With Wall Street losing a trillion dollars and everything else pretty much falling apart in this country, MTV on Monday took a page out of the Spartan Cheerleaders book and said, “You know what this country needs? THE PERFECT CHEER.” And that cheer came in the form of an utterly wonderful new episode of The Hills. This latest installment was light on filler material, which meant we didn’t have four different scenes of people recapping previous conversations to other people. Instead, we were chock full o’ drama — whether it be Spencer clashing with Heidi’s mom, Stephanie lying terribly to Lauren, or Doug trying his best to weasel his way out of the frozen burrito of duplicity he’d wrapped himself into. Throw in a dash of Wet Whitney, and we have pretty much the best episode of the season so far. Yes, better than Vegas.

This week’s episode began with an old, familiar face: Jarrett the trainer who once went out with Whitney. I don’t really remember what happened on that front, except that it didn’t work out, and he disappeared much like many of the various house pets that enter Lauren’s life. Anyway, Jarrett was back in his old capacity as the professionally pretty Equinox trainer, and today, he was engaging in some sparring with Lauren. Not verbal sparring, mind you. Just traditional pugilism, all in the name of good health and toned arms. While LC threw some amazingly weak punches at Jarrett’s pads (seriously, I think Stephen Hawking could take her in a fight), she caught a nearby Whitney up on the latest gossip.
“Steph and Doug went out to dinner,” Lauren revealed, causing a perpetually slack-jawed Whit to shoot back, “Stephanie PRATT and Doug went out to dinner?” No, Whitney. Not Stephanie Pratt. Stephanie Powers. She wants Doug to star in a revival of Hart to Hart.
Of course Stephanie Pratt!!
Well, this spurred a feisty gabfest about proper dating etiquette and whatnot, and eventually Lauren completely stopped exercising, leaving Jarrett to do little else but stand there and look confused. Should he say anything? Should he be quiet? Should he try to date Whitney again? It was all too much for him. Finally, he just offered up his own take on the situation: “She better have a good explanation for you.” Please. If there’s anything we know about Lauren, it’s that once you get on her bad side, explanations don’t count for shit. Then again, it also doesn’t help that none of her friends are ever very good at explaining themselves ever. Nevertheless, with steely determination in her eyes, Lauren resumed her punches, thus revealing that if Stephanie were to piss her off, LC would have no qualms in lightly patting her in the chest with her fists.
After the opening credits, the producers set the tone of the episode by playing Britney Spears’ new song, “Womanizer.” Needless to say, it’s now been in my head for twelve straight hours. We then descended on the FIDM campus where we saw many examples of womanizers. Why, those two random girls sitting around — womanizers through and through! And that sparrow aimlessly meandering on the lawn — a bird womanizer if I’ve ever seen one! Womanizers everywhere!
Anyway, we eventually found Lauren sitting alone on a ledge, surely stewing with rage over her sidekick’s betrayal. Stephanie, meanwhile, didn’t know that her duplicity had been outed, and so she plunked herself down next to her Master and tried to engage in some small talk, but it pretty much went nowhere. In the awkward silence that followed, Steph merely muttered “Fun…” Oh, it was about to get real fun up in herre.
“So what else is new?” Steph then asked, unwittingly stepping right into the dragon’s lair of Lauren’s wrath. I pretty much expected LC to answer with a terse but violent, “What else is new? How about this: you’re not my friend anymore so get the hell off my TV show, BITCH!” Instead, Lauren merely called Steph out casually about her detante with DOUG (rhymes with “UGH”), and in turn Stephanie proved that she didn’t quite share all the same traits as her brother, namely his ability to lie shamelessly and successfully.
“He like came out of left field for me and totally took advantage of… I mean, using me to get back at you… yeah, I, um, deleted him out of my phone, and I got like missed calls from him. I’m not gonna call him back obviously,” Steph stammered. The only thing worse would have been if she had concocted some ridiculous story about an elephant knocking her unconscious, thus precipitating a potent but temporary bout of amnesia during which she had forgotten that Doug had dated Lauren, thus leading her to believe he was available for the occasional round of strings-free oral sex. I mean, it COULD happen.
Even worse for Steph was that she couldn’t even commit to her lie for more than five seconds. Apparently Doug was having a party the next day, and when Lauren asked Steph if she was going, Stephanie said yeah, totally. But wait a second — if Steph was disgusted by Doug and had deleted his number from her phone, why was she then going to his party the next day? She-Pratt explained, “This [the invitation] was like weeks ago before I was even friends with him.” Hmmm… didn’t quite answer the question. I mean, just because Doug invited her weeks ago didn’t mean that she still had to go. It was only a pool party. It’s not like it was a wedding (although, there’d certainly be a marriage of douchebaggery and drunkenness on display).

