The big news on this week’s episode of The Hills is that Kristin’s newest, biggest enemy is a cougar with a California drawl and a penchant for trespassing. Allegedly. And technically the girl isn’t a cougar. She just plays one on TV. I’m talking about Allie Lutz, a blonde mason jar of a girl who made an unexpected arrival at Stephanie Pratt’s birthday (notably absent: Heidi and Spencer, who were thankfully MIA the entire episode for the third week in a row). Sporting tacky lipstick and a persnickety attitude, Allie did little to win over any new fans, and my goodness, she had an annoying voice, even for Hills standards.

Well, Kristin and Allie got into it at the bar, with Kristin accusing her rival of having broken into Brody’s house. Of course, Allie denied all charges, and I was inclined to believe her. After all, since when do cougars climb through windows? Clearly too many threats to the fake nails and Juicy Couture sweatsuits. Oh, but that’s right. Allie’s not 47. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Luckily, I wasn’t the only one picking up on her aging-pornstar appearance. The other girls at the bar agreed that Allie looked like a washed up stripper, and all kidding aside, I really did think at first she was some mid-level personality from the adult entertainment industry. However, she wasn’t. She merely dressed like one. And poor, sweet McKaela was stuck with her, not realizing she had committed a crazy party foul by bringing this daffy trollop to the party. Bitch can’t catch a break.

Ultimately, McKaela and Kristin wound up hashing things out about Allie and Brody, with the Kristin informing the ingenue that if she kept bringing A-Lutz around, there were gonna be problems. Kristin was also happy to pop McKaela’s bubble when she theorized that the only reason why Brody had ever whispered sweet nothings in her ear was because — SHOCKER — he wanted to have sex with her. Too bad he was still knocking boots with Kristin. Woops.

As for the rest of the episode, there was some forgettable patter between Audrina, Ryan, and Justin Bobby, but as you can imagine, the extreme douchiness of these scenes forced my ear canals to swell shut and block out all auditory input. Funny how that happens. Nevertheless, not an exciting subplot. Heck, not an exciting episode (minus the Allie junk, which looks like the makings of a wonderfully campy rivalry). Hence the short recap.

Photos after the jump…

“Hmmm… I’m not sure if I like this look. Could you make it, I don’t know, BITCHIER?”

“Hey, did anyone else just realize how nice life is without Heidi and Spencer?”

“Guuuurl, I’m not black, but if I were, I’d be doing my best Jackée right now.”

Brody: “I feel so ruh-laahhhhxed with my llllllaaaaaydy.”

Kristin: “Um, Allie, you’re a bitch, and you broke into Brody’s home.”
“Excuse me, but since when does scaling a fence, breaking a window, and climbing into Brody’s bedroom while he’s sleeping count as ‘breaking in?'”

Kristin: “You’re a fucking psycho bitch.”
“Well I’m SORRY if I trespassed, but I needed to find my Spanx!”

“Brody, what’s going on? Don’t you like my generally pleasant qualities?”

“Hello, I’d like to speak with a doctor. My head fell off my neck.”

“So like yeeeeeah, you can’t trust Kristin. You need good people in your life. Like me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some acid-washed jeans to put on. It’s Whitesnake night down at the Sizzler.”

“Audrina, I want you to be honest with me. On a scale of 1 to 10, how awesome is my hair?”

“Poor, dumb McKaela. She thought she could get famous by joining our cast, but the joke’s on her because we’re cancelled, BITCHES!!!!”

“You know, Justin Bobby, when I see your greasy hair, your shirt stained with gutter fluids and pavement oil, and your pants frayed from walking mindlessly in the middle of the night with only one tattered shoe, I think to myself… HOTT!”

“That guy Ryan has dumb hair. I’m gonna call him Spike. He looks like an idiot. Unlike me, who never looks dumb. Ever.”

“I farted.”

“McKaela, you can’t bring Allie Lutz around anymore. We only have room for one cougar on this show, and that’s Brody’s mom.”

What did you think about the episode?

