How To Scare Away A Man With Your Blog

As is often the case in my life, I found myself in a Google wormhole the other day, and somehow I wound up on an inane little blog called “K’s Corner,” a curious little site with only one entry and lots of silliness. To some people, K’s Corner will be the most adorable thing they’ve ever seen. To others, it represents every single thing we hate about overly public lovebirds. You be the judge.

K’s Corner is written by a smiling woman named Katrina who enjoys The Bible, Top Gun, and, of course, “almost ALL water sports.” (Major LOLs for anyone who knows about the x-rated definition of “water sports.” Spoiler alert: it involves pee-pee and sex.) Anyhoo, from what we can tell, Katrina is the kind of gal who likes to sit back with a marg and talk about “Ocean’s” (the film franchise, not the geological feature), but if she truly had her druthers, she’d chat your ear off about one thing and one thing only: HER BABY.

No, K hasn’t spawned — at least, not as far as we can tell.

K’s baby is in fact the anonymous man on her blog she’s seen draped over happily. K loves this baby, and she’s not afraid to say so. In fact, on the sidebar, she features an entire list of things she loves about her baby. Thoughtful observations include his eyes, his generosity, and the way he makes her laugh. K also reports that she loves that “we’re madly in love with each other” and “that we’re so attracted to one another.” These items read less like truths and more like reminders (as in, don’t forget that you love me and should come visit me and talk to me on the phone). Or perhaps these bullet points are just passive-aggressive messages to Baby’s previous lovers, which would make sense given K’s quietly territorial declaration that “I’m your first real love.” Clearly this was her way of exerting dominance over women of yore — a not so subtle way of saying “MINE.”

Yes, to hear Katrina’s take, one would assume these two are in love. But are they really? We know K is in love with BABY, but I’m not sure BABY likes being put in that corner. The simple truth is that this BABY fellow never bothered to write a simple “Thanks!” or “Love you too!” anywhere on the site, which hardly seems very loving. Plus, one can’t help but notice the box o’ desperation on the upper-right hand corner that’s titled “Miss You! Come See Me Soon!” If that weren’t needy enough, the box itself contains links to American Airlines, cheaptickets.com, and Delta Airlines. Clearly this is her way of saying “Ahem, you have no excuses now,” which perhaps does not signal the healthiest of love affairs. In fact, clearly Señor Baby is avoiding K’s Corner. Why else would she be so desperately dropping hints? Did I say hints? I mean full-fledged cyber billboards. Poor Katrina seems to be about 5 milliseconds away from reporting herself missing just so Baby can see her face on a milk carton.

This of course makes one wonder why she doesn’t simply use those helpful links and fly herself to whichever corner of the world Baby is hiding out in. I can only imagine that perhaps she had done this once or twice (or thirty-five times) — at least to the point where he told her, “Don’t call me. I’ll call you.” Why else would she be fishing so hard?

And fish hard she does. Below the list of things Katrina loves about her baby is a slideshow devoted to sunsets (doesn’t really indicate anything — I just think it’s cheesy, random, and hilarious), and below that is a poll — you know, to inspire interactivity amongst the legions of Baby fans. Anyway, considering how sticky-sweet the whole site is, the poll takes a jarring turn by asking the question: “Phone Sex Is…”

WHOA. K’s Corner just got REAL.

Well, the poll options are:

A) AWESOME! [no bias there]
B) A little weird, but I’m interested in trying it
C) Disgusting – wouldn’t try it in a million years.

You might be surprised to learn that after receiving 100% of the vote with all ONE vote accounted for, option A has won (sorry folks, the poll is now closed).

Now, I don’t know who partook in this survey, but I can’t help but suspect that it might have been Katrina. So clearly she likes phone sex, and I’m just going to surmise that perhaps she’s not getting enough of it from Baby. Is this possibly her passive-aggressive way to pressure him into it? Circumstantial evidence would indicate yes.

So to review (based on very scant / nonexistent evidence): Baby’s not visiting Katrina, and he won’t get dirty on the phone.

This does not bode well for Katrina and her lovelorn heart. It might also explain why this blog only features one post. That’s right: since 2008, there’s been only one article, which is a surprisingly low number consider this woman’s love seems like it would fill a thousand journals.

Alas, it appears as though their epic love story abruptly ended after Katrina’s groundbreaking debut post, simply titled “Happy New Year!” In this gushy item, she directly addresses her baby (“Hi baby!”) and extols their eight month relationship, promising to use the blog to “keep track of all the incredible memories and conversations between the two of us.” Based on the lack of content, we must imagine that the incredible memories and conversations were not particularly abundant after this site went to press. In fact, we must also imagine that perhaps the very site meant to memorialize the love of Baby is what sent Baby away. Oh, the paradox of BABY. To have him is to lose him!

I suppose we’ll never know what happened to Baby and Katrina (and, um, if there was a death involved, then I feel really, really, really bad). But the truth is this: if you don’t want to scare away a lover, then never publish a blog like this. And if you do publish a blog like this and your lover stays, then you two are probably SUPER annoying and everyone talks behind your back. And chances are you also post way too many pictures of babies on Facebook.

So, stop that.