As has been widely reported, Christian book publisher Thomas Nelson Inc. has announced that in the wake of the Jamie Lynn teen pregnancy scandal, it is indefinitely delaying the publication of Lynne Spears’s first book, a memoir that details the highs and lows of raising a family in the spotlight.
Of course, thanks to the wonders of the Internets, we here at B-Side Blog have obtained an exclusive copy of the manuscript in all its much-hyped glory. Excerpts after the jump…
Dedicated to my lovely daughters Britney and Jamie Lynn, the lights of my life. Without them, I wouldn’t have famous daughters.
I always knew my daughter Britney was destined to be a star. From the very moment she was conceived, I had one of those maternal instincts — those indescribable experiences that every woman and mother and red-blooded American can simply feel. I knew at that moment that inside my womb was my miracle baby. I was so overcome with emotion that I began to shiver uncontrollably. Even with my lover’s warm body enveloping mine, the icy finger of destiny had touched my soul, leaving me cold and disoriented. The paramedics later said it was the Slurpee Machine I had been pressed up against, but I didn’t believe their cynical explanations. There was magic between me and Britney’s father (I believe his name was Rolando. Or Gary), and as I was carted out of that 7-Eleven, I knew I was destined to a life greater than my partially completed ITT Technical Institute degree could ever promise.
But then, bless this girl, she pulled out a birth certificate and said, “No, LOOK. My name is Jamie Lynn. I’m your daughter. It says so right here!” Well, you could have knocked me over with a cheese doodle. I had completely forgotten about this girl. Turns out I had had her like eight years ago, but since she wasn’t famous, I had just not even realized she was there. That’s the thing with being a stage mother. It’s so easy to forget things! Ever since that day, I keep a picture of Jamie Lynn in my wallet, and just in case I forget who she is again, I have a little message on the back that says, “The one who’s not famous.”
Anyway, I was so excited about seeing Jamie Lynn on TV that I went into her room (I always thought it was the den, ha!) to tell her that she was famous, but she wasn’t even there. Turns out she’d been living with her boyfriend. And she was pregnant! Who knew? I’m so proud of her: she’s already famous and with child, AND, I might add, she looks just precious in her new learner’s permit photo. The future is so bright for our little clan!