There seemed to be a major theme running throughout last night’s episode of The Hills: drinking isn’t good. This message was spelled out clearly for us in the Holly Montag storyline, but truly, if anyone needed exemplary evidence as to why alcohol might not be a great substance to abuse, one didn’t need to look further than the latest dramas with Kristin and Brody and Jayde. For as much as the producers want us to believe than Holly is a drunkard, her only offense seems to be a predilection for goofy dancing, and honestly, who hasn’t busted out The Elaine Dance whilst feeling a little tipsy here and there? No good deed goes unpunished though, and while Holly’s one woman dance party was great fun for all nearby spectators, it was no laughing matter for rehab graduate (and soon to be returning student, I’m sure) Stephanie Pratt. She immediately ran to Heidi — who famously was fired for drinking on the job, I might remind you — and the two girls browbeat a suddenly tan Holly about going to rehab to cure all that ailed her. I know we’ve only seen snippets of Holly’s life, but honestly, she does not come off as out of control (and it wouldn’t surprise me if she was merely prompted by the Powers That Be to act rowdy for the cameras).
More troublesome on the booze front is resident Playboy Bunny / busty Canadian Jayde, who for a season and a half has been caught on camera usually wasted off Jager (usually thanks to her penchant for chugging said Jager — also on camera). The problem with Jayde is not that she likes to dabble in fine spirits. The problem is that when she gets drunk, she turns into a belligerent drunk. She turns angry, she lashes out, and on occasion, she throws a cocktail or two at any nearby female who she deems as a threat. Basically, she can’t handle her booze, and yet no one seems to think she needs to go to rehab. Maybe she just doesn’t have supportive friends, which would make sense as she probably surrounds herself with a bunch of shallow bitches who merely want to travel in her Brody-tastic circles. Seems like a pretty miserable existence for those sidekicks. They basically have to sit there while the lovers quarrel. And speaking of said acrimony, while Jayde may be a sloppy lush, Brody is allegedly her boyfriend, and as such, he probably shouldn’t be such an ass to her. I know she’s insufferable, but I’m not sure it’s totally cool to curse out your lady in front of her friends, your friends, and America. As my father would say, these two have a lot of class — all of it low.

Meanwhile, in Kristin land, she and Justin Bobby continued to yo-yo back and forth to each other. At the top of the episode, Kristin announced that Justin Bobby only had one more strike left. She wasn’t even gonna wait ’til strike three to drop him. Sure enough, he hit strike two at her party when he texted her that he wasn’t coming. Oh no he di’int!!!! But wait! It was all a joke. Or was it? Either way, Justin Bobby arrived after all, thus effectively mind effing Kristin yet again. She was none too pleased by these shenanigans, and when she confronted JB about it, he responded with… more mind games! He didn’t really apologize. He just kept asking manipulative questions until finally Kristin folded and welcomed him back to her vagine. The dangers of alcohol, people! The dangers of alcohol!
As for the rest of our Hills crew, they really weren’t up to much. Audrina made a cameo appearance to babble with Lo about nothing fascinating. And Spencer showed up briefly to express concern about Holly and once again mock little Enzo, who has now made his umpteenth unwelcome appearance on the series. Seriously, the kid is annoying. FIRE HIM.
On to the photocap…

“We should totally have another party. It’s been like twelve hours since the last one.”

Jayde: “I see you’re finally appreciating the birthday party that IIIII put together for you, eh?”
Brody: “I already told you I appreciated it.”
“Was that before or after you walked oat, eh?”
“Don’t be a bitch.”

“Seriously? You brought the kid over again? What’s the FIRST thing shows do to jump the shark? THEY ADD LITTLE KIDS! Did you not see Family Ties?

“I’m concerned about Holly’s drinking. She doesn’t do it on the job, and that’s just not right.”

“Oh man, I know how to make a MEAN Jack & Coke. It’s really an art — mixing two ingredients together. You can thank me later.”

“Hello hello. The douche patrol is here!”

Kristin: “Hey, did you see what I downloaded?”
Stacie: “The Leonard Maltin Movie Guide! OMG!!!”

“Holly, you have to calm down. I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to have a reasonably fun time when drinking.”

“Sorry I’m late, everyone. There was a rad pile of salmon entrails that I just HAD to roll around in.”

