ADVENTURES IN FOLKSY AUTUMNAL ACTIVITIES: Bloggers of the Corn Edition

If this blog seemed particularly quiet on Friday, it’s because I spent half that day getting in touch with my inner farmer. That’s right, in a shocking departure from my usual urban adventures, I headed north to the San Fernando Valley and visited Forneris Farms, a random outpost in Mission Hills, CA that’s home to a pumpkin patch, a market, and most importantly, a corn maze. The experience was aggressively wholesome, and even better, there was not a single child in sight. Actually, there was one kid, but she was cute and relegated to the safe environs of an inflatable bouncy pumpkin.
The motivation for this trip actually stemmed from a strange mixture of childhood yearnings, pop culture wish fulfillment, and general boredom. You see, ever since I was a kid, I’ve been obsessed with mazes. I always dreamed of going to a hedge maze, and while I’ve been to some, they’ve always tended to be quaint things that are less about a challenge and more about good gardening. In recent years, my friend Meeshie and I have tried in vain to go to various corn mazes, but scheduling tended to always get in the way. The one time we did manage to get ourselves over to a maze, we were shocked to find that it didn’t even exist. We were confronted with nothing but an empty field. It was horrifying.
Recently, news popped up of a David Archuleta corn maze in Utah. It seemed like the perfect opportunity. I could fulfill my corn maze fantasies, indulge in some kitschy pop culture, and get a beautiful road trip out of it to boot. Unfortunately, I had no one to go with me. The only person who was interested in such an adventure was Jash, and since he actually has a real life job, he couldn’t just traipse up north at the drop of a hat. Sadly, this perfect union of American Idol and corn would not be happening, but I still had the maize on the mind. After doing some research, I discovered that we had a corn maze right here in the Los Angeles area. I called up my friend Sawgee and convinced him to join me as I finally embarked on my very first corn maze experience.
Photos of this adventure, including our disorienting journey through the corn maze, after the jump…

‘Twas a beautiful fall day at Forneris Farms: sunny, mid-70s, no children in sight. This was gonna be fun.

Glorious Mission Hills, CA.

Despite my aversion to strawberries, I still pressed onwards — ominous flags be damned.

I found Max the Pumpkin to be somewhat cold with his expressionless face. I also refused to guess his weight as that seemed to only feed his obvious body issues.

Oooh… artsy pumpkin patch.

There were pumpkins aplenty at Forneris Farms.

Everywhere we went, there were pumpkins. It was like alright, we GET IT.

Me with some pumpkins.

Eventually I was won over by the charm.

That guy is the farmer who grows all these gourds (as well as the maze).

Wait… not ready for my close-up yet.

Ah, there’s the money shot.

Sawgee and I pose with scarecrow versions of Barack Obama and John McCain. It was a very political corn maze.

And so the adventure begins.

Oooooh. Our first dilemma.

We were actually given guides. I wanted to go in blind, wishing to test my survival skills, but Sawgee insisted that we follow the map. Probably a smart decision as the labyrinth became extremely puzzling at times.

Me. Corn maze.

Here’s something we didn’t quite realize going into the maze: those damn husks are everywhere. It’s a constant barrage of getting slapped in the face. Even with your hands up, they somehow get you. It was like being in a jungle. A really folksy jungle.

Oooooh. Corn in the wild!

Our first dead end. Even though we saw it on the map, we still checked the route because hidden in the maze were several riddles, and solving each one would put us in the running for a raffle. This was very important to us.

As you can see, the stalks towered over us like menacing beasts.

Sawgee becomes overwhelmed with a sudden bout of corn fever.

As the hot desert sun pounds down on us, we realize that we may be lost.

DAMN THESE INFERNAL DEAD ENDS!

Somebody lost their map. Not a promising fate.

So this is kind of effed up. This part of the maze — the “Vote” — did NOT correspond with the map. In fact, the “E” was completely missing. We were so confused. We came upon the “O” first and had no idea what was going on. We spent ten minutes backtracking, making sure we didn’t miss any riddles. Later, when we confronted the farmer about this, he admitted that he had screwed up and that we were the only ones who had noticed. Can’t pull a fast one like that on us…

Here’s one of the aforementioned clues. A “cornundrum,” if you will.

Can you guess what it means?

Me amidst the corn.

Me getting slapped in the face by a husk. A common occurrence.

Power lines and whatnot.

Not everyone emerges from the corn maze alive…

…But I did. Victory!

Our total time: one hour and ten minutes exactly. We probably could have been faster, but again, we spent a good amount of time looking for clues.

I was really hoping our exit would be met with some sort of elaborate fanfare, but all we got was this coincidental tractor-train drive-by.

Back to the pumpkins.

Isn’t this quaint?

Of course, I bought some corn.

My bounty.

And now the epilogue:

I brought the corn over to IndianJones’s place where he, J-Unit, and I devoured it.

We had to cut the corn in half to fit in IndianJones’s tiny cauldron.

It was amazingly delicious.

If you would like to plan a trip to Forneris Farms, visit their website, fornerisfarms.com.