“Well, this is nice!”

Anyway, Steph seemed pretty happy with her explanation of things, and as she and Lauren sat together quietly, we headed over to Hollywood where Holly was helping Heidi make cupcakes for her 22nd birthday. Spencer, meanwhile, sat on the couch, clearly trying to take in as much TV before the Holly-monster could destroy his Tivo once again. Anyway, the good news for Heidi was that cupcakes weren’t her only birthday gift. That’s right, Holly had up and gotten her a bigger, more maternal surprise: their mother! That’s right, our old friend Darlene Montag appeared at the front door almost on cue, much to the delight of Spencer who gushed, “Mom’s here!” As Darlene settled in, we learned that she’d had no idea that Heidi had moved back in with Spencer, but fear not — it’s not like Heidi was hiding this information. She just didn’t want to tell her over the phone. Why? Beats me. But the ensuing drama on this point kind of played out like an After School Special on teen homosexuality, which was a nifty subtext to add, if only because it made Spencer represent repressed gayness.
Nevertheless, Heidi had been forced out of the Spencer closet, and Darlene was none too happy to have learned about it from Holly and not Heidi herself.
“You think it’s easy for me to… have not told you?” Heidi bleated back, conveniently employing some Pratt-logic to make herself seem like the victim. Unfortunately for her, the answer to her question is yes, we do think it was easy for her not to have told her mom.
Heidi then went on to somehow make this Darlene’s fault, saying, “I didn’t want you judging me!” Of course not. That’s why she has Spencer.
Well, it didn’t seem like these two were gonna resolve these issues anytime soon; so Darlene proposed getting lunch alone with Spencer, an idea he replied to with his phony, sing-songy voice: “I think I know some great lunch places!” I don’t know whether I should love Spencer or hate him for being the only one on the planet that can take such a benign comment and make it the most hatable sentence of 2008.
We then cut to some glamorous shots of the city at night, one of which was a prolonged view of two people’s crotches steadily marching towards the camera. Perhaps this was a metaphor for the ever-growing sexual overtures between Stephanie and DOUG, who we found moments later at local Italian restaurant Bella (not to be confused with Heidi’s long missing dog from season one). Steph seemed somewhat rattled by Lauren’s frosty reception earlier that day, but Doug reassured her that he would take care of the whole situation. He went so far as to say that he’d back Stephanie up, defending her honor if need be. He would shoulder all the blame and would reiterate that Stephanie did nothing wrong.
“Boom! Be quiet!” Doug said, deftly employing the hallowed onomatopoeia line of defense. Surely Lauren and Brody would be powerless against such retorts as “Bang! That’s enough!” or “Pow! Please say no more!”
Nevertheless, DOUG went on to reassure Steph with a serious of staccato proclamations and orders: “Just come to our party. Just play cool. You know?” I do know, Doug. I do know. He then insisted that if Brody starts up, he’ll say “Hey, relax,” and everything would be fine. And failing that, Doug will stuff so many frozen burritos in Brody’s pie-hole he won’t be able to talk for a good thirty hours.
Ultimately, Doug told Steph not to get crazy, which was a risky move as we all know that if there’s anyone who’s averse to being called crazy, it’s Crazy Steph. She let it slide though, probably because her loins were tingling at the mere sight of such a studly, caring burrito heir. Sensing horniness in the air, Doug the asked Steph what she was doing after dinner. Specifically: “move night or DVD night?”
“DVD NIGHT,” Steph said mischievously. Uh oh. These two are totally gonna DO IT. But to what DVD? My money’s on Mrs. Doubtfire. Or maybe one of those videos of birds and flowers that people put on for their cats. Or maybe just a screensaver.
The next day, we found Lauren at People’s Revolution catching Whitney up on all the drama. When Whit asked how things were with her and Steph, Lauren replied with a dismissive “fine.” Yup, sounds absolutely FINE. I actually liked Lauren’s attitude in this scene. She wasn’t as vigilant or righteous as she’s been in the past. Instead, she was more wryly amused and generally condescending, in a deserving way. Ah, the simple joys of watching youth become jaded.
Anyway, in exciting news, we learned that Whitney would be going to Doug’s party, which I suppose fills her quota of being able to tag along to exactly one event during the season. Whit was quite eager to check this shindig out, if only to finally meet Doug. Lauren, however, tempered her expectations: “You’ll hate him.” And just in case Whitney didn’t believe her, Lauren repeated the point many times. “Just trust me,” she added, throwing in an “OH YEAH!” for added emphasis. I guess we’ll just have to assume that Whitney has a natural predisposition against burrito heirs.
Meanwhile, over at DOUG’s spacious pad in the hills, we found him and Brody at what looked to be sunrise, talking about the Steph situation. Surely this was the moment we all feared — when the bros would come down on Doug for his ill-advised tryst — but we all knew that he was good to his word, and that in the face of antagonism, Doug would stand up for Steph and take the brunt of the responsibility.
Or not.
Doug immediately sold Steph out, saying that he only wanted to be friends with her all along. He then went so far as to show Brody all of Steph’s texts, which apparently said something to the effect of “Come watch a movie late night?” Okay, well, so much for “Boom! Be Quiet.”

