Just when you thought the Real Housewives universe couldn’t get any kookier, along comes the cast from New Jersey, which promises to be quite possibly the tackiest grouping of nouveau riche ladies yet. What makes me say that? Well, exactly which part of “New Jersey” do you not understand? I suppose now is where I pause and qualify my harsh, insensitive comments by saying there are plenty of wonderful parts of Jersey, and a whole branch of my extended family hails from there yada yada yada. But let’s face it: when most people think of Dirty Jersey, they think of bawdy girls with ridiculous accents and guido guys with spiky hair going in all directions. Surely these women and their children will not disappoint. I only wonder what fruit they’ll hold up in the opening credits. The Orange County women sport oranges (obviously), the New York ladies have apples (Big Apple, etc.), and the Atlanta crew thrusts peaches in our face (Georgia Peach, for the uninformed). What could the New Jersey-ites possibly hold? Meatballs? I suppose in time we’ll find out.
In the meantime, let’s take a look at the women, all of whom have bios up at Bravotv.com. Pics after the jump…
“Hey, Toots. Be sure to catch me in my one woman musical review, Rigatoni, Rigashmoni: The Teresa Giudice Chronicles.
Ah, Teresa. Take one part Janice Dickinson, one party Mercedes Ruehl, and add a little dash of that new girl Casey from Saturday Night Live, and you get Teresa. This woman looks to be a piece of work, and if anything, I’m gonna love when she calls her three daughters down to dinner: “Gia! Gabriella! Milania! Get your asses down here!!!” Wow, I haven’t even looked at the other bios yet, and I’m super excited for this show to air.
“I will punch you.”
I would not mess with this woman. Look at her! She’s probably sent ten guys to the hospital armed with nothing more than an oven mitt and a wooden spoon. She appears to be the entrepreneur of the group as she and her husband run a catering business, which according to Bravo, is very successful. Her bio also reveals that during the summer, she and the fam like to vacation at the Jersey Shore. I guess that’s kiiiiind of like the Hamptons (minus the high society and class and pedigree).
“Guess what? I fucked your son last night.”
COUGAR ALERT! Danielle is single, slinky, and on the prowl. She says it like it is (according to her), and if you don’t like her, then get out of the way. She’ll be a bitch on wheels, Jersey style! Given her appearance and her pride in being one of the first women in New Jersey to have a Black American Express card (is there a running tally of this information?), I get the sense that Danielle likes to be the cool mom. In other words, she’ll probably be a trainwreck. But who knows? According to her, Ã¢â‚¬Å“You either love me or you love to hate me, there is no in between.Ã¢â‚¬Â Hmmm… she seems okay (sorry, Danielle).
“I’ve seen Cats fourteen times, and let me tell you something: I cry every time. Fugghetaboutit.”
You can never have too many Manzos. Case in point: Dina Manzo, sister of Caroline Manzo (see above), and husband to Tommy Manzo, brother of Albert Manzo, who’s husband of Caroline Manzo (see above again). Confused? Don’t be. Caroline and Dina are sisters who married Tommy and Albert, who are brothers. It’s all very insular. Nevertheless, Dina is an interior designer / event coordinator / charity founder etc. etc. In other words: her skill set is varied, yet unfocused. I think we all know the type. She too looks like a tough cookie. But then again, which one of these women doesn’t?
“Sometimes I pretend like I’m a lawyer. Case dismissed!”
The incestuous fun / potential for family chaos continues! Jacqueline is a former cosmetologist from Vegas (red flag alert left and right!) who is the sister-in-law to Dina and Caroline (danger! danger!!!!). That’s right, she married Dina and Caroline’s brother Chris, and I can only imagine the sparks that might fly between those women and this family interloper. You know the instant that Jacqueline pisses off her husband, the other two women will come down on her like a lasagna pan on, well, anything that could be easily crushed by said lasagna pan. Poor analogy. What can I say? My brain is already rotting (but in the most delightful way!)
What do you think about the new housewives? Thoughts? Observations?