Breaking news from the Royal Family. New mother Sophie Rhys-Jones, a.k.a. the Countess of Wessex (or C.O.W.), has proven that while her title is un-throneworthy, she’s certainly the queen (get it?) of hats. I know this must seem like a scone-shattering proclamation to all you Camilla Parker Bowles fans, but before you get your clotted cream all up in a bundle, take a look at the compelling evidence after the jump…

“Well look at how big my hat is!”

Suffering under the weight of her headgear, the Countess finds a necessary and welcomed buttress in her umbrella.

Sophie’s take on the 10 Gallon Hat: The 37.854118 Litre Chapeau.

“Bollucks. I think we already missed the afternoon showing of Mr. Bean’s Holiday.”

Adrift in regal boredom, Sophie seems unaware that two seagulls have begun a skirmish on her forehead.

Later, the Countess of Wessex would succumb to flower-induced scoliosis.

“Well, Edward, I don’t see how I’m supposed to smile when there’s a sea urchin attached to my brim.”

“Wait a second. Can I turn this into a hat?”

“I bought this one at Radio Shack.”

“Bitch thinks she can outshine me, The Queen, with her oversized floret? WELL, I DON’T SEE HELEN MIRREN MAKING ANY MOVIES ABOUT HER!

Mere nanoseconds before she reacts, the camera catches Sophie during an accidental grazing by an errant, beribboned pizza platter.

“Oh look. Americans.”

“Well, it’s a bit heavy and shiny for my tastes, but this will make a fine hat indeed!”

“You can wave all you want, Beatrice, but my hat’s better.”

“Tell me Wills, do you like my hat? Be honest.”

“Why yes, Aunt Sophie. It’s quite lovely. Did you buy that at the same millinery shoppe as Beatrice? Hers is delightful. I’m just chuffed to bits about it.”


“I’m dying inside.”

Photos via Getty Images

7 replies on “ROW ALERT: Countess of Wessex Out-Hats Royal Family”

  1. Brilliant! Crazy Brits and their crazy hats. Good thing that trend stayed on that side of the pond.

  2. I thought the Kentucky Derby brought out wierd hats. This chick takes the cake. (she’d probably put the cake on her head)

  3. That was the BEST! I swear, the “English” use a tissue, crumple it, then shape it into a hat. Yum!!!
    B-Side, please continue the fun! Blog daily!

  4. Your tragically accurate photo essays slay me. Not to mention your command of the British language.

  5. Brilliant, B-Side. I realize the females of the British Aristocracy are keeping milliners in business but couldn’t they show some of that f#$king refinement they supposedly have when they choose the damn things? Good Husband those were some friggin’ awful hats. Shows money can not buy fashion sense and in-breeding kills good taste.

  6. It’s amazing how incitefully you managed to capture “British Rage”: Uptight on the outside and boiling with the intensity of 1,000 small-anused suns on the inside. WELL DONE YOU!

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