“I love you so much, bro.”

“Bottom line is I wanted to be friends with her, she blew it out of proportion, saying come over late night, watch movies,” Doug insisted, adding “Bang! I’m innocent!”
I don’t really know who was more into this whole stupid relationship, but Doug did at least have one decent point: “At the end of the day, Lauren broke up with me, know what I mean?” This was very true, and it did give him a right to go after Steph; however, knowing that, I’m not sure I understand why he wouldn’t just ‘fess up to it. Zap! I’m confused.
Ultimately, the conversation ended with Doug asking Brody to not make Steph cry at the party. “If she cries, she cries. Not my fault,” Brody said, clearly not understanding the entire concept of causality — meaning that if he causes her to cry, it’s HIS DAMN FAULT.
Speaking of gentlemen, we then headed over to the Bloom Cafe where Spencer and Darlene were settling down for what would surely be an awkward lunch. Darlene tried to start things off on a diplomatic note, saying it was nice of Spencer and Heidi to host Holly, but Spencer quickly corrected her, noting that “It’s nice of Heidi. I really, to be honest, wasn’t too fond of the idea.” And so the rudeness begins.
Spencer then went on to accuse Holly of having ulterior motives that extended beyond just complete and total Tivo subterfuge. Yes, according to him, it was Holly’s intent to move in with Heidi and send Spencer packing. This prompted Darlene to reply, “Well, maybe that’s not such a bad idea.” OOOOH. Darlene snap!!!
Spencer, however, proved that he was impervious to any and all insults, snapping back, “What planet are you living on?” Excuse me, that woman is your girlfriend’s mother, and if you must know, she doesn’t live on a planet. She lives on a butte. AND IT’S CRESTED.
Nevertheless, Spencer went on to praise Heidi’s ability to make a decision without calling “mom in Crested Butte,” as if calling “mom in Malibu,” which is certainly what Spencer does off-camera, is much better. Thankfully, Mom in Crested Butte brought out the big guns, saying what no one has really ever said directly to Spencer’s face: “I think you’re very controlling and manipulative.” Cut to America applauding vigorously. Bring it, Darls, bring it!
The best Spencer could come back with was a sarcastic and condescending “Oh, is that what you think from Crescent Butte?” It didn’t really make any sense. It’s not like in the low altitudes of the Los Angeles basin Spencer’s personality would suddenly become “well-mannered and pleasant.”
Striking a semi-apologetic tone, Darlene then clarified that it wasn’t her intention to grill Spencer and make him feel uncomfortable, but he merely shot back, “I don’t get uncomfortable, my dear.” My dear? MY EFFIN’ DEAR? This kid has some nerve, I say! Whether or not this scene was staged (I personally don’t care), you don’t act this way to your girlfriend’s mother. For shame, Señor Pratt.
Thankfully, Darlene did not back down. If anything, she got more brutal. “I think you’re condescending, rude, and very hostile right now,” she spoke, but the words fell on deaf, square ears.
“I think you’re totally taking this the wrong way because I’ve done nothing wrong in my opinion,” Spencer stated, perhaps giving a bit too much weight to his “opinion.”

“I bet you didn’t know that if you added an ‘r’ to the end of it, your town would be called Crested Butter.”

