I think we can all agree on one thing. This latest episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County was the best episode of the season. We’re talking epic, awesome, intense, shocking, GREAT. Overall, it’s been a solid season with some compelling stories, but we’ve been missing that awkward “it” factor that last year’s Gretchen-and-Lynne vs. Tamra-and-Vicki feud provided week in and week out. Finally it happened, and somehow, by the end of the show, Vicki and Donn emerged as the unlikely heroes of not just the hour, but the entire season. How did this happen? How did Vicki go from monster to… lovable monster? I’d like to think that she saw the way she acted last year and vowed to change her behavior. Little asides about wanting to be “nicer” seem to support that. I mean, she’s still crazy, but at least she’s crazy and growing.
Same can’t be said for Tamra, who continues to be a gentle mix of brash, tacky, shallow, and weak. Shame on Simon for also making us sympathetic to her. The passive-aggressive husband is such a control freak that he can’t deal with what he perceives to be an interloper to his marriage. In this case, that interloper would be Vicki, who’s not so much an intruder as she is merely a friend. Of course, having Tamra and Vicki spend some time apart isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The two bring out the worst in each other, but unlike Simon’s assessment, I don’t think it’s Vicki that’s the source of the awfulness. It’s clearly on Tamra’s shoulders. Nevertheless, watching the two take quiet swipes at each other (which is nothing new) is a bit painful, and it’s clear that this is not the product of Vicki’s meddling. It’s the result of Simon being a jerk. Of course, rather than endure a moment of introspection, Simon instead plays mind games with Tamra, making her believe it’s an us vs. them situation. Case in point: at Lynne’s disastrous dinner party, Simon threatened to march out unless Tamra took his side in an argument with Vicki. Immaturity at its height (both for his reaction and that there was a fight in the first place). After hectoring his wife until she was in tears, Tamra finally emerged pro-Simon, happily throwing her “friend” under the bus later after Vicki and Donn excused themselves from the increasingly tense dinner (an impossibly boring story by Alexis didn’t help matters either).
Speaking of Alexis, she continues to cluck away about nothing particularly interesting while her husband Jim sits back and pleasantly condescends to her, pontificating about various inconsequential things (says me, the blogger) and calling flamingos “swans.” The two continue to bother me in a deeper way than any of the couples on the show, and I suspect it’s because their lovey-dovey marriage appears to be built on an inequity that will eventually lead to much acrimony down the line. Or maybe it won’t. Either way, it’s like watching Don and Betty Draper, but without the insightful thoughtfulness (or prettiness).
As for Lynne and Gretchen, they were mostly on the sidelines this week. Gretchen continued to build her very classy makeup line, titled Gretchen Christine Beauté, which proved to be a rather unremarkable journey of entrepreneurship. There were some slightly testy moments as Vicki grilled her about how much money Slade earns and whether he even has a job (his occupation, it turns out, is to DO Gretchen), but aside from that, I couldn’t muster much interest in this thread.
Lynne meanwhile was just doing her daffy Lynne thing. She and Frank held the aforementioned housewarming party, which could have also served as a Bon Voyage soirée as they were handed an eviction notice the very next morning. We don’t know the story behind that as Bravo conveniently left us with a cliffhanger, but I’m sure all will be revealed on Thursday when it looks like yet another fight will break out, this time between Vicki and Alexis. Can’t wait…
“I can’t bear to look! I’m melting all your equipment with my HOTNESS, aren’t I? Aren’t I??”
Does that say Sondra? Who’s Sondra?”
“From now on, I’m going to add an ‘é’ to the end of every possible word. Yay!!…é.”
Alexis: “Wow, it really is true what they say. Being a mommy with two nannies for three kids really IS a full time job! Thank goodness for this vacay!”
Alexis: “Oh my God, Jim! I just noticed your shirt! Super sexy!”
“Jesus himself picked it out for me.”
Alexis: “I wore this old table cloth just for you!”
“My lovely wife, you’re more beautiful than those crazy pink swans out back.”
“Are we driving to Bass Lake?”
