TOP CHEF PHOTOCAP: All About Gail

“I’ll show Padma who’s Padma.”

This was the episode of Top Chef, or as I like to call it, The Pad ‘n’ Gail Show that I’d been waiting for: a whole competition based on GAIL. And even better, it was supersized! Would Gail have it any other way?
Yes, our dear friend Gail Simmons is getting married, and in her honor, the producers threw her a bridal shower. As such, the chefs were split into four teams — “old,” “new,” “borrowed,” “blue.” Get it? Well, just in case you didn’t, Ariane was sure to explain that it was a play on the old bridal phrase — something she was familiar with since she was once married. Not sure if you have to be hitched to know the phrase, but I digress. Ariane, I should note, has risen from the ashes like a mighty phoenix, going on to win two elimination challenges in a row. I’m happy for her redemption, especially because her mannerisms entertain me endlessly.
Not entertaining me is Jamie, who spent half the episode complaining about Stefan’s cockiness while at the same time declaring that she utterly deserved to win practically every competition on Earth at that moment. I bet she scorned Michael Phelps for depriving her of Olympic glory. Yeah, Stefan is cocky, but at least he owns up to it. Jamie is just bitter (her puree, however, did look quite amazing).
As for the losing team, man, that was flawed from the get-go. We knew there’d be conceptual misfires when Danny oddly suggested pickling the entire meal. I’m not sure how an aging process could possibly connote the assigned theme of “new,” but Danny was hellbent on it. Of course, he’s hellbent on a lot of misguided things: sneaking mushrooms into someone else’s dish, smiling like a goofball, shaving his beard in that awful, awful way. Danny doesn’t deserve all the credit for the loss though. Eugene’s ideas were fairly terrible too. Filet mignon on sushi? No. Don’t even. But then it got worse: he wanted people to put together their own sushi? OH HELL TO THE NO. Sure, it’s a new idea, but it’s also quite horrendous. Who wants to put together their own roll? I hate putting together my own stuff. I always do it wrong and make a mess. What’s shocking is the way Danny and Carla jumped at the idea. Danny, okay, he’s an idiot. No big surprise there. But Carla? She seems pretty smart, and she seems to have a good eye for these sort of things. Her lapse in judgment was pretty eye-opening for me. Of course, no one was angrier than Big Tom, who said he wished he could eliminate all three of them. Ouch. Somebody’s feisty.
Nevertheless, onto the photocap…

Padma: “Ladies, please take a seat wherever you’d like. Just note that the reinforced chair with six legs is for Gail.”

“Wow, this is great! Padma’s not staying, is she?”

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to welcome my dear friend, Gail Simmons. Now, quick, somebody get her some Milk Duds before she passes out!”

“Gail, it’s so great that you’re getting married. This way you don’t have to compete with people like Padma anymore. And let’s face it, we all know who wins that battle.”

“Fabio, I’m touching your neck. Do you like it?”

“Everyone, cheers to Gail! We never thought this day would come, bless her heart!”

“Gail, since this is your day, we had the chefs prepare you three servings. You can thank us later.”

“I’d like to thank you all for coming today. You gals are the best ladies a girl like me can wish for as friends. And Padma, you’re nice too.”

“Here you go, Padma. Please enjoy this Dildo specialty.”

“I bet you didn’t know this, but I put shiitake mushrooms under this bandana. It’s what Barry Sanders would do.”

“I miss Padma.”

“You want a conceptually awful dish with poor execution? Thumbs up to that!”

“Aw, Tom. Look at Gail. She wants dessert. Isn’t that cute?”

“You know, Gail, I really like your friend Padma. You never told me you knew pretty people!”

“I just love a festive bridal shower! It reminds me of when I was married to the award-winning and world renowned author Salmon Rushdie. Gail, what does your fiancé do again? Something about fishtank cleaning?”