RACHEL ZOE PHOTOCAP: It’s A White Moment-saster!

The snow may have abated, but there was still a big, white disaster in New York on the latest episode of The Rachel Zoe Project. After searching high and low for a white Oscar gown that would thus yield “a white moment at the Oscars” for Cameron Diaz, Rachel learned that due to the event’s white stage design, none of the presenters or nominees could wear WHITE. NooooooooOOOOOoooOOOooOOO!!! This was a whitesaster! How was Cameron to have her white moment??

Yes, it was one of many dramatic turns in the life of Rachel Zoe Rosenzweig, who spent her time in NYC juggling a baby-yearning sister, an antsy husband, and a flashy QVC fashion show, among other things. Unlike most episodes, however, I did feel there was some mild emotional undercurrents in this latest installment. I think that’s thanks to Rodger, who after viewing a cute home video of his 1998 honeymoon with Rachel, waxed nostalgic about how he never even thought his wife would have a career, let alone be a driving force in a field. I may be snarky, but I’m a softy for reflection, and I thought these musings were particularly thoughtful.

As for the rest, it was all just the usual mess of chaotic dilemmas, all preceded by the words “ohmygod” (my favorite instance came when Rachel came face to face with a sizable ice puddle). Good times, as always…

Rodger: “Babe, these aren’t egg whites.”
“Oh my God. I wanted an egg white moment.”
“Well, you can’t have it anymore.”
“Oh my God. This is an eggsaster.”
“I need new eggs, babe.”
“This is so not eggcellent.”
“I’m ordering, babe.”
“That is eggzactly what you should do.”
“I can’t believe they messed up my eggs.”
“It’s eggscruciating.”
“Okay babe, I get it.”
“Oh my God. I’m on an egg roll.”
“Yes, I know.”
“No, LITERALLY I am on an eggroll. There is an eggroll under my butt. I left it on the seat last night as a reminder not to sit on it. My robe is ruined. This is beyond. Beyond.”

“Oh my God. Roger. There’s a blizzard.”
“The weather is fine, Rach.”
“Literally a blizzard.”
Brad: “A blizzard?”
“Blizzard.”
“What do we do?”
“I don’t know.”
Rodger: “Guys, there’s no blizzard.”
Rachel: “Oh my God. The blizzard has gotten Rodger. He’s one of them now.”
Rodger: “One of who?”
“The blizzard people.”
Brad: “Oh my God. Rachel. He’s a man blizzard.”
“We need to kill him.”
“I’m scared.”
“Just be very calm and pretend like we don’t notice.”
“Oh my God. I’m going red.”
“Oh no. He’ll know we know. This is a blizzardsaster.”
“We need to pull over.”
“We’re going to die. We die. We die.”

Rachel: “Oh my God. This is major.”
Joe Zee: “LOVE IT! That look is CAYUUUTE!”
Brad: “I am smart!”

“Oh my God. It’s Oscar De La Renta. Do you realize that I am LITERALLY looking for Oscar looks?”
“That is very funny.”
“Oh my God. I just realized that your name is Oscar.”
“Yes.”
“Literally, I love your awards.”
“No, I am not the same Oscar.”
“I can’t wait for Cameron to have a white moment at your awards. Do you call them The Me’s?”
“You are confused.”
“Wait, I’m confused.”
“I am Oscar De La Renta. I am not Hollywood Oscars.”
“I don’t get it.”
“We are different.”
“But you are both Oscar.”
“Yes, but–“
“Why are there two Oscars? Oh my God. I need to get a second Oscar look for Demi.”
“No, no, no–“
“She’s going to have a black moment and a gray moment.”
“No. Only one Oscars.”
“But you said there were two. Is one invisible? Oh my God. Are you a ghost Oscar?”
“No.”
“So if you’re real, then the other one is ghost.”
“No.”
“Oh my God. It’s a ghost award show. This is a ghostsaster.”

