BIG BROTHER 12: Time For Superficial Judgments Of The New Cast, Based On Very Little Information!

It’s that time of year again! Big Brother is just a scant 48 hours away, which means it’s time to partake in that hallowed pre-season tradition: passing callous judgments on the cast based on very little information! I simply love doing this, mostly because I’m almost always proven wrong. But that’s the fun of Big Brother, isn’t it? Over the course of the next two months, we’ll learn more and more about these people, discovering their true colors and revising our opinions of them on a near-daily basis. It’s glorious.

For this cast, I used the biographical information on CBS.com, which included a few survey questions for the house guests as well as some Q&A videos, which I briefly skimmed through. I have no idea how on the money my analysis is, but I can assure you of one thing: I feel pretty good about it (even if I do veer into some lightly offensive territory).

Judgments after the jump…

ANDREW GORDON

Single, Jewish, podiatrist, ESPN-loving — these are some of the terms Andrew uses to describe himself. I’d like to add one more: annoying. Well, he could be a sweetheart. But I sense he could be super annoying too. Why? Well, let me partake in some obnoxious generalizations about my people, if I may. I’m Jewish. I know members of my tribe well, and I can assure you that the nebbishy, sports-lovin’ Jewish guy is always THE WORST. It’s not because he’s Jewish. It’s because for some reason, when my peeps love sports, they love it to the most obsessive, in-your-face extremes. We’re talking stat-spewing, frenetic, hyper maniacal sport devotion (start the hate mail now). I wouldn’t be surprised if subscribers to the live feeds get stuck listening to Andrew pontificate on end about the smallest minutia of the Florida Marlins’ outfielders’ kleets. Of course, being an obsessive Big Brother fan calling out someone else for being an obsessive sports fan is a bit hypocritical of me; so… YEAH.

On the other hand, Andrew could be just lovely! But his decision as an orthodox Jew to enter the Big Brother house seems a touch… meshuggener

Douche potential: 4 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 7 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Starting every sentence with “As the resident podiatrist here” until people want to kill themselves.

ANNIE WHITTINGTON

Poor, sweet Annie. Her profile on CBS is tragic in so many ways, mostly in its vapidity. When asked what her favorite activities are, she lists things that are “fun,” (just in case we were concerned that her favorite activities might be things that are NOT fun). Annie describes herself as “over dramatic,” and yet she says she doesn’t want to be around people who are angry and “overreact.” Of course, she then goes on to reveal her favorite player of all time to be Evil Dick because “he was evil and hilarious.” I suppose consistency is not what we should be looking for when examining our token bartender of the cast. Nor are life ambitions. Annie proudly tells us that “My brother is a lawyer, my sister is a CPA and I will be the winner of Big Brother!” Clearly Annie has taken the path with the greatest career longevity…

On the plus side, Annie does have a sense of humor. When asked what her favorite quote is, she references Forgetting Sarah Marshall and says “When life gives you lemons… say fuck the lemons and bail.” Not sure if that mantra will work in the Big Brother household, but I appreciate the sentiment. Oh, and Annie’s bisexual; so we’ll see how that works out for her.

Bitch potential: 5 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 3 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Staring at pillows, ambling about, being mesmerized by floating dust particles.

BRENDON VILLEGAS

Looking like he’ll be the resident hunk of Big Brother 12, Brendon could very well be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. His occupation is benign (swim coach), and his description of himself affable enough (“I’m always up for fun”), but a closer look at his profile reveals a shrewd and perhaps evil side to him. His strategy for winning the game? “Get girls to like me and turn them against each other.” That’s the sort of Machiavellian plan that I can get behind! Oh, and don’t let the good looks fool you. Brendon is a PhD candidate in Biometric Physics. Of course, that doesn’t really mean anything, and I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy had an ego that might do him in in the end… assuming he’s not the saboteur. But that would be too obvious, wouldn’t it?

Douche potential: 5 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 6 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Playing mind games incessantly with his fellow house guests

BRITNEY HAYNES

Britney looks like a cutey-patootie, but she’s very clear about one thing: she’s kind of an ass. And I think that’s a good thing. In her CBS profile, she openly admits that she doesn’t want to live around old people and that one of her favorite activities is arguing. She also uses the words “argumentative” and “opinionated” to describe herself, which means she’s full of drama… or at least wants us to think so. In my experience, the people who are full of drama like to declare how much they HATE drama, and the people who are truly softies like to declare how much they LOVE arguing. Britney might fall into the latter category. Then again, she does claim to be a mix of Chelsea Handler and Martha Stewart. So… she’s a bitch.

