EXCLUSIVE: Inside the Fox Reality Channel "Really" Awards

I’ve had quite the run of exclusive experiences of late: a meet and greet with Julie Chen, a visit to The Soup, a stroll through the Gossip Girl set, and of course, back to back infiltrations of the Big Brother finale and wrap party. Am I bragging? Indeed. (Somebody’s gotta drum up traffic around here). With all this access to the glitteratti, I’m starting to feel like Perez Hilton (except funnier, I hope); so why not add one more event to the list: the Fox Reality Channel “Really” Awards.
Avid readers may remember that I attended the first ever Really Awards two years ago at Les Deux. Back then, it was a smaller, more casual affair. The network was young, the stars didn’t know what to expect, and in my studly prime I was able to actually walk the red carpet. Man, those were the days. Cut to this year and holy moly, the Really Awards have gotten big. According to the brass I spoke with, there were about 300 celebrities (or rather, “celebrities”) present, which meant my anonymous ass did not get to walk the carpet again, which by the way was totally cool. I completely understood. It was a zoo, and the last thing the organizers needed was me clogging up the carpet. Honestly, I was just happy to get in. This year’s ceremony was apparently a hard ticket to get. Rumor amongst the partygoers was that even recent reality stars like Jessie from Big Brother 10 were denied entry. Ouch/haha.
Nevertheless, I may not have dazzled the paps awkwardly this go-around, but I certainly had my fill of reality stars. I took pictures with as many as I could, but honestly, there’s only so much one man can do. Pictures and stories after the jump.

I have to say, my first twenty minutes at the show were incredibly awkward. The event took place at The Avalon in Hollywood (or perhaps it’s just “Avalon” — I don’t really know), and despite me having lived here for over seven years, I’d never ventured into this venerable institution. When I arrived, I got my nifty wristband, which gave me entry, but I was strictly prohibited from food and drink (hey, sometimes you gotta make a few sacrifices to get in. And let me reiterate I was very, very appreciative for those who pulled the strings to get me in — you know who you are).
Anyway, with a mounting hunger and a suddenly parched throat, I felt like I were in my own unique version of Survivor, except instead of being stranded on an island, I was adrift in a sea of reality stars. Yes, there were oodles of reality stars lined up for the red carpet. I have to admit I didn’t recognize a good chunk of them because they mostly seemed to hail from those VH1 Flavor of Love spin-offs and whatnot. Basically, everyone looked like a porn star. And yes, there were actual porn stars present too.
Well, since my only recent reality star experience stems from a series of blurry cameos in the Big Brother audience this summer, I used the regular entrance, which was fine except once I walked into the place, I had absolutely no idea what to do. I found my friend Patty, who worked in wardrobe, and I pretty much assaulted her with questions: “Where should I go? Where should I stand?” She guided me around, but I still felt at a loss, and even worse, it was kind of hot and humid out, which meant the first beads of sweat were appearing on my head. I was also especially nervous because I’d been explicitly told not to loiter on the first floor as that was where the celebrities would be. And yet, the only place that seemed logical for me to loiter was the first floor. WHAT WAS I TO DO??
I did what I normally do in these sort of bizarre situations: I paced around, never staying in one place too long. In my walks back and forth from outside to inside and back again, I encountered Johnny Fairplay and Danny Bonaduce, and yet somehow I resisted the urge to throw up in my mouth. I also crossed paths with Vivica A. Fox, which was a small pleasure. Funny story: four years ago, I went to a restaurant in Beverly Hills with my boss, and the next table over Vivica A. Fox was celebrating her birthday. Oh, but here’s the downer part: on the other side of us were Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker. Too soon?
Anyway, after an excruciating amount of time ambling about alone, I discovered that upstairs was a lounge — the fabled Spider Club! Aha! I trekked up the stairs, and behold! I found my loitering goldmine. Turns out that everyone who came off the red carpet immediately headed into the club (as the seating area for the awards show was not open yet). Here I could intermingle with reality TV’s best and brightest and not feel like I was about to get kicked out of the building. Huzzah!
Even better, I ran into some familiar faces. I spent the majority of the evening talking with Erika Landin of Big Brother, her affianced, Adam Gentry of Survivor, Erin Murphy of Bewitched (and the upcoming Celebrity Wrestling), and Michael Schneider of Variety and Franklin Avenue. I felt at home. My only problem was that for the first ten minutes, I had a major flop sweat issue. It was hot in that club, and it was getting hotter by the minute. Luckily, I eventually found a cocktail napkin and used it to sop up my bodily fluids, but prior to that, I was a mess, which was very unfortunate because it was at the peak of my perspiration that I met Jeff Lewis of Flipping Out, and if there’s anyone who would have disdain for my sweat, it’s Bravo’s most famously OCD star. Oh well.
Anyway, there really weren’t too many stories beyond that. Here are the photos…

Is that a drag queen holding sway on the red carpet? Nope. Just Jillian Barberie.

