While I was out the other night, I came across that most exciting of encounters: a cougar trapping some young, innocent prey into her dangerous clutches. Of course, I did what any good samaritan would do in that situation: I busted out my camera.
Now for those of you who don’t know what a “cougar” is, rest assured that I’m not talking about an actual cougar cat. No, “cougar” is slang for women of a certain age who aggressively target younger men to be their, er, paramour for the evening. It’s a mesmerizing phenomenon, and witnessing the dance of the COUGAR (best said with a deep, low, Will Arnett voice) is an event unto itself.
That being said, no brush with a cougar has ever been as ill-advised as the one I witnessed the other night. I didn’t get many pics, but I got enough. I guarantee you’ll be recoiling. Photos after the jump.
Here’s the cougar, making out with her prey in classic cougar style.
Note the claw: long nails, gaudy jewelry, a cigarette perched just so. The poise is impeccable, expressing the assured confidence that can only come from years of experience. She’s an old pro at this, and if she knows anything, it’s that this boy isn’t getting away.
Meanwhile, a subtle but forceful hand keeps the cougar’s bounty in place, assuring that no one will be fleeing her hungry jaws.
And then there’s the plunging décolletage, coated with glitter to distract from years of unrelenting sun-damage. To some men, this screams “DANGER!” but to those already caught in the cougar’s grasp, it’s simply says “Sure thing.”
Eventually, the cougar pulls back, and we see just how far this poor man has fallen:
BEHOLD, THE COUGAR!
Victory is hers.
Hey, everyone’s entitled to get whatever they can get, and if they succeed, all the power to them. So congratulations, mighty cougar. You have represented your kind well.