Kristin: “I was really mad at you.”
Justin Bobby: “But I’m here.”
“Yes, but you were playing mind games.”
“Was I?”
“Or were the mind games playing you?”
“You’re doing it again.”
“Doing what again?”
“The games.”
“You like them?”
“So that’s a yes.”
“Stop what?”
“I think you’re doing the games.”
“You know what? We’re through.”
“Okay. Wanna have sex?”

“He’s just so RUDE when he drinks, eh? I know I’m not perfect — let’s face it, I’m a huge bitch with daddy issues — but at least I’m not rude, eh? Now tell me, who the HELL is that bitch standing near Brody?”
“It’s a producer.”
“I don’t care if it’s Pierre FUCKIN’ Trudeau. She better get oat of here! Now!”

“Hey Jayde, I don’t laaaaahke it when you talk about our relaaaaaaaytionship behind maaah back. And furthermore, I’m not rude, you FUCKING BITCH!”

“If celery could talk, do you think it would say nice things to me?”

“So ANYWAY, I just turned 43!”

Holly: “Don’t you understand? This Is It is sold out! SOLD OUT!!! How will I say goodbye to Michael????”

“I think we just have to accept that we’re both awful people. I’m a bitch who needs attention, and you’re a spoiled brat who yells at women, eh? As long as you don’t have feelings for Kirstin, I think we can work this oat. You don’t have feelings for her, do you?”

“Well, laaaahke, I wanna nail Kristin and move my tongue all up and down her body — maybe massage her boobies before stickin’ the Lil’ Brodester in her lady waffles — but that doesn’t mean I have feelings for her.”

“I’m getting OAT of here. If you want me, I’ll be at home listening to Bryan Adams and Celine Dion, EH?”

11 replies on “HILLS PHOTOCAP: They Try To Make Her Go To Rehab, But She Says No, No, No”

  1. I gotta say, I dont watch The Hills or these shows, but I did shamfully watch I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here, which Holly was on. As opposed to the (from what I understand thru the press) scripted storylines on The Hills, I’m A Celebrity showed who Holly really was, stripped down to nothing-ness in a camp full of D-listers.
    I watch the very cute and very genuine Holly on that show, and really liked what I saw (as opposed to her sister and whatever-in-law). Holly is way too sweet and kind for me to believe she is a drunk. So, basing on what I have seen of Holly, I gotta say this rehab storyline seems extremely out of character, and thus entirely scripted and not true to real life Holly. She seemed like such a genuine person… I dont know why she would agree to do this storyline for The Hills. Although if someone offered me a few $G’s per episode, I’d act a fool and any way they’d want me to.

  2. I did love Brody calling out Jayde on her jager bottle chugging, especially since she told him HE drinks too much. Pot, meet kettle.

  3. This show is getting progressively worse.
    Brody is an ass, Jade is fake and plastic.
    Krisin and JB fake.
    Holly a drunk-fake.
    Heidi and the kid-realy fake.
    Stephanie’s face-fake
    I’m convinced now that JB has a mental problem. He has crazy eyes.
    Your recap however, was great. I especially like the part about Holly being 43:)

  4. I loved how Heidi didn’t want to talk about drunk Holli in front of the kid. I guess those cameras/lights/mics/production staff/etc. was ok just not the kid.

  5. Brody looks exactly like his mother in the next to last picture, and nothing like his dad. But then his dad doesn’t even look like his dad anymore, does he?
    I don’t watch this show but I am going to next week so I can get the Brody’s speech pattern reference. It looks funny.

  6. I saw Holly on I’m a Celebrity and she didn’t seem to be having withdrawals from not having any alcohol, she actually seemed like a
    genuine nice and normal person and not someone who should be on the Hills
    Spencer you control freak, I am thinking that the show jumped the shark when Lauren left

  7. Am I the only one who sees Joan Rivers every time I look at Jayde?
    B-side, this is my first comment, but I have been loving all of your recaps since I first started following you on TVgasm (Laguna Beach specifically). Thanks!

  8. The day that a former meth addict & a person fired for drinking on the job sit me down to say they think I have problem’s is the day I start pulling Tina hits through a vodka/water pipe.
    wurd, ya durty burds.

  9. I’m not sure if this was the first episode where this happened, or I just didn’t notice before, but Stacie is now “Kristin’s friend” and not “Bartender”. Is that an upgrade or a downgrade?

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