HILLS RECAP: The City Is Calling!

Well lookie here! It’s a Hills recap! As some of you noticed, I’ve taken the last two weeks off because a) one week was full of traveling, birthday celebrations, and illness, and b) the second week was full of real world obligations. And since really the only noteworthy thing to happen during that time was the arrival of Spencer’s Nana, I felt it wasn’t such a bad thing to maybe skip an episode or two. I was actually planning on resuming my recaps after tonight’s Pratt nuptials, but a two week gap of recaps is a bit much. Plus, I don’t think I can deal with any more impatient emails such as this short and fussy one I got this morning:
“B-side – Can you please post your two Hills recaps already?”
Actually, after getting that cyber missive, I almost nixed tonight’s impending recap entirely, just to piss the girl off, but then I realized that would be petty. And as we all know, I am anything but petty.
Nevertheless, the recap drought has ended. Please enjoy (and stop sending me angry emails).

First, a mini recap on the show two weeks ago. Lauren and Audrina were still mad at each other, but then they talked about their situation to various sidekicks and family members, and at long last, the girls made amends at a hotel bar where all was forgiven (but perhaps not forgotten). Spencer, meanwhile, became obsessed with his grandmother, imploring Stephanie to visit “Nana” more frequently. What kind of girl doesn’t like visiting her Nana? he asked his sister. It was a question for the ages. And so Spencer orchestrated an awkward Nana visit with him, Heidi, and Steph, and when he wasn’t oozing pure bullshit through that wide smile of his, he was forcing Steph into some sort of sadistic, octogenarian playdate. Steph and Nana eventually enjoyed some time together, and the two promised to go shopping and stuff more often. Things became kind of sad, however, when Steph kept asking Nana why Spencer was her “favorite.” You’d think Nana would say “You’re both my favorite” or “I don’t have a favorite,” but instead, she didn’t really refute the argument, instead saying that she opted not to get to know Spencer very well, otherwise she might not like him. And just like that, the dysfunctional Pratt behavior that we’ve come to know and loathe all made sense. It all traces back to Nana. Way to go!
Now onto this week, er, last week’s show. The fun began at People’s Revolution where pasty overlord Kelly Cutrone was happily overseeing her sweatshop of misery. From her perch on the second floor, I thought she might hurl boogers at her tireless minions down below, but instead, she merely called Whitney up to her inner sanctum to inform her of a job opportunity. Apparently Kelly had run into someone named Alixe from Diane von Furstenberg (DVF, for those in the know), and this person allegedly was looking for someone to do PR in house.
“That made me think of you,” Kelly said, despite the fact that Whitney has done absolutely nothing to indicate she has any experience or expertise with public relations (or “personal relations,” as Janelle from Real World: Key West would call it).
Anyway, without asking, Kelly went ahead and set up an interview for Whit-Whit in New York City (uh, thanks?), after which she congratulated herself by saying “You know, despite how demanding I am, I always kind of think about the people that work for me and where they’re headed.” She then added, “And if I can make their lives a living hell along the way, all the better!”
Kelly then told her, “I don’t want to lose you, but I think you’ve really done a lot for us.” Yes, never before have clothes been hung up so well. And let’s not talk about the way Whitney can handle a clipboard. I’ve never seen such proficiency!
Actually, if you really think about it, this was Kelly’s sly way of basically getting Whitney off her hands without dirtying them at the same time. Yay failing upwards!

“This is what you call ‘Getting rid of you’ in the power bitch world.”

Whitney, of course, was gaga and slack-jawed through this whole scene, somehow shocked that a job opportunity would open in New York (even though she most likely had already signed several contracts with MTV pursuant to their decision to spin off a show centered around her and based in NYC). She told Kelly that she always saw herself in New York (especially after MTV told her that’s where she’d be moving to), and with spunky resolve, she announced, “Then I have to do it!” Damn right you have to do it. I don’t think Viacom’s lawyers will have you do otherwise.
After the credits, we zipped over to Audrina’s house where she and Lauren were hanging out on pleasant terms for the first time since Justin-gate first blew into town. The two babbled aimlessly about Aud’s new house, and eventually, LC asked if she and Justin Bobby were still together. Cue the guilty smile and low self-esteem. Yup, they were together. Awful.