Bitch potential: 8 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 8 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Doing something psycho like taking a lady dump on someone’s duvet (all the while claiming to be too much of a Southern belle to do such horrific things)

ENZO PALUMBO

Winning me over simply by having the most fun name of the bunch, Enzo fills the “colorful” spot that nearly every cast has. You know what I’m talking about: Renny, Evil Dick, Crazy James, Lydia, Michelle (season 10). Sometimes an oddball, sometimes an oddity – the “colorful” cast member usually has a funny accent or tattoos or something visually peculiar going on. We tend to either love or hate these people, and I’m still a bit perplexed as to why we haven’t had an entire cast full of them (spare us the bartenders and “models”). Nevertheless, it’s perhaps a bit cruel to suggest that Enzo is a weirdo, simply because he has a Jersey accent. Still, he most certainly is not a generic pretty boy. He’s Italian through and through, perhaps the future vision of what The Situation will grow up to be. Ultimately, I’m having a hard time deciding how the chips will fall for Enzo. We’ll either love his salt-of-the-earth personality or find him the biggest douche of all. Hmmmm…

Douche potential: 9 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 3 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Shaping people’s personal artifacts into a map of Italy; fist pumping; beating the beat; gym, tan, laundry; screaming at Angelina. Wait, I think I’ve veered off course here.

HAYDEN MOSS

Hayden Moss is so all-American, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d been shit out of a bald eagle. The kid just oozes U.S.A., but with a little surfer / Abercrombie flair added for good measure. He seems pleasant enough, but under that goofy smile and shaggy hair is probably a giant asshole — the kind that has coasted through life on looks alone. Also, viewing some of his biographical videos, the guy doesn’t come off as particularly… what’s the word?…. smart. Chances are he’ll probably clash with one of the alpha-females in the house (who may or may not have an unrequited crush on him) and say something obnoxious to her along the way. I wouldn’t be surprised if he winds up in the center of some petty drama the first few weeks.

Douche potential: 7 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 4 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Saying “Huh?” a lot. A lot.

KATHY HILLIS

Serving as the cast’s resident senior citizen, Kathy Hillis clocks in at the ripe old age of 40. Ancient. Kathy is also the über-mommy / outdoors enthusiast who lists one of her interests as “mudding” (which may or may not be some perverse sexual act exclusive to Texarkana). Oh, and Kathy also had cancer; so she has that card to play. Truth be told, everything about Kathy should be awful, but strangely enough, I kind of love her. Plus, she’s playing this whole sweet card, but I bet she’s a raging bitch (in the best possible way). Of course, it’s no huge surprise that I like Kathy. I do tend to pull for the older folk, and I’m a bit disappointed that after the awesomeness that was Renny and Jerry (even though people didn’t like him, he made for good TV), CBS has been loath to stock the Big Brother house with more elderly members. Seems like a wasted opportunity.

As for Kathy’s saboteur potential: she currently serves as a deputy sheriff, and I’m not sure that flagrant subterfuge would honor her badge. Then again, if anyone could be adept at going undercover, it’s a cop…

Bitch potential: 8 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 7 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Stabbing someone with a kitchen knife and then screaming “CANCER!” when the fingers get pointed at her.

KRISTEN BITTING

Kristen is my #1 pick for saboteur. She’s kind of bland, kind of forgettable, fairly hot, and overall generic. In other words, the perfect person to catch you by surprise. If she’s not the saboteur, then I imagine Kristen will happily fulfill the role of firebrand. After all, she dubs herself a “quiet storm,” but I wouldn’t be shocked if that quiet storm doesn’t full-on rage into a shrieking tempest. There’s something about this girl that makes me think she might be most likely to throw a glass of water at someone or toss a pillow off the edge of the second floor balcony.

Bitch potential: 9 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 9 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Lighting everyone’s toothbrushes on fire.