As with any Spencer impasse, the situation ended frustratingly with no resolution, just some regretful stares into the distance that led us into the commercial break. When we returned, it was finally time for Doug’s party, which promised as much hot action as a frozen burrito fresh out of the microwave. Of course, if there’s anyone who knows anything about burning sensations, it’s Doug, whose entire backside appeared to be red as a lobster (Bam! Use sunscreen).
Anyway, things seemed perfectly fine at first. Frankie and Brody stood off in the corner making dumb jokes about trucker hats (which they still wear) while Lauren and Whitney sat poolside and rolled their eyes. “You know what’s really gross?” Lauren asked, nodding towards the guys. “I’ve kissed two out of the three of those… That’s awful.” Hey, she totally stole my punch line. That’s like the third time that’s happened this episode. Lauren, stop pre-blogging my blog. I’m just gonna be stuck writing “Yeah, what she said” for ten paragraphs.
We then paused to gaze upon Audrina Patridges new breasts, which previously made a splash at her birthday party a few weeks ago. This time, however, her mighty orbs were slightly bouncier, and conveniently, the producers played some tune with the lyric “I’m Daddy’s little girl” just as Aud unsheathed her bursting mammaries. Touché, MTV.

Audrina shows off her Patridges.

Well, with the presence of two bronzed, undulating cantaloupes in their midst, the boys became understandably hot and bothered, which is why Doug took it upon himself to do some sort of cannonball into the pool. Unfortunately for Whitney and LC, the ensuing Doug-tsunami full-on doused them with water, to the point where Lauren’s top became instantly see-through and Whitney’s mouth wound up deluged with unexpected fluid. Spitting ensued.

Wet-ney Port. RIMSHOT!

A common visual in Doug’s life.

“That was NOT funny,” Whit stated, angry for the first time since, well, ever. Even better, when Doug later tried to apologize, she brushed it off by saying, “It’s okay,” which was followed by a more peeved “I don’t even know you. AND I DON’T WANT TO!” Wow, sounds like some of that Cutrone is rubbing off on her, but whereas Kelly comes off as bitchy, Whitney just seems… awesome.
Speaking of bitches, it was finally time for Brody to ruin the party by attacking Stephanie, a fixation of his that becomes less becoming every episode, regardless of whether or not she deserves it. My theory: Brody still feels hurt and resentment over the Spencer fall-out; so by cutting down Steph, he feels like he’s cutting down Spencer. You know, projection and repression and all that fun stuff.
Anyway, Brody immediately went in for the prissy kill, telling Steph, “Somebody’s got a lot of nerve to show her face around here.” I half expected him to do an air-snap, bob his head, and say, “Mmmmmm hmmmm!”
Well, with Audrina awkwardly sitting right in the middle of this convo, Brody continued to slam his victim, saying “Stephanie, you have to understand something: I was right all along!” So should we throw a parade or something? Maybe anoint this day as “Brody Was Right All Along Day”? Just how much stroking does this guy need? And why does he care so much about saying “I told you so”? Oh, that’s right — he’s AWFUL.
Ultimately, Steph denied everything and walked away, causing our resident Greek Chorus of Whitney to say, “It’s so awkward. Why would he yell at her at a time like this? It’s so inappropriate.” Here’s the thing, Whit. Some people, like you, are smart and have a certain degree of class or tact. And then there’s Brody. Don’t question it. Just accept it.
Meanwhile, Lauren turned to Whitney and asked if she could get a ride out of the party, semi-seriously adding that she was willing to walk all the way down to her apartment if need be. Again, loving this new, wry Lauren. And I’m also glad that while it may have taken four seasons, she and Whitney are finally realizing that maaaaaybe they don’t surround themselves with the most savory of individuals. I would volunteer me and my friends as suitable replacements, but somehow, I don’t think our exciting adventures grilling quesadillas, spilling food, and NOT getting into parties will really sate LC’s fast-lane lifestyle (although, to be fair, we do hobnob with a very exclusive crowd).
Elsewhere in the city, we headed to Tart restaurant (as seen amidst an artful bus-reveal) where Heidi and Darlene were seated at what appeared to be an abnormally high table. Again, Darls said she didn’t know why Heidi had been so reluctant to reveal that she was living with Spencer again, and when Heidi protested that she was sick of taking her mother’s opinion over own, Darlene made a surprisingly salient point: Heidi wasn’t in fact thinking for herself. She was merely parroting Spencer’s thoughts, much as she used to parrot Darlene’s thoughts — she was merely swapping one dominant personality for another. OOOH. (I mean, it’s an obvious point, but still OOOOH.)
Of course, this was entirely too much for Heidi to process; so she just barked back, “This is my life, and I want to be able to make decisions for myself.” Okay, that’s nice. When will that be starting?
Darlene then revealed that Spencer had been rude and sarcastic at lunch, and that as the mother, she deserved more respect than that. True and true. She then suggested that Spencer might not want Heidi to be close with her family anymore (true again). Heidi refused to accept this, instead turning the attention back on her mother and accusing her of being judgmental. So as you can see, this is all her fault (actually, it kind of is for raising such a weak-willed daughter, but that’s neither here nor there).
Well, just when I thought Darlene might have had a shot of getting through to her obstinate daughter, she up and fell apart, crumbling into a sad image of motherhood as she teared up at the table. Why, Darlene, why? Be strong! Don’t let your daughter bully you!

