In honor of last night’s Project Runway, which introduced America to the sassy yet demanding ways of drag queen Hedda Lettuce, I’ve decided to post this similarly bizarre ode to leafy greens: a license plate that says “I &hearts CHARD.” Now, I’m sure we all love Swiss chard as much as the next person, but going so far as to immortalize your adoration in license plate form truly represents a passion above and beyond what the casual kale or escarole enthusiast would be able to muster. I’ve truthfully never encountered someone with such a rabid obsession with chard, but hey, I’m not going to turn my nose up at it  even though it is bat-sh*t crazy. Everyone’s allowed to embrace the leafy green of their choice. In fact, I’d like to see more license plates boasting unfettered love for salad ingredients, if only to see how “dandelion greens” condenses down to an appropriate, DMV-approved length.
Of course, there is an outside chance that the “CHARD” in this license plate is merely an abbreviation of “Chardonnay,” but even if that were the case, you can’t abbreviate something into another word and expect people to interpret it correctly. It reminds me of an old Empty Nest episode when Charlie bought personalized license plates that were to announce his love of the sea. However, since “Sea Lover” was too long to fit on the plate, he reduced the “sea” down to “c,” thus giving him “CLOVER.” When I was a kid, I thought that was the funniest thing ever, but to this day, no one ever laughs when I try to explain it. Nevertheless, it’s an appropriate story to tell because if “CHARD” is really supposed to stand for “Chardonnay,” well, then that’s just like putting up “CLOVER” when you want to say “Sea Lover.” Stupid driver.