“You’re still with Justin Bobby? Wow, that’s so amazingly sad. Did I mention that he makes me want to kill myself?”

In other news, we learned that Lauren’s parents (and readers of this here blog — everyone say hi to Jim and Kathy) would be moving out of Laguna, which to all MTV reality fans signals an end to an era. Laguna Beach started with the construction of the Conrad’s hilltop manse, and now with its sale, the curtain finally comes down on that seaside community’s moment in the sun. So sad.
Anyway, Lauren revealed that she and Lo would be going down to the OC to pack up her room before the big move. She also mentioned that there really would be no reason for her to go to Laguna anymore. After all, her good friends from there all lived in Los Angeles now — you know, riding Lauren’s coattails and whatnot.
“It’s kind of like growing up,” Audrina stated. Um, no. Not really. Growing up would be like dumping the idiot boyfriend who’s been manipulating you for four years.
Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Stephanie met up with Spencer at local taqueria Pinches Tacos, and unsurprisingly, she was greeted by a surly comment: “What’s with you and always being late?” I think a better question would be “What’s with Spencer always ordering food before other people arrive?” Two wrongs don’t make a right. (Similarly, two patches of fuzz don’t make a beard. PLEASE SHAVE).
Anyway, Steph began complaining about Cameron, the boy she’d been dating earlier in the season. “I thought you already broke up with him,” Spencer said, echoing my sentiments exactly. Turns out Steph and Cameron (or Stameron) had been breaking up and getting back together for quite some time. And what, pray tell, was the biggest problem facing this young couple? Well, turns out she would go to his place, but he wouldn’t go to hers (maybe that’s because she keeps her apartment like a pigpen, but I digress).
“That’s just, like, straight punk,” Spencer said, perhaps forgetting that when it comes to self-centeredness, he’s kind of the straight punkest of them all. Luckily, he had some sound advice for Steph: “Go be a nun. Join, like, a nun’s thing.” Man, Shakespeare has nothing on this guy. Screw “Get thee to a nunnery.” Could you even imagine Hamlet rewritten by Spencer?

Hamlet:
I did love you once.
Ophelia:
Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so.
Hamlet:
You should not have believ’d me, for virtue cannot so
inoculate our old stock but we shall relish of it. I lov’d you not.
Ophelia:
I was the more deceiv’d.
Hamlet:
Go be a nun. Join, like, a nun’s thing.

Of course, the play wouldn’t be called Hamlet. It would be called Joker. They should just call it JOKER.
Nevertheless, when Spencer wasn’t recommending a life lived at a “nun’s thing,” he was belittling Steph’s relationship with Cameron. “Do you know how immature and stupid this relationship sounds from an outside perspective?” he asked. Yes, he was right. All the breaking up and getting back together and the mind games and the self-centeredness. It was like… Spencer and Heidi.

“Hey Spencer, check out my impersonation of a folding chair.”