“I’m sorry, Heidi. I don’t mean to cry. It’s just that you’re such a massive failure. I don’t know what else to do!”

“Maybe I’m being too controlling,” she muttered through tears. No, Darlene! You’re not being too controlling! Stop placing the blame on yourself! (Like mother, like daughter I guess). Ultimately Darlene told Heidi she just wanted her to be happy, which was nice and all, but a total cop-out. Spencer sucks, and Darlene knew it. But it doesn’t appear as if the Speidi union will be over anytime soon. At least, not until The Hills is canceled, Heidi passes 25, and Spencer realizes he has newer, prettier ingenues to sully.
Back at the pool party, the cameras settled in on a ridiculous charcoal portrait of Doug — the kind you pay $5 for on a boardwalk… if you’re an idiot. It would have been tacky enough on its own, but it became all the more mockable when we discovered it was one of many odes to our favorite burrito heir (and yes, for all you Laguna aficionados, there was a picture of Doug’s sister Casey in the corner).

A rare piece from Picasso’s oft-overlooked AWFUL period.

Meanwhile, sitting amidst this veritable Louvre of the Hollywood Hills was Steph, who was trying to escape from the douche-wrath of Brody. And for good reason. The guy was still rehashing the whole stupid saga.
“I still can’t believe this is even an issue,” Doug said, not without merit. Of course, much of the blame lays on Doug who could have killed this whole drama if he’d merely owned up to his role in it. Instead, he again tried to deny any and all sketchiness on his part, saying that he and Steph went out merely as friends. He wasn’t trying to hook up with her. He just felt pity for her because “she was LOST. She’s like a LOST puppy!” He then reiterated that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with her whatsoever. Again, a magnificent defense of her character, just as he promised he’d do on their date.
I actually felt bad for Steph, who we were led to believe could hear this all. I mean, she really was the perpetrator of this whole mess, and yet, she’s the one coming off looking like the victim (to a certain degree). Meanwhile, Doug proved that he wasn’t the sharpest burrito in the box when he announced that he went in public with Steph only once, causing Lauren to repeat his words, which then in turn caused Doug to suddenly yell, “NO I DIDN’T!” (Insert me scratching my head). Even better, Doug then clarified that he didn’t take Steph out in public. He only went to dinner with her. OOOHHHH. But not in public? Maybe he just picked her up in one of those shower curtain costumes from the Karate Kid and hid her from prying eyes all night.
Unfortunately for Doug, his claims that they went out only once were undermined when he said “I went to dinner and then…” at which point he trailed off. Word to the wise, if you want to create a sense of finality, don’t say “AND THEN…”
Of course, the truth came out: Doug and Steph had gone to one dinner AND one coffee. Dunh dunh DUNH!!! This was turning into a Harlequin romance! And Doug proved to be ever the romantic charmer as he yelled at Lauren, “You’re like my ex-fling. What is that?” Well, you can take your burrito and SHOVE IT. No one talks to the star of the show that way! Lauren immediately got up and walked away, leaving Frankie and Brody to chide their brohan about going on the date with Steph in the first place. And since he never passes up an opportunity to browbeat, Brody whined, “I found out from my MOM because you lied to the homies!” For shame. Doug has surely committed a major homie offense, punishable by eight straight months of Brody tapping him on the shoulder and saying, “Hey bro, you should know that I’m right, you’re wrong, and I told you so.”
Meanwhile, Lauren encountered Steph elsewhere in the house, and upon seeing her sidekick in tears, LC asked if she was okay. It was a classic Master move: softening up the sidekick before declaring utter and total disappointment, leading to perhaps a dissolution of the entire bond in general. Always a joy to watch — and making it even better was the handheld camerawork, which added an air of urgency to what would become an amusingly tragic scene for She-Pratt.
Thinking that her Master might be in a conciliatory mood, Steph tried to spin the situation by saying that Brody and Doug were “trying to come in between our friendship!” It was about as clunky an attempt at manipulation as there ever could be. Still, Steph pushed onwards, saying that she never wanted to hang out with the boys again. EVER! (Until the next opportunity presented itself, natch).
Lauren struck a surprisingly mature tone, brushing off the Doug-Steph dinner date with a stoic “whatever” before adding that it was something they shouldn’t have done, and it sucks, but it’s done and over. Yes, it seemed as though Lauren was taking this all for what it was: a really stupid drama. Or was she? Just seconds after acting as if she was over all this silliness, an ice cold Lauren quietly added “I didn’t know you had coffee too…”
Huminah huminah huminah.
Steph explained that she had met Doug for coffee because she wanted to tell him that he was getting the wrong impression of her and that she wasn’t into him and that she needed to get coffee because she was really thirsty and that without coffee she becomes a mess and sometimes when she’s a mess, she writes text messages she doesn’t mean, but it didn’t matter because the text messages she sent were just jokes anyway — haha, they were hilarious right? — because it’s all a joke, and surprise, Lauren! You’re on Candid Camera! There’s a camera there and there and there, and it’s all been one big joke. Doug isn’t even Doug! He’s an impersonator named Julio, and he has three nipples, and Steph knows that because she hooked up with Julio, but not because she thought he was Doug but because she liked Julio for the person that he is and did she mention that they’re on Candid Camera yet? Why is it so hot in here? I mean, it’s not hot because Doug’s in the next room. Doug isn’t even hot, and Steph doesn’t even know why she even inferred that. She was just feeling hot because it’s the heat of her innocence radiating through her, and did she leave her purse in the other room? She thinks she did. Maybe she should step out and get it; so you know, see ya!
Of course, Steph didn’t get to say all that. Lauren swiftly cut her off with an all knowing, please-don’t-bullshit-me utterance of “Steph.”
There was no getting out of this one. Steph knew she was busted, and with nothing else to do but sob, Steph let out a weepy “I’m so sorry.” But it was too late. Lauren marched out of the room, got her bag, and was off.
Now taking applications for a new sidekick. Qualifications: don’t be a Pratt.
What did you think about this episode? Who was in the wrong? What’s the deal with Brody? How do we feel about Doug? And will Darlene be able to ever show Heidi the light?

