How frustrated was I with last night’s live eviction episode of Big Brother? Everything seemed to be so perfect about it at first. There were scads of technical flaws — scratchy mics, incorrect audio feeds, the sudden appearance of a guinea pig — and the Chenbot seemed like she might just lose it at times, such as when she full-on scolded the house guests with a stern, my-husband-is-Leslie-Moonves reprimand of “LISTEN UP!” Yes, it was shaping up to be a glorious live episode if there ever was one, and it was all topped with the cherry of divine justice that was James’s unceremonious eviction from the house. I’m sorry, I meant to say CRAAAZY JAMES. Because he’s just so damn crazy! You know, what with his sitting around and curling up and being quiet all the time. To be fair, his gay porn past matched with his sanctimonious world view IS pretty crazy, but more like sad-crazy, not wacky-and-fun-crazy.

Nevertheless, after having hypocritically railed on his fellow house mates for being “materialistic” and breaking their word, I was more than pleased to see Not-So-Crazy James get the heave-ho. I guess somewhere along the line he had forgotten that he too was vying for prize money and that he too had broken his word numerous times. But you know what they say: never trust a guy with a pink mohawk (especially if he’s AWFUL).
Yes, one would think this would have been a great episode, but then things started to go sour very quickly. First, the producers neglected to show yet another fight with Josh, one that happened directly after the veto ceremony. He lashed out at Natalie and began verbally abusing, making her the third woman in row he’s snapped on. Unlike the others though, she didn’t just roll over and take it. Natalie dished it right back at Josh, and I thought surely this would be shown on TV, but alas, it was probably cut thanks to time issues in the live broadcast. Yes, with one new house guest returning to the compound, the entire live show schedule was booked tight, but for nothing. We went through all this pomp and circumstance about who would go back into the house (America voted Alex. I’m very, very disappointed in you all), and then suddenly, we learned that oh wait, he might not be returning to the house after all. That’s right. The producers let the house guests vote between bringing back James or Alex, the latter of whom was hidden in a “mystery box.” Matt, Ryan, and Sheila voted for the mystery box, but alas, Natalie shockingly broke rank, thus ensuring James’s annoying return to the house. This, of course, made no one happier than Chelsia, who’s sort of like an awful, loud, Supercuts version of Posh Spice — but with a nasty back tattoo that looks strangely like hair. Surely now we’ll have to endure a week of James going on and on about people breaking their word (which he did specifically to Natalie and Matt in week 2) and forgetting that it’s all just a game (a fact he selectively remembers only when defending his endorsement of Chelsia as a nominee last week).
As much as James’s high horse annoys me, I’m most frustrated with CBS. You strung us (and those poor contestants) along for the past week, and for what? Nothing! Everything in the house has stayed the same! I’m downright inconsolable now. I think the only thing that could make me happy would be if Josh somehow wound up on the block and kicked out of the house. Sigh. Why, CBS? WHY?
Ultimately, I couldn’t help feeling that the show’s final dreary image was its most fitting. We saw the contestants lurching around on a giant, groaning contraption while an oversized champagne bottle ejaculated liquid all over them. Sounds like a good way to summarize the episode. BLAH.
What did you think about the twist? Or lack thereof? And now don’t you regret not having Allison back in the house? THEY WOULD HAVE FLIPPED OUT!!!