I gotta admit that Jersey Shore has grown on me immensely. At first, I didn’t really love it. The entire show felt like a low-rate version of The Real World, what with its shoddy production values and flashy visual flourishes (ie. fake film “noise” on screen). However, Jersey Shore has come a long way, baby, and now I truly enjoy it. Perhaps that’s thanks to the cast — a group of seven mooks whose personal style and penchant for Ed Hardy at first invites mockery but ultimately belies a surprising sweetness and warmth. In many ways, Jersey Shore is the anti-Real World. Rather than seeking a heterogenous mix of clashing personalities from all walks of life, this show goes for multiples of the same type, all living in their natural habitat. It’s perhaps more real than anything on The Real World (at least for this freshman season).
But let’s not get too academic here. After all, this still is only Jersey Shore, and as fun as it is to analyze why we’re drawn to a pop culture sensation, sometimes it’s easiest to just chalk it up to good old fashioned anthropological rubbernecking. Such was the case on last night’s episode, which was so action packed, I had a hard time believing it was all contained in one hour. We had a little of everything: idiotic romantic squabbles, two brawls, a lovable Italian mom, and Snooki getting punched in the face AGAIN. Could you ask for anything more? No, I don’t think so.
I have to admit that I was quite pleased with the increased presence of Vinny on this week’s episode. The affable guy has been virtually invisible for most of the season, save for one dramatic bout with pink-eye. Last night, however, he received a healthy dose of screen time as he first feared retribution from his angry boss (after having hooked up with his lady friend) and then later tried to make some moves on The Situation’s sister. The good news was that the boss man was okay with the cockblock, thus meaning that Vinny could stop hanging his head in puppy dog fashion. The bad news was that The Situation’s sister, however, looked just like The Situation. And that indeed was a situation to behold. I kind of feel bad for the poor girl. All anyone’s been talking about for the past month is how weathered and old The Situation’s face is, and then here comes She-Situation all excited for her MTV debut, and what’s the first comment about her? Oh, you look JUST LIKE YOUR BROTHER. I mean, why not just equate her to a busted up baseball mitt at this point? Harsh, very harsh.
Well, upon seeing The She-Situation, Vinny’s boner immediately deflated, and he backed away from her as best he could… until them beer goggles kicked in. Then it was back AWN. But being that this was Vinny and not, say, Pauly D, the most action he got was a sweet peck on the cheek. If anything, Vinny got more adoration from his mother, who I think we can say IS THE BEST. Arriving as the matriarch of a giant brood of Lil Vinnies, this woman lorded over the kitchen with old world expertise, serving up a giant, mouth-watering meal for what appeared to be twenty people. I desperately wanted to be there at that moment; although, my state of ravenous hunger while watching the program may have influenced my desires. Nevertheless, watching Vinny with his family underscored the fact that he truly is the most likable of the bunch, even if he brings little by way of drama (I think he’s also the only college graduate, but I may be mistaken).
Meanwhile, in raging libido news, Pauly D and The Situation spent most of the episode trying to find some broad to pound out. First they came across three classy types, including one Brazilian, and even they had to admit that these girls required just a modicum of respect. No, they weren’t gonna smush them right off the bat. They were gonna wine and dine them like they would real girls. If only these ladies knew the special treatment ‘n’ stuff they were gettin’. Maybe then they wouldn’t have dropped Pauly D and The Situation like a bad habit. That’s right — the Brazilian up and stood Mike up for lunch the next day, perhaps due to his growing reputation as Seaside Heights’ biggest (yet most unsuccessful) manslut.
Of course, some girls love the manslut. Take, for instance, that brunette from three weeks ago who The Situation attempted to DO IT with before her awful blonde friend cockblocked her. Well, The Situation ran into her again at the club — whilst he was mid-“creep” — and the two reignited their love affair. And by “reignited,” I mean sloppily kissed each other like two manatees in heat. It seemed like finally Mike was gonna be able to poke her in the vajayay, but lo and behold, when she returned to the luxurious Shore house, this fine lady had brought two of her friends: one was the awful blonde yet again, and the other was an immense “hippo” who looked not unlike that giant fish in Super Mario Bros. that jumps out of the water and eats poor Mario at the most inopportune times. (Did I just reveal too much of my inner nerd?)
