I suppose Tuesday night’s episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey was the calm before the storm. That’s because next week, we’re already at the much-hyped season finale where tables are flipped, fingers are pointed, and bellows of “WHHHHOORREEEEE!!!!” are screamed across all of Bergen county. Yeah, it’s gonna be a doozy, and I personally can’t wait. But for now, we have last night’s pleasant but rather uneventful episode to contend with. Coming off the drama of “THE BOOK,” I was really hoping this installment would build on the tension in Franklin Lakes, but it instead it served as a bit of a palate cleanser. The dominating stories pertained mostly to boob jobs and photo shoots gone awry, which was all fine and good, but none of the Danielle drama Bravo hyped up in its promos ever really came to fruition. Sure, the Cougar broke up with her cup — in a dingy local diner, of all places — but aside from some quivering chin action, there really wasn’t much more to the story line than that.
Amusingly though, after having dumped her boytoy over the Early Bird Special, Danielle then sat down her two girls and told them that even though things were kaput with Steve, he still wanted to be there for the girls and take an active role in their lives. Sadly, the only one who actually believed this was Danielle. Not even the girls put any faith in this dumb story, citing previous suitors who have failed to live up to their promises. It’s actually kind of depressing seeing how jaded the kids were, but the eldest one spoke the truth when she postulated that men were only interested in Danielle’s “goodies.” This led to an uncomfortable moment as America recoiled at the thought of using the term “goodies” in association with Danielle’s snatch. It’s kind of like calling rotting compost a “candy pile.” Anyway, this is getting entirely too graphic, and I apologize.
Jeana Keough In Mortgage Trouble!
A few weeks ago, rumors swirled that Jeana Keough might not return for the next season of The Real Housewives of Orange County. Maybe she might want to reconsider that fat paycheck from Bravo as she’s now defaulted on her mortgage to Chase. Yes, the beleaguered and often trod-upon housewife now owes over $37,000 to the bank and nearly $4,000 to her homeowners association. The former Playboy bunny told the Orange County Register that there’s actually a method to the madness. Jeana claims she’s applying for a loan modification, which necessitates that she ceases payment on her current mortgage in order to qualify. Sounds like a mess. And I’m sure Vicki has been happily clucking away about steps Jeana could have taken to avoid this situation.
Nevertheless, read all about it here (via Curbed LA)
'New Moon' Trailer Delights Chubby Girls and Gay Boys Worldwide
That’s it. I can’t take it with this Twilight nonsense. I’m gonna rent the damn movie, get drunk, and watch it. Maybe even live blog it. Before that happens though, here are a bunch of tweens and teens reacting to the New Moon trailer as if they were watching the live assassination of a world leader. Who knew lupine transformations could be so thrilling to the under-age set? Then again, there is a video of me out there reacting in a similar manner to Julie Chen saying “But First” on TV three years ago. So to each his own, I suppose. But seriously, these kids need to get a grip.
(My sister-in-law, my cousin, and my friend Lbucha are of course exempt from any disdain.)
Meet Your Next Food Network Stars!
Two nights ago, the Food Network launched its fifth season of Next Food Network Star, a cooking show that is often and unjustly viewed as Top Chef’s ugly little brother. While the series isn’t as slick or upmarket as what Bravo has to offer, in some ways Next Food Network Star is actually a stronger product in that we the viewer can actually have informed opinions on what’s being judged. That’s because contestants on Next Food Network Star are not only trying to present appetizing dishes, but they’re also essentially auditioning for America. It’s all about their personality, their authority, and their taste-level –Â three attributes that I can happily pontificate about from my cozy seat on the couch.
Plus, let’s not overlook the judging panel. We’ve got Food Network executive Bob Tuschman, who’s affable and friendly and seems like he’d never hurt any living creature under the sun. We’ve got Bobby Flay, whose growly, thuggish voice sometimes betrays his immense talent. And then we’ve got marketing exec Susie Fogelson. Oh, Susie Fogelson. Really, the other two don’t even matter. No disrespect to Bobbies T & F, but it’s all about Susie Foges. She is the quintessential ice queen –Â the second coming of Carolyn Kepcher. And I mean that in the best possible way. Very few can level a cold, withering insult like Susie Fogelson, who manages to add a wonderful tinge of corporate je ne sais quoi to her frequent disapproval. Her hand-flapping protest of Kelsey Nixon’s Rachel Ray Show performance last season (“This feels uncomfortable”) is legendary in my book. Honestly, I think she may just be second only to Martha Stewart. Like that doyenne of the WASPy putdown (“You just don’t fit in”), Susie’s critiques are gloriously soul-crushing, which means that when she likes something, it’s all the more exciting. She kind of is the X-factor for this show. A wonderful, wonderful X-factor.
HOUSEWIVES PREVIEW: Filling Up Caroline's Volcano Love Bowl
“LET ME TELL YOU A SOMETHING ABOUT MY FAMILY: we ALL enjoy a good volcano love bowl once in a while.”
It’s Tuesday; so that can only mean one thing: time for more Real Housewives fun, and as usual, I’ve got some preview clips. In the video above, Caroline celebrates her wedding anniversary with her kids in a Chinese restaurant where she and the hubby order the scandalously named Volcano Love Bowl (not to be confused with Vicki’s Love Tank). The Manzos continue to charm me with their mix of humor and hot-tempers (also seen in a clip after the jump where they hit the gym). It almost makes you forget about the shamelessly materialistic Teresa who seems to deal with life’s problems by throwing money and lip gloss at them. After the jump, check out a video of her talking to her crying daughter while she vacations in Atlantic City. Poor Milania misses her mom so much that she can’t stop wailing in the Chateau de Giudice. So what does Teresa do? If you answered “Sternly ordered her to stop bawling,” you’d be wrong. Instead she promises gifts and teddy bears to mend the situation. This does not bode well for their childhood development…
More videos after the jump.
