If the latest episode of The Rachel Zoe Project felt a bit like Arrested Development, that’s because like Lucille II, Rachel came down with (spoiler!) VERTIGO! Yes, the source of her DEADLY NAUSEA was none other than stress-induced vertigo, a.k.a. The Spins. On the one hand, I felt bad for our ailing stylist. On the other hand, I couldn’t help but laugh as I imagined her in a constant state of dizziness. Cruel, I know. I apologize, Team Zoe. Nevertheless, the doctor prescribed a lifestyle change, informing Rachel she had to do less and ease up on the stress. So what did Rachel do? She holed herself up in her Westwood apartment and organized an auction of old jewelry. Oh, and she also let her team disintegrate by tasking Taylor and Brad to figure out which one of them would go to Paris. This was poor personnel management at its best — not that Rachel has really shown any ability to manage her “styling associates” in the past. As one might expect, Taylor and Brad sort of got into it, and while the obvious choice would have been for Taylor to go to Paris as she is the more senior member of the team, she instead opted to let Brad go to Europe instead because, let’s face it, he would have been pissy for five weeks had she not. Besides, you know that for Taylor the glory of holding her sacrifice over Brad indefinitely far outshines the allure of Paris any day.
After the jump, pics from the episode…
Dr. Sanderplum: “Hi Rach–“
“Ohymygod. I’m dying.”
“Well, actually–“
“Literally, I’m already dead. You’re a ghost. Where’s Michael Jackson?”
“No, you’re alive.”
“Literally, I’ve passed into the next dimension. Ohmygod, it’s like what Aladdin said: a whole new world. A new fantastic point of view.”
“Excuse me?”
“No one to tell me no. Or where to go. Or say I’m only dreaming.”
Roger: “Rachel, get a hold of yourself.”
“Ohmygod. I just heard Roger. Has he crossed over too?”
Dr. Sanderplum: “You have vertigo.”
“Vertigo? But I’m dead. Can ghosts get vertigo? Ohmygod. I have ghost vertigo.”
“No, real vertigo. And you’re alive.”
“Ohmygod. This is a disaster. A vertisaster.”
Brad: “So how is she?”
Taylor: “She’s a little queasy.”
“So what does that mean?”
“She’s going to die.”
“Ohmygod. Literally, the room is spinning. I think I’m going to die. I’m going to literally be dead, and on my gravestone they’ll write ‘Rachel Zoe: died of spinny room syndrome.’ I’m in a spinning room of death. I die. I die.”
“Literally, Tay, you’ve been playing Snood for hours.”
“That’s because it’s a test to see if you would ever ask me to stop and try to beat my Snood score.”
“I don’t appreciate that.”
“Well, that’s the way it is.”
“I don’t know if I want to work somewhere where my best Snood score isn’t good enough.”
“UGH. I don’t even LIKE Snood.”
“Well, you know Rachel, you just have to take it easy. Don’t work so hard. You gotta eliminate the stress.”
“Roger?”
“Yeah?”
“Ohmygod. Literally, you have to keep your eyes on the road.”
“What?”
“You’re going to crash into a phone poll. Ohmygod. We just crashed into a phone poll. Literally, Roger’s been ejected from the car. He’s ejected. Ohmygod. His head is literally bleeding on the sidewalk. Literally. This car wreck is bah-nanas. And I lost a sequin. I love me a sequin. Tay? Where’s Tay? I’m calling Tay. Hi, Tay? You will never believe this: literally, I lost a sequin. Also, Roger is LITERALLY dying on the sidewalk. His head wound is on another level. This is a disaster. A head-woundsaster!”
“Literally, Brad, you’re knocking me over.”
“I’m just so excited you let me go to Paris, even though it clearly should have been you going!”
“Well, Paris will be there next year. And I hate beautiful cities anyway. I’m over it.”
“What if Paris wasn’t there next year? What if it literally moved?”
“I hate plate techtonics; so I don’t want to think about it.”
“Ew! Literally, I think plate techtonics are the best. Oh my God. If Paris isn’t there though, it’s going to be a disaster. Like, what if we land, and the city is just a field? And then someone has to tell us, ‘I’m so sorry, Paris is in Asia now.’ Ohmygod. I’m calling Rachel.”
“UGH.”
“Ohmygod. This doll is shutting it down right now.”
“Literally, I love this toddler dress. I want to wear it out. I’m wearing it out. Where am I going?”
Marissa: “Okay, I’m just going to look up your tickets on Bing.”
Rachel: “Bing? What’s a Bing? Is it a table? A lamp? I need a new lamp. Buy me a Bing for the corner.”
“No, no – it’s a search engine.”
“An engine? Like for an airplane? Can my computer fly? Ohmygod. I’m literally flying on it to Paris.”
“No, you use it to find things.”
“Does it know where my wallet is? I literally lost it.”
“No, not like that–“
“So there is literally an airplane engine in my flying computer that can find my wallet. Ohmygod. Literally, technology blows my mind.”
these make me so happy. thank you. and thank god the hills is back. and thank you for inspiring me to use the word “bradsaster” in my everyday life.
OMG, I DIE waiting for your captions of this show. Ghost vertigo and A lost sequin. I’d like to see an entire show with your dialogue. It would so work. A total laughsaster.