, Brendon! DO ME LIKE A BEDOUIN CHEMIST!”

“Dear God, give me the strength not to mash every peach and shove them in Rachel’s big fat face.”

“Holy smokes. He’s like a ninja. Because, you know, ninjas wear white and green and stand in the open. Meow meow.”

“Shewt! Was that a turtle back there? Oh no. Just a pillow.”

“It just sucks. I can’t catch a break. First I win HOH, then my brain stops working, and then Brendon wins POV. Oh, and my wife has cancer now. So there’s that.”

“Brendon and Rachel, I’m coming after you. I want you out of this house. I will not rest until your games are over. So on that note, please save me???”

“Hmmm… is there a hug in it for me?”

“No.”

“That makes me sad. Anyone else want to give me a hug? Anyone?”

“What the heck is going on here? This makes no sense. I can’t even think of one bitchy comment to make!”

What did you think about the episode?