Rachel: “We are LITERALLY not even moving.”
“Like, if we were moving, only an inch worm would be able to tell because the inch worm is so slow that it can detect anything faster than it.”
“Why is the inch worm slow?”
“Because it only moves an inch at a time.”
“We’re only moving an inch at a time.”
“Maybe we’re an inch worm.”
“Oh my God. We are literally driving in an inch worm.”
“I’m scared.”
“Call up Hertz and ask them why they rented us an inch worm.”
“Do you think the worm ate us?”
“Unclear.”
“Maybe we’re dead.”
“Oh my god. We’re ghosts.”
“There’s so much I never did.”
“It’s not too late. Make a fire. The inch worm will sneeze us out.”
“I don’t think I can do that.”
“Did you try?”
“I mean, I could try.”
“I need Tay. Tay? Tay? Where is my blessed jewel?”
“How could you say that? You know what Tay did to you!”
“Life is too short. You can spend weeks hating someone and then suddenly an inch worm eats you, and you realize how much people mean to you.”
“That was, like, profound, Rachel.”
“I know.”
“Thank you.”
“No. Thank the inch worm.”

“Oh my God. We’re late. We’re literally late. This is a latesaster.”
“Rachel, if we don’t make it into the show, I think I might cry.”
“Oh my God. I’m having a late moment. I die. I die.”

“Those security guards LITERALLY stepped on my feet.”
Brad: “I bet your feet are all flat now like a duck’s.”
“Oh my god. I have duck feet. I need to swim. Where am I swimming?”

“Oh my God. I want to literally steal this coat, but I’m not going to steal it. Oh my God. I’m stealing it.”
“You cannot take.”
“It’s like Fuzzy Wuzzy turned old and white and then became a coat. And now it’s around me. Oh my God. This is major.”

“I found Cameron’s gown.”
“Get out.”
“I did.”
“Literally?”
“Literally.”
“Oh my God.”
“It’s a white moment.”
“I die. I die.”
“Like, literally. White. Draped. Belted. Amazing.”
“Tell the Bing to bring it to me.”
“One more thing.”
“What?”
“Netflix says that it won’t send you another movie until you return Beverly Hills Chihuahua.“
“Oh my God. I will never send it back. That movie is genius. It’s beyond. It’s my blessed jewel of DVDs.”

“Oh my God. Rodge. You’re having a scarf moment.”

“We’re here with Rachel Zoe, who’s having a fashion show for QVC, and as we all know, QVC stands for–“
“Quiet Vacuum Cleaner.”
“No, it stands for–“
“Queen Victoria’s Cabana.”
“No.–“
“Quick Venti Coffee.”
“N–“
“Quilted Vagina Cup.”

“Hey Rodge. Rodge. Where’s Rodge?”
“I’m right here.”
“Oh my God. The Bing is telling a joke.”
“All it says is ‘315,25 search results found.'”
“Oh my God. I die. That is hilarious.”
“I don’t get it.”
“I can’t explain it. It’s very Bing. Where’s Demi? I’m going to tell Demi. She gets the Bing’s humor.”

“And then the Bing was all ‘No results found.’ Oh my God. I die. I die.”

“Oh my God. What is it?”
“It’s a ring, babe.”
“Oh my God. LITERALLY, it’s my precious.”

“Oh my God. I’m having a Barbie moment.”
“I thought you’d like that.”
“Literally, she looks just like me.”
“I had her custom built.”
“Oh my god. Is she me?”
“Yes!”
“I’m her?”
“Yes!”
“Oh my God. So I’m a Barbie doll.”
“No. She’s the Barbie doll. You’re you.”
“Wait. Am I Barbie? I thought I was Rachel.”
“You are Rachel.”
“Then who is that?”
“Barbie.”
“Oh my God. But she looks just like me.”
“Well, she’s a Barbie Rachel.”
“Oh my god. I’m plastic.”
“No, you’re human.”
“I’m a doll come to life. I’m Mannequin. Where’s Meshach Taylor?”
“You’re not a mannequin.”
“Oh my god. And we can build this dream together. Standing strong forever. Nothing’s gonna stop us now.”
“Honey, now you’re just speaking the Mannequin theme song.”
“Oh my God. I’m Mannequin: Pig in The City.”
“Okay, you’ve mixed it up with Babe.”
“Babe?”
“Yeah?”
“Wait. Are you a pig in the city?”
“No. I’m just babe.”
“I love you, babe.”
“I love you too, babe.”