LANE ELENBURG

Snooze alert. Lane might look like a jock-y, jokey, fun-lovin’ fratboy, but ten seconds with his video clips reveals him to be a total bore. And just how bland is Lane? His favorite player of all time is MEMPHIS (season 10). Of course, maybe Lane’s dullness is but a clever diversion from his true identity as THE MOLE. After all, when asked if he has a strategy for Big Brother, Lane says “I do, but not revealing it.” HMMMM…

Douche potential: 3 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 8 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Instantly forcing his housemates into a perpetual trance-like slumber via his soft, slow-talking voice.

MATT HOFFMAN

Wait, never mind what I said before. This guy MATT seems most likely to be the saboteur. Watching the videos of him, he comes off as savvy, bright, and clever. Plus, he has lots of tattoos, and we can never trust THAT. Matt also lists “annoying people for my own amusement” as one of his favorite activities; so inherently he sort of is a saboteur, even if he’s not officially called upon in that capacity. Matt could certainly be very likable, but part of me thinks he’s aware of this, and therefore, that makes him unlikable. Either way, there’s definitely a very Chill Town 2.0 vibe about him, which means he’s either the second coming of Dr. Will… or Mike Boogie.

Douche potential: 8 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 9 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Existing.

MONET STUNSON

We’ll overlook for a moment the dubious compliment Monet’s parents gave her by naming her “Monet.” Instead, let’s focus on the woman herself, who seems like she may or may not have been a forgotten cast member of the ’80s sitcom Head of the Class. Monet describes herself as a “classy girl,” which is charmingly precious because a) any classy girl doesn’t go on reality TV, and b) it will only take about two days of footage to reveal some decidedly unclassy behavior on Monet’s part. Nevertheless, I appreciate her aspirations, and if it means that Monet can carry Countess LuAnn Delesseps’ torch into the Big Brother house, I’m all for that. As for whether or not she’s the mole, well, it might seem a bit cynical to say this, but I don’t think CBS will be too keen on having the one black girl be the sneaky one. But then again, EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.

Bitch potential: 4 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 2 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Prancing about the house singing “Elegance Is Learned.”

RACHEL REILLY

Looking like the divine love child of Maria Kanellis and Wynonna Judd, Rachel could be a major drama type this season. I wouldn’t be shocked if she stirred the pot once or twice just for the heck of it, and we can be fairly certain she’ll piss off the other girls within the first two minutes. She’s probably the type that’ll enter the house with a cowboy hat on and Daisy Dukes, making loud proclamations such as “WHERE’S THE CHAMPERS? LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!” Rachel’s true forte, however, will be going psycho on a guy’s ass. I can see a misplaced comb resulting in a late night temper tantrum on her part. Of course, I can also see her cuddling up with one of the dudes. She’s certainly the most likely to forge a showmance. And she’s also the most likely to go crazy when said showmance fizzles. Yay!

Bitch potential: 9 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 8 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Reminding people every hour, on the hour, that just because she’s a hot girl with big boobs doesn’t mean she’s not smart. Sadly, no one will believe her; so really, she’s just sabotaging herself.

RAGAN FOX

And here comes the gay. Arriving in the Big Brother house on a pink chariot of flames is Ragan, who happily rocks the bow-tie as perhaps an homage to Brad from The Rachel Zoe Project (Rachel: “Oh my God, Brad. You’re on TV. But you’re next to me. Why are you two places at once? Are you a ghost? Am I next to a ghost? And am I watching a show about a ghost? Is this the ghost channel? LITERALLY, you are two places in once. Where’s Tay? TAY?”). Anyway, Ragan earns stereotype points for equating himself to sucking on balls — admittedly, the gobstopper variety, not the salty genitalia kind. He claims his personality will make people pucker at first but eventually his sweetness will win them over. This could be true, especially since Ragan ultimately seems smart (and funny!). He earns bonus points for stating that “there’s nothing a well-placed fart joke can’t cure.” The real question is this: is Ragan justt a sassy ham? Or is he a cunning saboteur?

Bitch potential: 4 out of 10
Saboteur potential: 9 out of 10
Potential methods of sabotage: Reenacting the entire Liza Minelli catalogue with hand puppets made from his bow-tie.

What do you think about the cast? Who are your favorites based on nothing? And who are your least favorites? And who do you think is the SABOTEUR?