“Is my hair okay? I thought maybe I might have melted my motorcycle helmet into my hair, on account of me being the HOT housewife! Never wanna get a case of HOT HELMET.”
“Why did you get this? I never said you could get this. I want you to apologize to me. On Facebook.”
“Even though I never approved your trashy tattoo, I’m gonna kiss it anyway to show that I’m willing to get your bloody tat-finger juices in my mouth.”
“Cheers to a classy dinner party full of petty squabbling and cheeseburgers!”
Lynne: “See, it’s really important to work your abs whenever possible. That way you can look your best and give your daughters the greatest gift of all: body issues.”
“Lynne, do you ever imagine what it would be like if the sun had arms? And then do you think about what it would feel like if the sun draped its sun arm around your neck? I bet that’s what you’re feeling right now, but guess what? It’s not the sun in arm form. It’s me, and my HOT ARM. Fooled ya!”
Tamra: “Is everything good?”
Vicki: “I can get past it.”
Simon: “Me too. As long as she quits butting into our business.”
“Excuse me. Don’t talk to me about business. I HAVE A JOB. I KNOW WHAT BUSINESS IS!”
Vicki: “I’m not interfering with your marriage. I could care less.”
Tamra: “It’s just that–“
“I don’t care.”
“But we’re–“
“I don’t care.”
“How can you be so cold when I’m so HOT???”
Tamra: “Both of you need to just chill out, which of course can’t happen here on account of my HOTNESS being too HOT for anything to be chilled.”
“Honey, I’m not controlling. But just know that no one loves you the way I love you, and when you don’t do what I say, that shows me that you don’t love me back. Now is that fair?”
“I mean, I couldn’t be farther from controlling. You shouldn’t listen to people who say that. You should only listen to me. Because I’ll tell you the truth. No one else will. And if you don’t listen to me and the truth, you might as well just kill yourself.”
“It’s silly that you would think I’m controlling. I give you options in life. But just know that if you pick the option I don’t like, I won’t love you. And when I stop loving you, you’ll have nothing. But hey, your choice!”
“I laugh when I think of people who say I’m controlling. You who says those things? People who don’t have your best interest in mind. I, however, DO think of your best interest. And your best interest is to do what I say. But hey, if you don’t want to do that, that’s fine. Go enjoy a terrible, terrible life. It’s your choice. I’m not controlling what you do.”
Alexis: “I love my husband.”
“What about my age inappropriate hoodie shirt?”
“I love that too!”
“And what about a career?”
“I love careers!”
“No, you should hate them.”
“I hate careers!”
Alexis: “You know, that’s rude of you to pretend to fall asleep during my story about the time when I met Jim, and how I was sitting in the lobby, and there was this wonderful ceiling fan that I adored; so I went over to this girl who had this very cool pair of earrings on — not too big, but not too small either. You know what I’m talking about? Sort of diamond shaped but with round edges. What do you call that? I love them. ANYWAY…”
“I’ll tell you one thing: my ANTI-love tank certainly is full.”
“It just makes me sad, Donn… It makes me sad that I’m the only NORMAL ONE. I mean, what’s up with that???”
“Letter from Andy Cohen. He says if you keep sending him your art, he’ll make you the jackhole of the week.”
I’m sure I’ve left a huge amount of things out since it aired four and a half days ago. What did you think about the episode? What should Tamra do?
What was with all the dudes haggling Donn about not going to Florida?
This episode made me love Donn. And, by extension, Vicki. WEIRD.
the dinner party antics/behaviour/discussion was atrocious! Tamra PLEASE get a “hot” back bone and Simon: SHUT UP ALREADY. He absolutely ruined the evening with his constant whining, geez you big baby. Alexis is just a vacant, fake shell of a person that can’t think for herself, and has to stay in constant agreement with ugly Jim. Go to church some more you smug douches!
Do these people really lack this much self awareness?? I guess that answer is YES, yes they do!
I thought it was so awkward how Tamara told Simon about her stupid, failed attempt to save her marriage tattoo.
I highly doubt Don has ever called Simon and cried to him about Vickie. Seriously, why are people always calling Simon and Tamara???
You forgot to mention that Tamara was Wasted “naked wasted” right from the start of the party.
