SHAHS OF SUNSET: Bingeing and Persian in Vegas

The Shahs of Sunset has not pulled in stellar ratings, which is too bad because the show is almost impossibly addictive. These characters — all disaster, all appealing — scream and yell their way through an episode like unruly drunkards, which is quite possibly what they are. So far, there hasn’t been much on screen to dispute some of the reigning negative stereotypes of Persians in Los Angeles, but that’s okay. I’m sure there’ll be something somewhere that will cause us to think “Hey, I really need to reexamine my terrible stereotypes.” Oh, who am I kidding? This is Bravo. Without stereotypes, we wouldn’t have a network.

The big news this week was that the whole gang headed to Vegas for Reza’s thirty-eighth (possibly forty-seventh) birthday party. The group did it up in style, first with a party bus (that parked squarely in front of my apartment building no less. MJ apparently lives across the street), and then with a private plane that came replete with champagne and a Persian rug. It was a very LITERAL aircraft.

GG spent much of the flight breathing into a bag, perhaps to stave off her fear of flying or perhaps so that she wouldn’t have to inhale the same air as some of the ugly, H&M-wearing people she hates so much. GG was in full evil bitch mode, and while I don’t want to be too offensive or vulgar, it wouldn’t be totally inaccurate to call her a wild, irrational C U Next Tuesday this week. She once again went out of her way to bash Mike’s tastes in women, saying that he doesn’t like the “subtle look,” which — mistake me if I’m wrong — is not a style that seems to have been embraced by this cast either.

Yes, GG felt that Mike only dated sluts, but those were some fightin’ words, considering that GG lined up a booty call for her weekend in Vegas. And not only did she arrange a booty call, but she did it to specifically make Mike mad. In other words, she kind of whored herself out. But yes, it’s Mike who deals with the sluts.

Anyway, GG spent the whole episode being awful, particularly to a girl named Anita, who just so happened to be the hottest girl in the group by a long shot. On the first night, GG and MJ scoffed at Anita’s allegedly “five-season-old” frock while being all of about one foot away from the girl. Unlike most reality stars, Anita smiled and took the high road — which probably explains why she’s not in the cast. Anita wasn’t so restrained the next day at a pool party when GG again mocked her bathing suit openly, loudly, and obnoxiously. To be fair, Anita was being rather ridiculous by refusing to get her bathing suit wet on account of it being so expensive. Women be crazy. Nevertheless, Anita called out GG for talking behind her back, causing GG to vehemently deny talking behind anyone’s back ever. In other news, GG is an idiot.

Well, this all spiraled into a screaming mess with Anita challenging GG to name the brand of her dress that was allegedly five seasons old. GG clearly couldn’t produce an answer because a) she perhaps lacks the cognitive ability to do anything beyond bark, or b) because she had no answer because she was full of bullshit in the first place. Naturally, her response was salient: “I DON’T READ BRANDS.” Yes, GG went on to shriek that she doesn’t know her brands because she buys THOUSANDS of dollars worth of clothes every week. But if she doesn’t pay attention to the brands, how does she know if a repugnant garment from H&M has snuck into her collection? She’s truly playing fast and loose with her fashion, and I for one do not approve.

Of course to GG, this was all shocking. The accusations were totally unfounded (even if they had been documented clearly on camera). “I’ve taken the girl shopping!” GG informed us, suggesting that perhaps once one reaches that inner-circle of friendship with her — to the point where she DEIGNS to be seen with you in Fred Segal — she would never speak a nasty word.

Clearly everyone was on Team Anita, and never was this more apparent than at dinner when GG showed up late and everyone ignored her. Of course, she could have attempted to initiate a conversation or two, and perhaps if she arrived on time she might have nabbed a better seat, but these are just minor observations. Ultimately, GG left the table teary-eyed, causing great awkwardness for the guests. It was in stark contrast to the night prior when the gang gorged themselves on classy sliders and mused about such things as the flavor of Dom versus Krystal.

The other big difference this night was that MJ seemed to be relatively sober. The same couldn’t have been said of the night prior when she all but hooked herself up to an IV of Bombay Sapphire. The girl was a drunken mess dressed like a disco ball, and I’m surprised she didn’t fall face first into her plate of sliders. Later, she wound up puking in da club (which is coincidentally a rejected Weird Al song I submitted to him), and amusingly, Sammy attempted to clean up her barf by rubbing a pillow on it. Remind me to never sit on a couch in Vegas ever again.

Reza and Asa then took care of MJ up in the palatial suite, with Asa pushing any manner of tea on the girl and Reza simply tossing MJ into a shower and spraying water on her. Later, he slid her into a tub (again full clothed), and while this was all ridiculous, I had to admire both Reza’s loyalty to his friend (he should have been down at the club for his birthday) and the fact that he seemed to have been having a blast.

It all brought to mind the words that Reza yelled to his friends at the restaurant just hours prior: “May you all wake up with a screaming hangover!!” I’m not sure if they all woke up with a screaming hangover, but I can guarantee that they woke up to at least a screaming Reza (he only seems to know one volume: LOUD).

Yes, it was one earsplitting, bitchy, tacky weekend, and I’m not going to lie… it did look begrudgingly very fun. I suppose we’ll see how it all plays out next week…

“I can’t wait to put on something gold and shiny that I can PUKE ALL OVER.”

“Well, it’s only a matter of time before the girls come flocking.”
“Yup. Any second now.”
“We’ll be batting them away.”
“We’ll need a bouncer.”
“It’s gonna be Heyvoon Bazi.”
“Totally.”
“Any second now…”

Anita: “Don’t you hate it when your bathing suit gets wet? I mean, why on Earth would you ever wear it into a pool?”
MJ: “I know! I just bought some Louboutins for $2,000. I wear them on my hands. I’m not getting them dirty on a floor!”

“I wonder if Mike will be jealous of this soda bottle.”

GG demonstrates her patented “subtle look.”

“OMG PUT ME DOWN! I WANT TO GET OUT OF THE POOL AND DANCE TO ASA’S EPIC PERSIAN SUMMER JAM!!!”

Sammy: “So… does my muffin-top excite you? PISHI PISHI.”

GG: “Ugh. Anita is so five seasons ago. She thinks she’s pretty, but whatever. I’ll tell you what she is: NOT-PISHI NOT-PISHI.”
“That was a good one.”
“Thanks.”

“What’s the deal in here? Why is there no gold? Why aren’t you playing an epic Persian summer jam??”

“Isn’t it funny how GG thinks I’m a slut when she’s the one who slept with a guy to make Mike jealous? Hahahaha. She’s the H&M of sexual activities: CHEAP.”

MJ: “Hello? Who is this? No, I asked you first! Stop repeating what I’m saying! What’s wrong with you?”
[click]
Sammy: “What was that all about?”
“I don’t know. There was some obnoxious, pushy woman on the other line.”
“Uh, you realize you were talking to yourself on two phones, right?”
“Oh.”

GG: “Hey, guys. Sorry I’m late. I had to stop twice to apply more gold and sequins — the subtle look, you know.”

GG: “Here’s to us being subtle and classy.”
MJ: “Yeah. Now watch out. I’m going to PUKE ALL OVER YOUR FACE.”

What did you think about the episode?