“This is a hairsaster. LITERALLY, my hair needs to be down.”
“How about we put it half up, half down?”
“Shut the front door. That sounds beyond.”
“You’ll look super modern.”
“I love me a messy hair moment.”

“Happy anniversary, Rodge.”
“Happy anniversary, babe.”
Brad: “Wow. I feel so honored to be here. It’s like a Bradiversary.”
Rodge: “Brad is like your husband when I’m not around.”
“But you’re my husband.”
“It was a joke.”
“Do I have two husbands?”
Brad: “Oh my God. Did we get married?”
Rodge: “No. You only have one husband.”
Rachel: “And it’s Brad.”
Rodge: “No. It’s ME.”
“So why are Brad and I married?”
Brad: “Literally, I can’t wait to see the wedding photos!”
Rodge: “There was no wedding.”
Rachel: “Oh my God. We eloped. My sister will be so mad.”
Brad: “That’s kind of sexy — us running off to the chapel late at night!”
Rodger: “Guys, Brad is single. I am married to Rachel.”
“So Brad is my ex.”
“No. You two were never an item.”
“Then why are we celebrating our Bradiversary?”
“UGH.”

“Oh my God. Where’s Marc?”
“I don’t know.”
“We can’t be late.”
“What if we are?”
“That would be an anniversarysaster.”
“I don’t think we’re going to make it.”
“Can we try?”
“I mean, we can try.”
“Tell the Bing to get us a bullet train.”
“We’re only a hundred feet away.”
“Oh my God. I’m having my hundred feet away moment.”

“Rachel.”
“What?”
“Rachel.”
“What?”
“Oh my God.”
“What?”
“I’m having a meltdown.”
“No, you’re having a Brad-down.”
“I think I might faint.”
“Oh my God. This is a communicationsaster. What is wrong?”
“No…wwwhhh–“
“Oh my God. Spit it out.”
“No whiiii—“
“This conversation is a Bradsaster.”
“NO WHITE AT THE OSCARS.”
…
……..
………..
“ohmygod.”
“Are you okay, Rach?”
“ohmygod.”
“This is a whitesaster.”
“ohmygod.”
“What do we do?”
“I love me a white moment at the Oscars.”
“I know.”
“ohmygod.”
“There will be no white moments.”
“I’m like literally shaking. LITERALLY. I think the room is spinning.”
“I’m having a red moment.”
“ohmygod. My vertigo is back. Literally, we’re on a merry-go-round. Where are the horses?”
“There are no horses.”
“Are they ghost horses?”
“Maybe.”
“ohmygod. Why are there ghost horses? This hotel is haunted.”
“I’m scared.”
“ohmygod. I’m having a ghost moment. This is a ghostsaster.”

“Oh my God. I wish I were wearing white. I love me a white moment.”

“Brad, look. There’s a small version of the dress in this box.”
“No, that’s the viewfinder on the camera.”
“I don’t get it.”
“If you look at it, you can see what you’re about to take a picture of.”
“And then it shrinks it?”
“No. This is a preview.”
“A preview of the smaller version of the dress.”
“No. Of the picture.”
“Why is the picture so small?”
“No, the picture can be larger.”
“Oh my God. This is so confusing.”
“It’s really not. All you have to do is–“
“LITERALLY, if we get Cameron a dress that is only three inches tall, she will fire me.”
“It won’t happen.”
“Fired.”
“We’ll get the right size.”
“Fired.”

Rachel: “We need that Oscar gown.”
“We’ll get it. Don’t obsess.”
“I’m obsessing.”
“Please don’t.”
“I’m obsessed.”
“Rachel.”
“Obsessed.”
“You need to enjoy your anniversary.”
“It’s not my anniversary. It’s my obsessiversary.”
“We’ll get the dress.”
“This is an obsessaster.”