Alexis and Jim are AWFUL. I really can’t stand either of them. I have to laugh how they think marriage is for life, however they both have been divorced. HA! Typical hypocrites
Tamra was right about getting a name tattoo being the kiss of death.
I couldn’t agree with you more about the episode being the best, and sympathizing with Vicki. How did that happen?
Simon couldn’t be a bigger jerk.
This episode was just insane. I could go on all day, but let’s just talk about Jim. What a colossal douchebag and hypocrite. He spent the first few episodes gushing over how God came first, scolding his wife for showing too much ass, and getting offended when the conversation ventured from G to PG. Then, we find out how he met his wife. His two criteria in selecting a mate: must she be a Christian? a good mother? moral? full of integrity? No. Jim was looking for 1) hot and 2) classy. Clearly, the second item was negotiable. He found that combination in a pair of fake titties parading around in a bikini in a past-its-prime chain hotel. I wonder if he had to pay her to pose with with pink swans all around his $2900 hotel room.
This episode was just insane. I could go on all day, but let’s just talk about Jim. What a colossal douchebag and hypocrite. He spent the first few episodes gushing over how God came first, scolding his wife for showing too much ass, and getting offended when the conversation ventured from G to PG. Then, we find out how he met his wife. His two criteria in selecting a mate: must she be a Christian? a good mother? moral? full of integrity? No. Jim was looking for 1) hot and 2) classy. Clearly, the second item was negotiable. He found that combination in a pair of fake titties parading around in a bikini in a past-its-prime chain hotel. I wonder if he had to pay her to pose with with pink swans all around his $2900 hotel room.
This season is interesting and disturbing all at the same time. I don’t know who I like or even if I like any of them anymore. I used to like Gretchen just because she seemed carefree, however, her treatment of Lynne gets under my skin. And then there’s Slade. I cannot take him seriously. Where are his children anyway? He’s tossing out child rearing tips as though he’s father of the year yet there’s no mention of his kids this year.
And Lynne. It’s like she sat down after the show last season and discovered she didn’t parent her girls so she’s made it her goal to be the mother she never was to her girls. I admire the fact that she realizes she made mistakes, but it’s just so sad watching her try to be something she is obviously not–a mother who really mothers her children and sets rules and makes dinner, etc. Lynne’s idea of motherhood seems to be buying them whatever they want. She wants to be their friend. That’s never a good idea.
I love when there is an Alexis segment because she’s just so pretentious. Her relationship with her husband is something to behold. When she was at dinner with Jim and Jim would say or do something Alexis approved of, Alexis would clap her hands like you do when your child does something cute. I’m sort of loving her.
I think Vicki has really tried to be a good friend this season although she CANNOT resist putting down people who care for their children rather than WORK ALL THE TIME outside the home like SHE DOES. She’s the reason most stay at home moms have no self esteem. She makes it sound like if you don’t hold down an 8 to 5 you’re worthless and I hate that. On the other hand, I admire her work ethic and I admire that she works for all that she has. I think her love for her family is real and I like that, too.
I intensely dislike Tamra, although I feel a little bit sorry that she’s saddled with Simon. I think the shine of being married to Simon wore off when Simon stopped making good money which means she married him for his money, which is never a good thing. It’s been sad watching her fall apart this season, because you can see how hard it is on her that she has to short sell her home and she can’t buy whatever she wants on a whim anymore either. Some would say she’s getting what was coming to her, though, because she isn’t ra very nice person underneath and it’s all catching up to her. She’s just a real mess this season.
I agree with you, this was a great episode.
Jim is just so creepy and his monotone voice adds to the creepy factor.
I am on team Don and Vickie all the way. I can’t wait until the reunion where Tamara is going to have to apologize to Vickie.
I am like ivickie in that I am so curious about Gretchen’s financial situation. Vickie is right, they are all afraid of having a REAL job…one that you need to go to 5 days a week, 8 hours a day. Not gluing charms on a cuff bracelet or picking out names for eyeshadows at your kitchen table.
I think I watched a different show from you.
I don’t get how you are so on “Team (working) Vicki” now.
where are you?