Well, The Situation was not about to deal with this situation (lowercase “s”) again. He pretty much asked Snooki to get rid of the other two girls, and being the loyal charge that she is, our favorite little pitbull went outside and simply told everyone to leave and go home. She then extended one of her paws towards Mike’s girl, saying that she could stay, but it was too late. All three women were massively offended, and leave it to the awful blonde to muck things up yet again. She immediately started up with Snookers, calling her a variety of insults ranging from “bitch” to who knows what, and Snooki, in return, made the salient argument that hey, this was her house, and she could kick out whomever she wanted. Soon items were thrown, drinks spilled, and a full-on cat fight erupted between all four girls. And let me tell you something, these bitches were ready to do some damage. Even with a small army of meatheads holding each one back, the ladies all managed to break free and lay some punches. That hippo — for lack of a better word — in particular was quite violent, and watching her charge at Snooki was not unlike reliving that iconic rolling boulder scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
In the end, the cops showed up, and proving to be the biggest cockblock of all, they arrested Mike’s girl (who incidentally seemed to be the least of the problems). So much for justice (and getting some tail). I guess all’s well that ends well… except for Snooki, who managed to get punched in the face in the exact same spot where that douche hit her just two days prior. Bitch just can’t catch a break (unless that break is in the form of a fist, in which case yes, she can).
Over in dullsville, we had to deal with the rocky romance of Ronnie and Sammi, a story line that wore out its welcome at least two episodes ago. The problem with these two is not so much that they’re boring (even though they most certainly are), but that their relationship is totally awful. I actually place most of the blame on her. Sammi, we’ve discovered, is total drama, and the fact that she calls herself “Sweetheart” is the biggest joke of all. Not only has she proven herself to be totally self-centered (the whole dishes fiasco from last week, the cop incident from the week prior), but she seems to thrive off mental games with Ronnie, a big lug of a guy whose kindness seems to leave him vulnerable to being totally whipped.
Case in point: upon leaving early from a club (again), the two lovebirds laughed and joked in the back of a van, with Sammi ultimately calling Ronnie stumpy. He retorted by calling her stumpy back, and that’s when shit went down. Sammi immediately clammed up, and in an effort to be even more jokey, Ronnie then inexplicably equated her big toe to The Flintstones. I didn’t quite get it, but apparently it was the sort of scathing Hannah-Barbera insult that Sammi simply DETESTS. The girl became so livid that she informed us she didn’t even want to talk to Ronnie ever again. I suppose it’s a good thing then that Ronnie didn’t compare her fingers to June Jetson. Then all hell would have broken loose.
I suppose it might not be advisable to ever compare your girlfriend’s physical features to those of Fred Flintsone’s, but truth was that it was a benign comment said in a jokey context, and while Sammi was entitled to some annoyance, her reaction was entirely way too overblown and ridiculous. Clearly she was out to make a scene, which means she wanted attention, which means she wanted drama, which means she’s awful. Somehow this silly impasse escalated to the point that Ronnie was positively fuming. He tried to talk to Sammi about it, but she refused multiple times, causing him to go even more bonkers. He decided he was done with this idiot (yay!) and was gonna go “creeping” along the boardwalk for new booty. I imagine all of America rejoiced at that moment, and if they didn’t, at least Vinny, Pauly, and Mikey did. “I’m back,” Ronnie said triumphantly to his bros, and after some high fives and laughter, the guys strutted on out to their favorite club, Karma.
Meanwhile, as soon as Ronnie left the house, Sammi emerged from her bedroom, suddenly ready to “talk.” But alas, no Ronnie. How convenient on her part. Just when she’s ready to play the mature card, Ronnie’s off and gone, thus allowing her to pin more blame on him for being the immature one in the situation.