33 replies on “HILLS RECAP: Pool Party of Deception!”

  1. I agree that this was the best episode of the season. Highly enjoyable from start to finish. And I was also loving the bemused, mature Lauren.
    The second she said, “You’re coming to the party, right?” to Whitney, I knew this would be a perfect episode. I just had no idea HOW good.
    And for such a fake-feeling show all the time, Darlene seemed completely genuine (how could she not be, watching her daughter become a monster?), which made it sort of heartbreaking to watch her lunch with Heidi. How awkward to be forced to watch a woman realize she has raised a horrific failure.
    Also, how awkward for Doug to have a charcoal picture of himself.

  2. Pet peeve: Bemused means confused, not amused. So I’m not sure what this means: “Instead, she was more bemused and generally condescending, in a deserving way. Ah, the simple joys of watching youth become jaded.”
    But apart from the pet peeve, great recap.

  3. I always thought it meant “wryly amused,” but I guess I was just BEMUSED (I know, not exactly the proper usage). Thanks for the correction!

  4. I almost spit out my cereal when I read “Bam! Use Sunscreen”. Too funny.
    There was no way of getting out of the mess Steph got herself into. Stop with the really lame excuses already. Doug is a loser.
    Could someone please punch Spencer in the face repeatedly, please!! Even if that scence with Darlene was staged He was just rude. It’s not cool to talk to your girlfriend’s mom that way ever.
    I think Darlene realized that she raised an total idiot for a daughter who lets another complete idiot tell her what to do. And to quote Elodie “It’s sad!”

  5. Did anybody else think that dark-haired girl sitting at the pool with Lauren and Whitney looked like Jen Bunney?

  6. I couldn’t believe how rude Spencer was to Darlene – He really thinks he’s god’s gift to this whole world. Make me sick……..
    Quality drama as per usual – loved the whole pool party segment, watching Doug and She-Pratt try to talk their way out of their master’s bad side. (We would agree that Doug has become Brody’s second sidekick, correct?) We should have a flow chart or something……
    I feel bad for Darlene, then I realize that she created and nurtured that thing, and don’t feel so bad anymore. But I would love to see step-daddy fly in from Crested Butter (which is totally what I’m calling if from now on) and whoop Spencer’s a**!