But enough about them. Over at People’s Revolution, Whitney told Lauren about the whole DVF interview, causing LC to reel in shock. Even more shocking was that Whitney would be leaving for NYC tomorrow and returning the very next day. Apparently Kelly needed her back right away. Hey, somebody’s gotta hang up the clothes and write blank Post-Its.
Lauren, of course, immediately asked Whit about Jay, the gross Aussie bloke they met on their last NYC trip. Whitney just HAD to see him! Whit-Whit agreed, causing Lauren to happily chirp, “Dream boy, dream job!” Um, more like “Greasy boy, dream job,” but yeah, we got the point.
After the break, the action moved to just ’round the corner from the B-Side Blog offices as we headed into Falcon, a lovely establishment where I enjoyed my 28th birthday celebration (J-Unit and IndianJones later shared a 29th fête there as well). Anyway, Stameron showed up for dinner with Speidi, and as you can imagine, it was all sorts of awkward as Spencer attempted to sarcastically get under Cameron’s skin. As usual, Stephanie spent most of the meal bleating out “SPENCER” to silence her brother, but it didn’t really work. The fuzzy one happily told his sister, “Last I heard, he was making you cry; so obviously things have changed.” I didn’t know Cameron was making Steph cry, and furthermore, are we supposed to forget how Spencer has made Heidi cry (and lose her friends and job and respectability — however little she had)?
Well, an unfazed Cameron announced “We’re gonna try things out again. Start over.” Ah. Okay. Well, sounds like fun. We’ll check back in on them later.
Meanwhile, down in Laguna, Lauren and Lo pulled up to the Conrad Compound, home to so many memories — both televised and real. Yes, I’m proud to say that I was one of the lucky few to have been invited into Casa Conrad (along with J-Unit and IndianJones), and in case you never read my post about it, I can just tell you that the place is beautiful. The kitchen alone… GLORIOUS. Okay, I’m sounding a bit geeky and lame right now; so let’s just move on.
Anyway, we soon found Kathy and Jim Conrad packing up stuff in the aforementioned kitchen. They explained that with two of their kids out of the house and a third about to go off to college, it was silly of them to have such a big house for just them. I guess they had a point. But if living in that house is silly, I wouldn’t ever want to be serious.
Well, Jim thanked Lo for helping out, to which Lo replied, “You’re welcome! I love to pack!” No shock there. Packing and watching their Masters pack is a sidekick’s #1 responsibility. Of course Lo loves it.
“You’re a good friend, Lo,” Kathy said. I’m shocked Lo didn’t roll her eyes and say, “Well, obviously. Have you even SEEN Lauren’s other friends? Audrina? Heidi? I mean, seriously. Seriously.”
We then headed to the other side of the country as Whitney arrived at the Diane von Furstenberg offices, made famous by American Express (not to mention Project Runway). Wh-wh-wh-Whitney took a seat in the w-w-w-waiting area, and as generic, fake-Akon public domain music played (I think I heard it on Top Model once), anticipation built. Could Whitney really hack it in NYC? Would she fit in at DVF? And would her mother send her treats from their Bavarian Candy Shoppe home? Seems like we’ll have quite a bit to look forward to in The City!

“This place could really use more blank Post-Its.”

Anyway, some pretty girl named Elizabeth brought Whitney upstairs, and soon, she was face to face with her soon-to-be boss, Alixe Boyer. Suave, sophisticated, sharp, and with a hint of a fake British accent, I could tell I’d like Alixe immediately. Poor woman, though. She probably hated this. Somewhere, Lisa Love is cackling with glee (she’s also probably calling up her friend Aimée on the Côte d’Azur to gab about this wonderful new boulangerie she recently discovered, but I digress).
Well, Alixe started the interview by saying, “I’d love to hear from you what you’ve been doing.” Yeah, that makes two of us. In her classic sing-songy voice, Whitney explained that she helped out with a Sass & Bide fashion show, specifically assisting with casting and styling. You know, perfect skill sets for PUBLIC RELATIONS.
Nevertheless, this charade of a job interview continued on without incident, with Whitney ultimately declaring that she wanted to “come to the city.” She then added, “And that’s coincidentally the name of my new show: The City, premiering on December 29th at 10 PM only on MTV!!!!”
We then went to commercial again, during which I resisted the temptation to jab letter openers in my ears so as to never hear those awful After Show hosts again. When we returned, we found ourselves in Stephanie’s apartment, which as usual was a total mess. I mean, did a band of nomads recently come through? Anyway, a shiny and jittery Cameron showed up at the door (aha! He came to her place! He’s changed!), and after he sat down, Steph stated, “I think we know that this isn’t working.” Huh? What? Where did that come from? I thought they were starting over!! HE CAME TO YOUR APARTMENT — ISN’T THAT ALL YOU WANTED???
For his part, Cam said he wanted to compromise and work things out, but that just left me even more confused. Compromise? Over what? What the hell happened?
Steph then sighed, “I don’t know how it got so bad.” Neither do I. I mean, literally. I don’t know HOW it got so bad. Are we missing some scenes here?
Nevertheless, Steph continued: “Where I am right now is, I deserve better than this.” Better than WHAT? It’s like these two had a beginning and an end, but no middle. Oh well. They broke up; so that was the end of that. Good riddance.