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About That Pesky Commenting System
One of the banes of this site’s existence has been the commenting system, which has always sucked no matter what I’ve done to fix it. It’s still far from perfect, but last night, I installed new commenting software that no longer necessitates leaving the page for the verification process. Now you can submit your comment and watch as it magically goes from entered text to real life comment RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES. Don’t get too excited though. It still takes an inordinate amount of time for reasons I have yet to determine (shaking fist at the heavens). Nevertheless, the process is slightly more efficient now, and hopefully fewer comments will be lost.
We will be losing one special thing though: the Successful Comment Lady. She’s been with us since day one, but now that we have no comment verification screen, it seems as though her prominence on this site will now be marginalized severely. I’m sure we’ll always keep a place in our heart for her, and I promise to use her whenever I can. Thank you, Successful Comment Lady. Your smiling face has been a joy.
SEEK THIS OUT: The Howie Sandwich @ Artisan Cheese Gallery
The other day, my friend Howie announced that the Artisan Cheese Gallery would be serving his self-created sandwich vision, simply titled “The Howie.” I had no idea what the Artisan Cheese Gallery was, but after some thorough investigation (ie. reading more than the first line of his email), I discovered that it was a neat restaurant / gourmet shop in Studio City that’s been throwing some sort of sandwich making contest on Twitter. Anyway, Howie submitted his concoction (hence “The Howie”), and on Saturday it was featured on the restaurant’s menu to wide acclaim. I unfortunately was not able to partake in the festivities, which was most sad not because I wanted to support a friend, but because the sandwich looked really, really good. How good? Well, it’s roast beef, gorgonzola, and caramelized onions on a ciabatta that’s gone through a panini press. Oh, and it’s served au jus. Needless to say, I was most bummed to have missed it.
However, when Howie revealed via Twitter that the sandwich would be making a return appearance today, I knew I couldn’t let the opportunity pass. I zipped over the hills, met up with Howie and his friend Nick, and headed over to the Artisan Cheese Gallery. The experience was remarkable. I cannot extol the virtues of Howie’s creation widely enough. It was totally delicious, thanks in large part to the Artisan Cheese Gallery, which crafted each sandwich with extremely high quality ingredients. I’m not endorsing this sandwich because Howie made it. I’m endorsing it because it’s just awesome.
And of course pictures after the jump…
Continue reading “SEEK THIS OUT: The Howie Sandwich @ Artisan Cheese Gallery”
ADVENTURES IN DOMESTICITY: Sticky Short Ribs, Celery Root Purée, and Chocolate Tofu Pudding Edition
It’s been a while since I’ve done an Adventure in Domesticity, but I figured that with the debut of The Next Food Network Star last night (starring one of my all-time favorite reality show judges, Susie Fogelson), I owed it to myself and the Food Network to whip up a meal based almost exclusively on their recipes. On the menu: five-spice sticky short ribs (courtesy of Aida Mollenkamp), celery root purée (courtesy of Anne Burrell and a dash of Ina Garten), and a chocolate tofu pudding (courtesy of Food Network foe Mark Bittman). Yes, it was quite the undertaking, but I felt confident I could do it.
So was I able to pull off this endeavor? Or would I be on the receiving end of a classic (read: ICY) Susie Fogelson zinger? Pictures after the jump…
BAD NEWS FOR POLKA FANS: Your Music Is No Longer Award Worthy
I have some troubling news for the Midwest: the Grammys have eliminated the all important Best Polka Album category. Yes, yes, it’s true. Take a moment to let it sink in.
According to the Associated Press, it’s time to put away the accordions because polka is no longer relevant in today’s musical landscape. That’s okay, polka. You’ll always have a friend in me. Where else would I get my daily dose of oompa-loompa music to wake me up every morning?
For more on this grave loss, check out the article here.
THE BASIL CHRONICLES: Chapter 1 — 'Allo Basil!
This past winter, I attempted to grow a lush bounty of parsley, only to have it all die off within three months, the victim of my poor farmer skillz (or perhaps Ikea’s worthless seeds). We’ll never know what exactly went wrong in that lil parsley cup, but I must admit — I was a little scarred by the experience. Could I ever go down such a road again? Invest three months time for something that will be a colossal FAIL?
The answer, of course, is yes.
Recently, I’ve been looking to start the process over — perhaps with not just parsley, but basil and green onions and dill and thyme. The question, however, was whether or not I’d start the plants from scratch or simply buy one that was already in full-swing. I decided that to honor the process, I would start with seeds — because really, there’s no drama in a plant that’s already been grown. However, today at Trader Joe’s, I came across a big ol’ basil plant, and I began to rethink things. For $2.99, I could save myself a few months of work — work that may or may not pay off. The downside would be a loss of a narrative arc (there’s much drama in watching a seed bloom into a plant. Much much). But then I remembered something: this is me we’re talking about. If anyone’s capable of destroying a perfectly healthy plant, it’s this moi. The mere act of keeping this horticultural glory alive will be drama enough to warrant its own serialized column. So I present to you the Basil Chronicles, which will follow this basil plant as it inevitably reaches a slow and painful death at my bumbling hands. OR WILL IT? I guess you’ll just have to keep coming back to find out.
Currently taking bets on how long the plant will last…