SURVIVOR PHOTOCAP: One Challenge You're In, and The Next You're OUT

Raise your hand if you’re loving this season of Survivor? You probably can’t tell, but my hand is up. Way up. Unless you are excessively bitter and have no taste, Survivor: Samoa is amazing so far, replete with villains, patsies, and a few underdogs (SHAMBO) who probably won’t get their act together, but hey, such is life. Of course, the breakout star is Russell H., the asshole bulldog, who you just have to hate… but slightly admire. I mean, he’s terrible, but all his schemes and plans have sort of worked. He even found the damn immunity idol without any concrete knowledge that it had existed. Unlike other awful reality stars (say, Evel Dick from Big Brother), I must begrudgingly give Russell some props. And that being said, I can’t wait for his schemes to catch up with him (assuming they do… oh, please let them).

But like I said last week, it’s more than just Russell. We got other ridiculous people, namely Ben — a through and through asshole, who unlike Russell, doesn’t seem to be self-aware. We also have Yasmin, who seems to be a true piece of work. True, she probably shouldn’t have been tackled by Ben like a man (but he’s a dirty player; so that’s to be expected), and sure she most DEFINITELY did not deserve to have that awful ketchup sandwich remark sent her way (again by Ben), but let’s not feel too sympathetic to her. When she showed up on the yellow team and gathered everyone around like a motivational speaker, we knew we were in for trouble. Sure enough, she babbled on condescendingly about wanting to help Foa Foa (or whatever they’re called). It certainly rubbed everyone the wrong way — and justifiably so. Of course, I loved it. There’s nothing better than the divine mix of lunacy and idiocy on reality TV, and we’ve got it in spades this season.
Sadly, one of the few smart and rational people (not to mention my favorite cast member) Betsy fell victim to Russell this week. Actually, I like to think Russell only had a small part to do with it. Her tribe ousted her on account of being old and slow, which is usually what happens in these early rounds. Poor Betsy made a good case for her to stay, but what she didn’t realize is that she needed to do something Russell talks about in the preview for next week: plant a seed of doubt. She knew Russell was the power player. She needed to divert his attention elsewhere. She needed to make him paranoid about Ben. Stir the pot, breed dissent. Alas, Betsy did no such thing and was summarily ejected from the game much like the way Ben was ejected from the immunity competition.
AND LET’S TALK ABOUT THAT.
Ben certainly had a cheap shot on Russell. Worst cheap shot ever? No, but it was a cheap shot, and if there’s anyone who probably plays with cheap shots, it’s Ben. Jeff looked absolutely livid as Ben took his seat on the bench — almost as if he wanted to curse out the young hillbilly/bartender. If there’s anything we’ve learned over the years, it’s that Jeff takes Survivor VERY seriously. Let’s not forget the first time someone (Osten from Pearl Islands) quit. Jeffy looked like he wanted to slap the guy. Same went for him last night too, especially later on in the episode when Ben called Probst’s rules “sissy rules.” I’m shocked Jeff didn’t grab the guy by the neck and slam his face down into the fire pit. Certainly there will be some wonderfully overt animosity between the two of them in upcoming episodes.
Until then, let’s look at some photos…

Russell: “Just so you know, I don’t trust you. Also, I took a shit in your bra last night.”

“I wonder if I could maybe rape someone tonight.”

Ashley: “Here’s the thing. I was thinking of aligning with you because basically, I’m an idiot.”

“Check it out. It’s a lizard. I’m gonna trip it.”

“Agggh! But fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance!!!!”

“Hey, did sumbuddy say there are pork rinds up here?”

“I call this my dumbass tree alliance.”

“Hey, you guys, this is getting borderline erotic.”
“Awesome!”

“Oh hello. I’m Dr. Mick Trimming. And of course I’m going to make this basket. After all, I am Dr. Mick Trimming.”

Russell: “C’mere, piggy. Squeal like a pig! Squeal like a pig!!!”

“BEN, get the FUCK out of my challenge!”

“How’s it feel to be the first person ever to be kicked out of a challenge? More importantly, how’s it feel to be such a FUCKING DOUCHEBAG?? This is MY house!”

“You know, my good friend Dave Matthews once wrote a song about this incident. It’s called ‘Tripping Billies.’ Who wants to jam out to it? Shambo, you can be on tambourine. ‘Eat, drink, and be merrrrrry…’ Anyone? Anyone?'”

“Huh? What? Where am I? No, I’m fine. Really. I’ll have a Big Mac meal please with large fries and a diet coke. Do I pay here or at the next window?”

“Shhhh, Michael. Be still. Let our hearts beat as one.”

“It has always been my dream to act out The English Patient with a large, furry man.”

“Please, Michael. Kiss me.”

“By the power vested in me, Dr. Mick Trimming, I command you to be healthy. I COMMAND YOU!”

“I might be old, but those young guys never got me down. Okay, I’m falling down. Yup, I’m down. But hey, I’m not out! What’s that? Okay, I’m out.”

“The bad news is that I ruined our snorkeling gear. The good news is that I saw a crazy starfish. You gotta see it!!! Oh, that’s right. No snorkeling gear.”

“Hey everyone. My name’s Yasmin, and I’m here to help you because you’re all kind of pathetic and weak, and I want to make sure you can be slightly competent so it’s not so boring for my tribe when we kick your ass every time.”

“Hey nice grammar. You should go back to grammar school. Because that’s where you go for grammar — grammar school. Dumbass.”

Yasmin: “You tackled me like a man. What sort of man does that?”
Ben: “Uh, the kind of man that’s about to say you’re ghetto trash that eats ketchup sandwiches.”

“Man, I’m such a dick. It’s awesome.”

“Betsy, I thought you were a good cop, but you’re a BAD cop. And Jeff, I thought you were the host with the most, but your the host with the NOT most. And Yasmin, I thought you were a hair dresser, but you’re a hair UNdresser. Ha, I’m good.”