Take one part Edward Albee, one part nouveau riche excess, and two parts squealing poultry at the abattoir, and that pretty much sums up last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County, which followed the loud duo of Vicki and Tamra as they took their husbands up to Napa Valley for some old fashioned wine tasting. Yes, it promised to be a delightful romp for all involved, but instead what unfolded was a terribly awkward weekend that saw the Gunvalsons taking passive aggressive swipes at each other until finally Vicki broke down in napkin-sheathed tears at a restaurant. It was somewhat painful to watch, and yet, totally hilarious. I don’t mean to cackle at other people’s marital woes, but when the term “love tank” gets thrown around so casually, it’s hard not to.
Meanwhile, in other Housewives news, Lauri decided to leave the show (unsurprisingly) to take care of her family (and all her MONEY). I’m not sure how being off camera can improve things for her son, who’s in jail getting beaten up, but hey, a mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do. At least we don’t have to see any more of George’s spoiled brat daughter moping around (nor do we have to watch endless scenes of Lauri watching, riding, cleaning, or smiling at horses).
As for the rest of the housewives, nothing much else happened. Jeana did a few shaky pushups in the garage, hopefully to burn off that pizza pie appetizer she purportedly enjoyed earlier that week. Her self-professed conservative daughter, meanwhile, complained about life up at Berkeley, saying that everyone there was simply trapped in the ’60s (unlike her mom, who was merely trapped in the ’80s — at least according to her designer). Turns out though that wee Ann Coulter-Keough had been spending every weekend down at UCLA with her boyfriend; so really, she had no one to fault for her social life but herself. SO THERE.
Lastly, we had Gretchen, who spent all of the episode meandering around the Indy 500 with her sadly frail fiancé. Look, it’s nice to see them together in the last months of his life, but c’mon now. This is the Real Housewives of Orange County, not INDIANA. If you want to look at cars, get thee to the Tustin Auto Mall!
Anyway, here’s the photocap. Bravo only posted pics of the wine tasting; so my options were limited this week.

“Before I get out, please tell me one thing: am I the hottest housewife of this vineyard?”

“Welcome, folks. Feel free to enjoy our wine and partake in awkward conversations about your marriages.”

“That chicken is sooo not as hot as me.”

“I wear high heels to impress the chickens. Maybe THEY’LL fill my love tank.”

“See, the chickens don’t do the WOOOHOOO right. They need to add a subtle undercurrent of domestic sadness.”

“Yes, Tamra, I’ve told you many times: you’re the hottest housewife in the chicken coop.”

“Oooh, this is delicious. You know what would make this night even better? Going to a fancy restaurant and making fools of ourselves in front of the entire country!”

“I’m gonna stomp on these grapes just the way Don has stomped all over our marriage. LOVE TANK!!!!”

“Please, don’t let me fall. I can’t let Vicki be the hottest housewife in the bucket.”

“Ooooh! I think my love tank is filling up a little!”

“Let’s face it: no one can resist my bosom. My heaving, sun-damaged melanoma playground of a bosom.”

“I’m gonna wear this for Simon tonight.”

“Fill my love tank, Don. FILL IT.”

“Thank God I’m drunk.”