“I want to forget you or forgive you. No, wait, how did Lauren say it again?”

Speaking of goodbyes, down in Laguna, Lo and Lauren were busy poring over old diaries and documents. None of the room, I should note, was remotely packed.
“I never had a diary,” Lo said, adding, “I wasn’t pathetic like that.” Okay, she didn’t say that. (But you know she was thinking it.)
Anyway, Lauren read some amusing docs from yesteryear (a.k.a. like five years ago, but she made it sound like she was seven years old). In one diary entry, Lauren talked about leaving her first house and sharing a kiss with Stephen (aha! Confirmation!). LC also revealed her first cell phone, which was hilariously gigantic (by current standards). However, most charming/funny was a will that Lauren had written, in which she expressed a specific desire to be buried in her homecoming dress with her crown on her coffin. Laughter had by all. Lauren then snapped at Lo, “These orders still stand.”

Is it me, or do those not look like Lo’s real feet? Like, her real ones are hidden in the bed.

Okay, LC didn’t do that, but she did let Lo read the will for herself. Well, at least the front of it. Lauren grabbed it back before Lo could read the second side. Luckily, I have obtained this exclusive copy of the will. Here’s what it said:

Anyway, the girls reminisced on the house, and all the fun times they’d had in it, and then they stepped outside and looked out over the neighborhood and ocean and continued to wax nostalgic. Now it was time to make new memories up in Los Angeles — or at least, erase some of the old ones, especially since they mostly consist of Brody complaining about Lauren’s pool not being heated.
After having gazed out upon the world for long enough, the girls decided to get back into the car and head up north. Never mind that Lauren’s room wasn’t even remotely packed. I was instantly reminded of Audrina’s move when Lauren placed one platter into a box and called it a day. I think it’s safe to say that LC and packing simply don’t mesh.
Over in New York, the cameras settled on a ratty bum dressed like a grunge reject from 1994. Turns out it was Aussie Jay loitering outside the DVF offices, perhaps ready to serenade Whitney with his new song, “You Are My Vegemite, OY!” As Spencer would say, they should just call him The Serenader. The Serenader. Oh wait, they already do. We all win!
Anyway, Whitney soon emerged from the building, and the two began babbling away about nothing particularly interesting. They didn’t even seem to be properly communicating as they kept talking over each other and asking each other to repeat what they’d just said. Honestly, I don’t think Whitney could even understand half the words Jay slurred out. She should just be lucky that Alixe didn’t spy the lovebirds and instantly rescind the job offer upon the realization that Whitney fraternized with the local vagrant.

“It’s good to see you again, Whitney. Spare some change?”

At one point, the two attempted some sort of gestures of physical intimacy by placing their hands on each other’s collarbones, but the whole thing wound up looking like some strange middle-school dance. I hate them together. Finally, Whitney caught a cab (with a curiously outdated Death Race ad atop it. Timeline issues? Hmmmm…), and the two lovebirds exchanged a kiss and a hug before she drove off to the airport and back to the grimy world of People’s Revolution. Ugh.

“I haven’t showered in foive weeks! All the Sheilas love it, OY!”

What did you think about this episode?