  7. Is there ANY Pratt that isn’t a biological disaster? Will we be seeing a book written by mommy Pratt about how Hollywood destroyed her children?
    I can tell you one thing – if that had been my Mom and my boyfriend/SlaveMaster had talked to her the way Speeny did to Heidi’s mom – he would have been wearing her palm imprint on his face.

  8. Awesome recap, B-Side! I’m sure the people of Crested Butter may not agree, but this was classic.
    It wasn’t just one cheezy charcoal of himself that Doug had in his bedroom. As the camera panned, there were several photos of himself used to decorate his boudoir. How self-absorbed can he be?
    Oh, I forgot. That’s a pre-requisite for being on this show.
    Great episode for sure.

  9. I have somehow gotten my husband hooked on this show although he’ll never admit it! And when Spencer was out to lunch with Darlene I looked over at him and his mouth was wide open with total shock. I laughed out loud at him! He’s like “If I ever talked to your mother like that your dad would kick my ass”. Who the hell does this tool think he is

  10. I too thought it was a Bunney sighting at the DUG festivities.
    Do Stephanie and Doug realize they are being taped? I don’t know how they thought their BAM be quiet – HEY Relax defense was going to keep them in the clear.
    Also, I wonder if BB Memphis loathes Britney’s new song?

  11. Great recap, B-Side! The screenshots are hilarious!
    Stephanie is so utterly clueless. “Deleted his number… totally done with him- but I am going to his party”. WTF? I can’t wait until Lauren learns that not only did they have coffee and dinner, but they also have DVD nights under the sheets.
    It’s annoying to me that Ugh is so afraid of Lauren that he won’t even stand up for himself.
    As B-side pointed out, why wouldn’t he just say “Um… Lauren- you broke up with me”. Why does she feel he still owes her something. I still don’t get this.
    When Lauren said the bit about it being gross that she had “kissed” two out of three of those guys, I laughed my ass off. What a liar! You know she boffed them both.
    I do agree with you, though- Wry Lauren is my favorite Lauren for sure.

  12. even if i hated my boyfriends mom – i would NEVEEERRRRRR come close to talking like that…
    also i thought the same thing about lauren saying she “kissed both of them” — what she really meant to say is “i BANGED both of them”
    and when brody was talking about the texts “come over for a late night lets watch movies” im sure what the text really said “come over and lets f***”
    the hills and its PG editing
    also – did anyone notice that no one ever curses… its never even bleeped.. weird

  13. Did noone see whitneys outfit at the pool party?!? How has this not been mentioned!
    Beep! Great recap! Kaboom!
    Im liking the new lauren. She’s feistier than usual.

  14. I never really noticed the lack of cursing on The Hills but, it does seem odd. However, in a recent marathon of season one of Laguna Beach, Stephen dropped the f-bomb about 1000 times and they just muted it out. I also noticed Kristin got bleeped a few times herself. Perhaps after that, MTV “suggested” they watch their language and it stuck. Although, you could never break me of saying f*ck, it’s too delicious.

  15. Also Justin Bobby has been known to drop a bomb from time to time.
    Spencer needs some serious slappage.
    Excellent recap, I laughed so hard!! How can burrito jokes keep getting funnier?

  16. couple things: i also thought i saw jenn bunney lounging. and what’s with Whitney being gloriously present outside by the pool, but when inside during the “fling” argument, Loaf was sidekick du jour. wtf? i was shocked she was there, having not seen her at all before then.
    and maybe everyone else knows this already and i’m just slow… but it occurred to me when i saw the charcoal/Angels pics of dUgh…. isn’t he the same dolt that took Lo on a date back in “Laguna” days when the whole crew went to Catalina??? he was saying his baseball coach could help him get into college etc… most awkward date ever. what a tool.
    i too was speechless with Spencer’s lack of respect to Darlene. it makes me think it was scripted. had to be. no human could actually be that rude. right? (he asked hopefully)

  17. PDS — I think you’re right! I’ll double check.
    Also, there is actually a good amount of cursing. The editors just drop the audio; so it sort of just breezes by. They also tend to cut away; so you can’t even see the lips. Very sly…

  18. I do not recall whether or not I have asked this before, but could some one kindly shed some light upon this?: I am absolutely certain that I saw, one or two seasons ago, a preview of Whitney saying to Lauren: “I kissed Brody” and then elaborating that the kiss was more of a brother-sister kiss.
    I know I am not imagining things and that this in fact happened!!!!!!
    Some one help, this is driving me to mental insanity.