Glamour! Excitement! Faux-hawks!

The line of reality stars waiting to get onto the red carpet. The tall guy with the hat is Mikey from Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites. To his right is Todd, winner of Survivor: China, and the vibrantly pink mane in between them? None other than Vyxin from The Amazing Race. Sadly, you can’t see Kynt by her side. He was wearing a tutu. I was really hoping he’d yell, “Stop this red carpet! VYXIN, stop this red carpet right now!”

Me, Erika, and Adam. Erika looked beautiful as always. Adam was a total asshole (no, he wasn’t, but I told him I’d say that.)

Reality star crossover! The Flipping Out crew with me, Erika, and Adam. I actually really enjoyed talking to Jeff, Ryan, and Jenni. They seemed like they had heads on their shoulders. And I, of course, seemed like a stalker with a camera.

Well, if it ain’t Hugh Hefner and his harem of ladies: Holly, Kendra, and the other one. As a bonus, there’s Jenna Jameson in the foreground. I immediately bolted after taking the pic, lest Tito Ortiz appear out of nowhere and punch me in the face.

CORRECTION: Apparently that’s Kendra in the foreground (I thought she was in the background in the blue). No Jenna Jameson sighting. All my panic for nothing!

Nigel Lythgoe.

Erin Murphy and her husband. She happily helped me stalk reality stars throughout the room.

Me with Travis and his dog, Presley. We tried to get Presley to look at the camera, but, well, you can see what happened there. GREATEST AMERICAN DOG MY ASS!

Awww… okay, he IS America’s Greatest Dog!

So cute. I feel bad that my flash gave him demon eyes.

Me with Cindy from The Brady Bunch! Erin Murphy used the child star connections to snag me this pic.

Me with that guy from Dog: The Bounty Hunter

Me with Dog and wife of Dog! No racial epithets were hurled.

Here’s Andrei from America’s Most Smartest Model. I think he sucked in his cheeks for the photo. His co-star Jeff Pickel was around, but I didn’t take any pics of him.

Boobs.

Erin and I with Michael O’Hearn, a.k.a. Titan from American Gladiators. Large would be an understatement; although you can’t really tell from this photo. Nevertheless, when we took the picture, our hands were behind his back, and I swear, his lumbar felt like a tree trunk.

Todd and Pei Gei from Survivor: China. I think I scared them with the way I gushed about their season. Later, I wound up in a line with Todd, and it was awkward because we didn’t say anything to each other, but we both clearly had just spoken five minutes prior. It was uncomfortable.

Man, I actually feel bad for Jessie from Big Brother 10. He got rejected from a party that Kato Kaelin got into…

Here’s one of the highlights of the night: scoring a picture with Quinn (a.k.a. COUGAR) and Jeana from The Real Housewives of Orange County. Afterwards, Jeana asked me my name and then asked if I was having fun. I said yes, I was having a blast, to which she replied, “WHERE’S HEF?” I pointed to the corner, and she literally just walked away. It was so bizarre, so wonderful.

This is a banged up Jason a.k.a. Heat from I Love New York. We actually did a roundtable segment together on Fox Reality last year, and he turned out to be remarkably friendly. And for those wondering about his injuries, he apparently got wasted last night and fell flat on his face. That’s right: I have all the essential gossip.

The stage.

That blur is Perez Hilton. I should’ve drawn a little white penis on the picture. Because, you know, that’s clever and funny.

The upper-level balcony.

The stage again!

Erika and Adam with Real and Chance from I Love New York

Alas, the waning moments of the red carpet…

And the host of Reality Binge, which you should watch since I know a bunch of people working on it.

And that’s about it. There were several other people I didn’t get to photograph: Corey Feldman, Mary Carey, Jeff Conaway (who was hunched over, slurring, and walking with a cane), Slade (from Date My Ex — he looked remarkably like Hugh Laurie in person), and umpteen Flavor of Love girls. No big deal though. Oh, and also Ms. J Alexander of America’s Next Top Model. I specifically didn’t take a picture with him because I didn’t want to support the notion that I was a fan of his AWFUL sense of humor (seriously, did anyone see this week’s ANTM. I didn’t know one man could make so many awful jokes and puns.) Nevertheless, I got the stars I wanted to see, and I can go to sleep knowing that my remarkably lame aspirations have been fulfilled — at least for now.
Oh, and as for the show, you’ll just have to wait and see how that turns out when it airs sometime next month (I believe).