BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: These People Are CAH-RAY-ZEE

If you missed last night’s episode of Big Brother, let me sum it up for you real quickly: everyone cried, and then Kalia and Lawon did something super dumb.

I suppose if you want more details, keep reading…

So basically the Big Brother compound has become a house of hormones. Nearly everyone woman spent last night’s episode breaking down into tears, often over something inconsequential or laughable. Rachel bawled because she felt alone. Kalia bawled because she felt stressed. Shelly bawled because… I don’t really know why. And Jordan bawled because… well, I think because everyone else was bawling. Poor Jeff looked like he was at his wit’s end with all the emotions running through the house.

Of course, Jeff was also at his wit’s end with Kalia, who he warned not to nominate him. However, that’s just what she did, and even though she insisted Jeff wasn’t the target, he still was in harm’s way and justifiably upset. What wasn’t justifiable was his attitude that he didn’t deserve to be on the block versus some of the floaters. I’m not sure you can boast about being one of the strongest players in the house and then balk at someone trying to kick you out the door. As Jeff (and Rachel and Jordan, apparently) would see it, being a strong player should earn you a spot in the finals, but since when did Big Brother become a game of honor where outspoken, flashy dominance is rewarded? Last time I checked, it’s all about who builds the best alliances and employs the most intelligent strategy, even if it does deem one a “floater.”

Anyway, all of Jeff’s badgering worked (and hey, if his sanctimonious rants come from a strategical place — all is forgiven. But I don’t think they are). Kalia, who professed to be a strong player unswayed by others, totally caved to Jeff’s wishes. Sure, he may not have been her true target, but after his aggressive attitude towards her, he should have been. But instead, Kalia kowtowed to Jeff and Jordan, and when Jeff managed to win the veto, Kalia decided she would put up a newbie (or even Daniele) rather than Jordan. Kalia’s belief was that if she spared Jordan, it would prove that her word was good and bring her back into their good graces. Spoiler alert: you will never be in their good graces again, Kalia.

Enter Lawon.

Up until now, we’ve known very little about Lawon except that he makes loud, squealing noises that are disturbingly one part minstrel show and one part, uh, whatever the gay version of a minstrel show is. The point is, he’s been awful and nonsensical, but thanks to that Yale sweatshirt he totes around, I can’t help but think he might have a brain somewhere in there. And because I think he might have a brain, I assume he might bust out some hardcore strategy one of these days.

Well, last night, Lawon finally presented his first bit of strategy. Evict him.

Wha whaaaa?

Yes, Lawon predicated his scheme on the vague news that whoever is evicted tonight might (operative word: MIGHT) return to the house. Lawon decided that he would be the ultimate pawn of pawns: he’d be evicted, come back, and then join forces with Kalia and Daniele again to take out the vets. I know you’re scratching your heads, but let me elaborate. Kalia has been trembling in her boots about Rachel getting evicted and returning with a vengeance. Lawon’s plan would allow Kalia to evict someone and have that person come back with no ill wil.

And yes, this IS this most idiotic plan of all time.

Nevertheless, the girls loved it. According to Kalia and Daniele, if it were to work, then they would earn back the trust of the vets (WRONG) with minimal damage. If it were to fail, then… sorry Lawon.

The fatal flaw here, however, is that Kalia and Daniele will never earn back the loyalty of Rachel, Jeff, and Jordan. It’s like reasoning with terrorists. Now, with Rachel going up against Lawon, there’s a very distinct chance that she’ll be safe, and an even more distinct chance that Lawon will not return to the house, given that every evicted cast member he could potentially battle against is significantly stronger than he is. I don’t know where Lawon gets the idea that he could come back into the game. He has yet to come close to winning anything this season.

Ah, but this is the joy of Big Brother. It’s easy for us to look at the scenario rationally, but they’re all headcases now. And it seems like things go haywire at this time of the season. Must we overlook Howie’s fatal nominations in season six? MUST WE??

Here’s the photocap:

“Hey Shelly, check out my Pope impression.”

“Rachel, don’t lose it. I need you in this house, BRO.”

“It’s not FAIR. I want to eat the coconut on my dresser!”

“Why won’t they let me eat the coconut???”

“I want to go home. Daniele broke up Brendon and me. What’s the point of living if you don’t have a condescending, co-dependent, and manipulative boyfriend around?”

“AND WHY DO I HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A SIMPSONS CHARACTER WHEN I CRY???”

“I look like a classmate of Bart GODDAMN Simpson!”

“I just want yogurt!”

“Everyone hates me! Where I come from, people love the emotionally unstable crying girl! That’s so Vegas, and I am Vegas.”

“WHY DIDN’T I BRING CULOTTES INTO THE HOUSE? I LOVE CULOTTES!”

“Oh great. I just remembered the end of Cool Runnings, and now I’m going to cry all OVER AGAIN.”

“I am not playing this game for anyone else. I am a strong, independent woman. I make my OWN decisions… ohmigod everyone hates me I need to make Jeff and Jordan love me I will do whatever they want please don’t hate me everyone what do I do just tell me I’ll do it.”

“I swear to GAD, I’m going to make an army, and I want to see everyone step up and play… because apparently that’s the only strategy that’s allowed, which kind of doesn’t make sense because this is a strategy game, not a team sport. Man up!!!”

“I MISS GAYLE.”

“Jeff and Jordan, I just want you to know that we’re solid. And you better not betray me, Jeff. Just remember: BROS BEFORE HO’S.”

“Oh great. Now I’m crying, and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because it’s that time of the month. My favorite month is July. I like the fireworks. Fireworks are loud though. It’s like being at war, and I hate war. War makes me think of, like, destroyed countries and people’s houses all ruined, and that makes me think of poverty, and then I think about not having money. And when I’m broke, I use my credit card a lot. And oh wow — the US government’s credit rating was totally downgraded, wasn’t it???”

“I miss so many things about being home: my power tools, my jock strap — I could go on.”

Jeff: “Hey, you gotta quit crying, Blair Warner.”

“I love Ancient Greece. Makes me think of the movie Grease. That makes me think of John Travolta. He’s a Scientologist. That makes me think of science, and science is, like, chemistry. And we used Bunsen burners in lab. And one time I lit my hair on fire. Gosh, I just realized: Jeff is totally going to beat Adam in this competition by a hair!”

“Ain’t no one coming between me and MY Hellenic victory!”

“Athenians grab your baklava!”

“It’s not fair! Why does gravity always work against me? And why do I want to stay in a house where NONE of the laws of physics don’t even want me to be here??”

“Yogis grab your downward dog pose!”

“You know, with my beard trimmed, I don’t look so bad — at least in the face. But I feel like I can horrify American just a touch more…”

“THERE we go!”

“I think it’s time for me to make a big, dumb move.”

“Oh hi. I’m on this show too.”

“HOOOOO-WEEEEE!!! Are y’all ready to hear my awful strategy? Because it’s CAH-RAY-ZEEEEEE!!!!”

Jordan: “I know I’m going to get nominated. Nominations make me think of award shows. And that makes me think of the Oscars. That movie about the King of England won this year. I’m glad it wasn’t Transformers. That movie was stupid. I can’t imagine anything dumber than that. The only thing dumber would be if Kalia nominated Lawon for eviction, and he pretended to be surprised but secretly was happy because he wanted to be evicted on the faulty assumption that he could simply walk back into the house based on the nominal information we have about the twist.”

“I may have just shat in my pants a little bit. CAH-RAY-ZEEEE!!!”