18 replies on “HILLS PHOTOCAP: Breaking And Entering”

  1. Hey B~ I’ve known you for years & I always get your obscure references; but what the heck is a ‘mason jar of a girl’? Does that mean she’s full of preserved lemons?

  2. I really hope you are in the midst of recapping the City right now! I was CRINGING at Olivia the whole episode.

  3. Broh-day needs a hair cut — getting a little poofy…

    @ Leigh — I am also anxiously anticipating the City recap!! So awesome.

  4. I recently realized Brody’s douchiness has become “normal” for me, so I often forget what a douche he really is. However, for some reason this episode I realized 1. Why would ANYONE want to date him 2. Why would these girls fight over him when they’re both beautiful, pseudo-famous, and could definitely date up 3. Why are either of them hanging around when the Brodester won’t give either their full attention? Get it together, girls!

    Justin grosses me out.

    Ryan’s hair makes me laugh. Especially the caption under the picture of it.

    And I agree. Allie looks like Erin. Only without Olivia, she’s not as fun.

    1. I totally agree Kelly. What is it that makes Brody so great? A golden peen? Meh. He is a lousy bf because he likes pitting his conquests against each other. Perverse.


  5. It is so obv that Audrina was over Ryan as soon as Justin’s drumset began during last week’s episode. I was cringing at all of her excuses about why they aren’t working. When she went to see Justin, she told him they fight all the time. If that’s so, it would be a great subplot…but it clearly ain’t. Ryan is sooo not cute. He endures a lot of TV broadcasted relationship humiliation, doesn’t he? Remember when he dated Ashley Simpson Wentz? Wonder if Papa Joe still manages him. Probably not. Poor thing.

  6. Yeah, Brody and his DUFF Frankie need to just leave the show with all their douchiness.

    Kristin still carries this show. She needs to punch Allie in the face.

    1. Kristin oviously isn’t carrying it very well that is why it is finally cancelled. I love the Hills but it is ridiculous and pointless without LC. Kristin is just a secondary character, just like she was on Laguna Beach.

    1. Thank you! Every time I read a comment like this, I get totally psyched. Tell your friends. I have some world domination to get to!

  7. I don’t live in LA, but now I need to know – do people really still wear Juicy Couture sweatsuits?

  8. Agree with hb twisted way 2 get ur kicks! I may have thiswk/lastwk confused i thought best line since “forgiveu/forgetu was when Lo said to ceiling eyes”i always thought Justin being in a band was a joke” like when they were callinh him JB. luv Lo! Didn’t miss Speidi. Its been lovely. Grt photocap! Please continue with World Domination.

  9. Oh, and am I the only one who had no clue what was going on when JB and Audrina were talking in that garage (with the bike with no seat)? He was saying words, but they weren’t complete sentences. And she nods like he’s profound. I have a feeling Audrina is so stupid (sorry, I hate that word, but don’t know a better one) that she thinks when JB doesn’t make sense he’s really deep. No, he’s just stupid, too. (I don’t feel bad calling JB stupid, mainly because of his manipulative antics with Audrinta, et all.)

  10. When is everyone going to figure out that Audrina is Kelly Bensimon’s daughter?
    And that Brody Jenner is Gay (not that there’s anything wrong with it…).
    Sleeping around with so many women and BOASTING about it is clear indication that he needs to come out of the closet already!

  11. I love the photorecaps. LOVE them. I will start watching all the shows you cover just to see these.

    The Audrina and Ryan scene was pretty sad (especially if Ryan is that nice and not just edited that way). It was a pretty surreal back-and-forth in any case:
    A: You’re going on tour and I don’t want to hold you back from getting wasted and banging groupie sluts.
    R: You are the love of my life and now I will just relax in my bus and sip some herbal tea and talk to you after my shows. And text you. And skype you.
    A: But also we’re moving too fast.
    R: Why have excuses when we are right for each other?
    A: You’re going to end up with a girl like me, but you’re just not ready right now.
    R: That’s the McKaela/Brodie argument. Wrong part of the show.
    A: But also you don’t have enough first names in your first name.
    R: That vacant look in your stupid eyes really belies how quick-witted you are coming up with one “dumping you” line after another. Or have you heard them all before? I still love you.

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