Well, luckily for her, Sammi had Ronnie by the balls, and as he approached the velvet ropes of Karma, he suddenly backed away like a dog to an invisible fence. The doofus then marched right back to the house, crawled into Sammi’s bed, and groveled for forgiveness. It was, to put it lightly, pathetic. Hey, it’s not that he’s Mr. Innocent, but a little acknowledgement from her that maybe she’d overreacted would have been nice.
This, sadly, was just the primer. The real messiness occurred later in the episode when the gang was out at their local hang, The Beachcomber. As the group all hung out and had a fun time, some drunk lame dude tried to start up with them. Everyone pretty much ignored him, but later, when Ronnie and Sammi left, the guy and his girlfriend followed them out the door, hounding them with stupid comments. Now, would I try to bait someone like Ronnie into a fight? Probably not. But then again, I’m not an idiot like this guy. However, Ronnie, for all his muscles, was not about to jump into a brawl just for the sake of it. He just wanted to move on and go back to the house. Sammi had other plans. Perhaps feeling a bit too comfortable with her ‘roid-filled mook by her side, Sammie began mouthing off to the drunk jerk, which in turn made her a drunk jerk as well. Ronnie told her to shut up, but she wouldn’t stop (on account of her awfulness). Finally, Ronnie pushed her, which is not very acceptable, BUT it was a light push, not a violent one, and… well… she was being terrible. And fear not, this was a far cry from the famous Jonathan and Victoria shove on The Amazing Race.
Nevertheless, Sammi then stormed ahead, angry at Ronnie for pushing her, and in her wake a fist fight erupted between Ronnie and the jerk. Things got pretty violent (although curiously, MTV did not censor it), and eventually, with sirens blaring in the distance, Ronnie up and walked away, a giant SHINAH growing around his eye. Pauly D and The Situation materialized out of nowhere, and Ronnie informed them that this was strike three against Sammi. He was done with her. He just fought a guy and got punched in the face for her, and now he was done with it. No more. Adios.
So of course we shouldn’t have been surprised when the episode ended with Ronnie lumbering up to Sammi and apologizing to her for everything. True, he should have apologized for the shove, and true, he didn’t have to fight the guy if he didn’t want to, but let’s drop the PC crap for a moment and acknowledge that she did egg it on, and the fact that she still refuses to say sorry about anything is totally obnoxious. Boo.
Well now that I’ve spilled enough ink over these silly antics, let’s look at some photos.
The Situation: “Time for some GTL: gym, tan, laundry.”
Pauly D: “Is that what that means? I always thought it stood for Get The Llama.”
Vinny: “So, boss, I kind of slept with your girl last night.”
“That’s okay. She has herpes.”
“Hey guys. You can call me Mike.”
“I can’t wait to get into the club and do the Elliptical.”
“Yeah, you know, when I dance like I’m going super fast on an Elliptical machine? The chicks love it.”
“ME WANT FOOOOOD!!!!”
“But Officer, I swear I wasn’t doin’ nuthin’ wrong! I was just hanging out, listening to Bon Jovi, and that bitch said that Bruce was better. Like anyone is fucking better than fucking Jon Bon Jovi. Where the FUCK IS THAT BITCH I’M GONNA BEAT HER ASS!!!!!”
“Does everybody have enough food? Because we got three more trays of ziti in the car, and that’s just the first course.”
Sammi: “I can’t believe Snooki said that everyone says we’re lame.”
“Yeah, we’re not lame.”
“Man, it’s like 8:30.”
“We should go to sleep.”
“What did you say, punk? What did you say? I know you didn’t say that Mo’nique doesn’t deserve an Oscar nomination. I KNOW you didn’t say that!”
“I like Vera Farmiga!”
“I’m sorry, Sammi, I really am.”
“And then there was the time in fifth grade that Tommy Antonucci spilled water on me.”
“That was my fault too.”
“And then there was the time that I tripped over a rock and scraped my knee.”
“I wish I could take it all back, Sammi. It’s all my fault!”
What did you think about last night’s episode?