EXCLUSIVE: Lynne Spears's Manuscript Leaked to the Internet

Dedicated to my lovely daughters Britney and Jamie Lynn, the lights of my life. Without them, I wouldn’t have famous daughters.

I always knew my daughter Britney was destined to be a star. From the very moment she was conceived, I had one of those maternal instincts — those indescribable experiences that every woman and mother and red-blooded American can simply feel. I knew at that moment that inside my womb was my miracle baby. I was so overcome with emotion that I began to shiver uncontrollably. Even with my lover’s warm body enveloping mine, the icy finger of destiny had touched my soul, leaving me cold and disoriented. The paramedics later said it was the Slurpee Machine I had been pressed up against, but I didn’t believe their cynical explanations. There was magic between me and Britney’s father (I believe his name was Rolando. Or Gary), and as I was carted out of that 7-Eleven, I knew I was destined to a life greater than my partially completed ITT Technical Institute degree could ever promise.

And that’s when I realized that if Britney auditioned for Disney and became famous, I could become famous too! Still, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to push my daughter into Hollywood. I’d heard so many stories on Oprah about how child stars couldn’t deal with the pressure and later melted down in adult-life. I didn’t want that for my daughter. She was beautiful and charming and talented, and I didn’t want that to go to waste just because I had an unfulfilled dream of being a star. But then the casting director called and said we’d get free Skittles for a week. Who was I to turn that down?

I remember watching Britney walking around with that snake on her shoulders and this little girl came up to me and called me “Mom.” I laughed — poor child. She didn’t even know where her Momma was. I asked her if she needed help, but she just tugged at my hand and said, “No, you’re my Mommy.” I laughed again. “I’m not your Mommy. I only have one daughter, and she’s on stage right now with a snake and my dreams.”

But then, bless this girl, she pulled out a birth certificate and said, “No, LOOK. My name is Jamie Lynn. I’m your daughter. It says so right here!” Well, you could have knocked me over with a cheese doodle. I had completely forgotten about this girl. Turns out I had had her like eight years ago, but since she wasn’t famous, I had just not even realized she was there. That’s the thing with being a stage mother. It’s so easy to forget things! Ever since that day, I keep a picture of Jamie Lynn in my wallet, and just in case I forget who she is again, I have a little message on the back that says, “The one who’s not famous.”

I decided the best way for Britney to learn how to be a mother would be to let her figure everything out on her own. It’s like the way momma birds push their baby birds out of the nest. I was the momma bird, Britney was the baby bird, and Sean Preston was the baby bird’s baby that rides on its momma’s back, which is something birds do. Anyway, Britney had to learn motherhood for herself. That’s why when she drove with her babies on her lap, I didn’t say anything. What good would it have done if I had spoken up? It wouldn’t have done anything. And that’s why I do nothing. I do nothing all the time. It’s the secret to being a good mother.

Well, one day I was flipping through the channels, and there on Nickelodeon was Jamie Lynn! I recognized her from that picture in my wallet. I was so excited. Turns out she was famous — like Britney! Apparently, from what I’ve been told, I had spent years shopping her around to casting directors and talent agents. Looks like it had paid off! Did somebody say mother of the year? My t-shirt did! (I made it myself with Elmer’s glue, felt, and glitter — which is delish on salad with Fronions, but I’ll get into that in my forthcoming cookbook).

Anyway, I was so excited about seeing Jamie Lynn on TV that I went into her room (I always thought it was the den, ha!) to tell her that she was famous, but she wasn’t even there. Turns out she’d been living with her boyfriend. And she was pregnant! Who knew? I’m so proud of her: she’s already famous and with child, AND, I might add, she looks just precious in her new learner’s permit photo. The future is so bright for our little clan!