Earlier tonight, I decided I would merely fast forward through tonight’s American Idol results show, and yet, as is always the case, I sunk nearly forty minutes into the damn thing, fast forwarding only occasionally when group numbers and phone calls and McPheever got too much for me to handle. Oh Idol. You’re such a cruel beast.

Let me start by saying that it’s been two episodes now that we’ve endured the new stage, and I’m still not won over. It’s just too entirely small. Well, actually, it’s a paradox. It’s small and huge at the same time. Ultimately, it’s filled with wasted space. Because the camera doesn’t want to linger on the band too long, we’re stuck with only a handful of interesting angles. Gone is the tall, majestic backdrop for these singers to enjoy. In its place is what looks like an oversized buffet chafer. Seriously.


Nevertheless, tonight’s result show was filled with mostly, well, filler. There was the obligatory group number / montage / car wreck which I managed to watch for about two minutes before an unrelenting need for silence overcame me. Needless to say, I fast-forwarded over that.
There were also multiple awkward, clunky Horton Hears a Who tie-ins, starting with a Jim Carrey cameo that never quite reached “funny” status. At one point, I thought he might be raring up for some joke, but Ryan full-on interrupted his bit, effectively killing whatever punch line was in store for us. This may have been a good thing, but I was still pissed on principle (interrupting = pet peeve).
If the Horton Hears a Who silliness wasn’t bad enough, we were also treated to a particularly miserable Ford video which featured the kids all singing “The Distance” while pretending to be running for some sort of political office (my guess: President of the Unites States of AWFUL). Admittedly, the scenario seemed somewhat interesting — at least compared to the finalists singing in a tropical pet store or a wacky car wash — but why did they have to sing such a non-melodic song? I mean, it’s one thing when Cake does it, but to have all twelve of these kids chanting along? It just sounded ridiculous. Surely there’s a better election-themed tune out there. How about… “We Built This City?” Or better yet, “We Don’t Need Another Hero.” A withering commentary!
As bad as the video was, however, it couldn’t compare to the prolonged and tedious viewer call-in segment. Now, Ryan Seacrest is a very good DJ, and he knows how to handle the phones like none else, but not even he could keep this portion of the show entertaining. Too many long pauses, too many dumb questions, and too many confused responses. No one seemed to know what was going on or what to say. I’m sure Seacrest probably pushed for this segment to show off his skillz, but I think this noble experiment must come to an end imeeeeediately.
The rest of the show was just the typical fare. Katharine McPhee looked good as usual in her performance with David Foster. Watching her on stage reminded me of how far the female contestants can extend their run by showing off their, uh, assets. To be fair, Katharine had talent to back up her curves (unlike, say, wannabe hottie Haley Scarnato), but nevertheless, this should serve as a noteworthy lesson to Kristy Lee Cook. Lose the sweet country duds. Time for a skanky city makeover. Well, maybe not skanky, but certainly something that doesn’t say “I still watch reruns of The Torkelsons.”
Of course, I can give this advice to KLC because she managed to survive a scare in the bottom two. She, Syesha Mercado, and David Hernandez wound up as the runt of the pack, much to my slight surprise. I thought for sure RAMBUTAN, who was dressed like a little bumblebee tonight, would be on the chopping block, but luckily, she escaped certain death, much to the joy of her “Family & Friend,” a.k.a. Danny Noriega.
Well, once Syesha was allowed to return to the couch for future singing / scarf hoarding, I knew that David Hernandez was going home. Middle America will never abandon a blond country girl, at least not in the first week. A gay club stripper with a fake tan and annoying pre-song interviews? Yeah, not gonna fly with Nancy from Des Moines.
And so, despite having one of the best voices in the bunch, David Hernandez was unceremoniously dropped from the Idol universe. Kristy Lee Cook should have gone home, but then again, David’s performance on Tuesday was nothing short of terrible. It sucks that he won’t get to go on tour with the gang (only the top ten hit the road — an oddly dickish move, I always think), but at least he knows he’ll have his job at Dick’s Gay Cabaret waiting for him.
As the show came to an end, we saw David’s goodbye montage, which was not set to that “Hollywood is not America” song (which I actually liked) but instead to some new, awful Ruben Studdard song. To think that we’ll have to hear it every week is gut-wrenching to me. To paraphrase Mean Girls, “Stop trying to make Ruben happen. It’s not going to happen.”
What did you think about the show?