  19. No I think Lo went on a date with a guy named Mike when everyone was in Catlina.
    I’m pretty sure Whitney said she went on a date with Brody once long before she ever knew Lauren.
    I love that they don’t cuss all over this show. I’m so sick of hearing people talk like that. It really shows a lack of education when all you can do is curse when you talk. The guys I work with prove that to me time and time again.
    I for the life of me can not understand what Heidi sees in Spencer. Please God tell me that their relationship is fake and strictly goes on for the cameras.

  20. Pow! That was hilarious! Zoinks! Spencer’s still a douchebag!
    I will never, ever get sick of making fun of that. DOUG really showed his true colors in this episode. Apparently, he has adopted the Spencer Pratt methodology of dating as many Hills girls as possible to maximize your screen time. Next episode: “So…Whitney, I know you said you didn’t want to get to know me, but are you aware you are in the midst of a BURRITO HEIR??? Those things would fit so perfectly in your already agape mouth.”
    One of your funniest recaps for one of the best Hills episodes to date. I burst out laughing at “She lives on a butte. AND IT’S CRESTED.”

  21. did anyone else notice doug’s jaw moving while he was pleading his case to the brodster and frankie? you know what that means…

  22. OK, I give. What does UGH’s jaw movement mean?
    I want to give some props to Darlene, even though she must have made some deal with the devil to sacrifice two daughters to this show AND appear on it herself. IMO, she looks better than Heidi. Heidi is a walking testament to plastic surgery gone amok. Darlene seems like a real person genuinely horrified by her daughter’s choices.

  23. This episode confused me! I don’t really have anything new to add to the comments already made, but I wanted to chime in because I agree with everyone so thoroughly. HOW could Doug and Steph think that Lauren wouldn’t find out? I just don’t UNDERSTAND! Not only, as someone said, were they being FILMED, but Steph voluntarily told Audrina. ?? What am I missing?
    Also, how Spencer acted to Darlene was SO out of line. Again, if Heidi didn’t realize how bad it was, you’d at least think she’d see the episode and tell him never to do that again. Like, it’s her MOM! Nobody trumps mom! NOBODY!

  24. So are we to understand that between that sickly sweet Mother’s Day photo shoot ( *urp* I just threw up in my mouth a little….again)and Heidi’s birthday a few weeks ago Darlene was in a total media blackout?
    Have they no internet/cable TV/USWeekly/Star Magazine in Crusty Butt, er, Crested Butter, um, Crested Butte?
    To quote a famous Pop Culture Trend Setter (aka B-Side), “I call shenanigans”

  25. Doug and Stephanie should not have tried to hide anything. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with a relationship between Doug and Stephanie, and I think the rest of the cast would have shared my view if Doug and Stephanie hadn’t tried to put the blame on each other for what happened between them.
    B-Side, excellent, excellent recap. Loved the made-up dialogue where Stephanie tries to vindicate herself. Hilarious!

  26. >
    I totally agree w/ Nikki’s statement (and not just b/c we share the same name…) I was horrified to see Whit’s bathing suit b/c it looked like something her Grandma should be wearing. And to think Whitney wants to “do more styling”. God forbid!

  27. so i whipped out the Season1 Laguna DVDs, and Heather is right…. Lo went out with a different dolt than dUgh. mike. looks just like dUgh though

  28. I, too, thought there was going to be a Memphis reference or picture somewhere in the womanizer paragraph. I just added my own mentally…but I’m sure you could have done better, B-Side.

  29. I thought about making a Memphis reference, but I don’t like to cross-pollinate too much, lest Hills fans don’t watch Big Brother and have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.

  30. Does anyone else recall Dorothy Stratton? That movie about her life from Dairy Queen to Playboy really comes to mind when I watch Heidi and Spencer.
    There was a movie made of her life called Star 80 and just physically watching the transformation of Dorothy in the movie is similar to watching Heidi transform. Her hair gets lighter, her lips get glossier.
    Spencer is scary and Heidi really needs help at this point. Hopefully she will grab one of the lifelines that are being tossed her way.

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