Deconstructing the Perez Hilton, will.i.am Feud

Oh what a glorious morning. I woke up not knowing what I’d be writing about (sorry, my trip to the Big Brother house on Friday must stay under wraps for another week), but then I checked my email. My friend jash had alerted me that will.i.am from The Black Eyed Peas and Perez Hilton from, well, The Internet had gotten into some sort of kerfuffle. Normally, I wouldn’t care about such a dumb celebrity feud, but when I learned that it had culminated with Perez Hilton getting (finally) socked in the face, I was most intrigued.
Turns out that the altercation took place in peaceful Canada at the MuchMusic Awards where allegedly there were some words between Perez and Fergie, which turned into words between Perez and Will, which turned into words between Perez and some guy’s fist. I don’t really know who’s right or wrong in the situation, but it’s safe to say that this moment was long overdue. Perez couldn’t truly think he could last five years as the country’s most obnoxious gossip monger before getting decked in his oddly shaped face. I’m not condoning violence, but seriously, he had to know it would happen someday. And he had to know we would then all laugh.
Nevertheless, both feuding parties immediately fled to the Internet where they’ve described their respective sides of the story in an effort to sway the court of public opinion. Will.i.am’s video is short, to-the-point, and free of ridiculous histrionics that might undermine his credibility. Perez’s video on the other hand, well, it’s a bit much. Details after the jump…

First I feel I must divulge some not-so-critical information in the pursuit of journalistic integrity (heh): I’m technically under contract with will.i.am as I was hired as a writer for his website, Dipdive.com. That being said, I’ve yet to actually meet Will, and I haven’t written for the site in about nine months; so it’s not like I’m strongly biased towards him.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s discuss the alleged incident. From what we can tell, Fergie approached Perez and asked him why he was hatin’ on the band’s new album. He said something about just keepin’ it real, they had a few words, and then everyone parted ways, end of story. But then the next night, will.i.am saw Perez and told him not to disrespect his girl Fergie. This led to further words and snipping, eventually culminating in Perez calling Will a “faggot.” Will walked away, and a member of his entourage — possibly his manager — then decked Perez in the face. Mass hysteria and dramatic Tweeting ensued.
I know what you’re thinking: hallelujah! Someone finally clocked Perez! But people, let’s not get carried away. VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER (even if it IS the most satisfying, as in this case).
For his part, Perez was outraged, outraged I tell you, about this savage act. He took to the Internet and recorded a twelve minute rambling description of the events that at times veers into melodramatic browbeating so laughably embarrassing, one can’t help but feel this belongs up there in the Chris Crocker hall of fame.
From the outset, we know we’re in for a particularly campy piece of viral video when Perez announces that he’s recording this statement NOT as Perez, but as Mario Lavandeirrrrrra. Oooh. The sass is on!
Perez then tries to clarify his intentions behind the vid. He is not out for publicity, he tells us. “I don’t need press! I don’t need publicity!” Of course, this is a lie. He does need publicity, and he does crave press; so already he’s not being honest with us — a major problem when attempting to build credibility for oneself.
Anyway, as Perez details his interactions with Fergie and will.i.am, he informs us, “I like writing about other people’s drama. I don’t want drama in my own life!” — as evidenced by his teary-eyed, screaming exultations on this video. Of course, the mere fact that he’s even posted this video undermines any truth to his assertion that he seeks a drama-free existence. And besides, after he’s happily stoked, created, and harped on other people’s drama and misery, I’m not sure the public in general will be terribly sympathetic to Perez’s plight.
Well, after making this declaration, Perez then reveals the positively ghastly ordeal he endured when one of the BEP’s bodyguards brushed by him at the MuchMusic awards and gave him the shoulder. WILL THE HORRORS EVER CEASE? Can’t a shrill gossip blogger walk down a hallway in peace??? Clearly not. And so when at the red carpet and when asked if there was any backstage gossip to share, Perez happily announced that he had been shoved aside by the Black Eyed Peas. Not that he wants drama in his life. I mean, everyone knows the best way to keep oneself drama free is to air your dirty laundry to the gossip wags on a red carpet…
I guess word about this got back to the Black Eyed Peas (or maybe they were all still annoyed at whatever it was that Perez had said to Fergie), but nevertheless, according to Perez, will.i.am then approached him later at a club and demanded that he stop being so disrespectful. It’s here in the video that Perez adopts a “woe-is-me” attitude that is both amusing and totally reprehensible.
“I can’t believe people are getting upset over me saying I don’t like their music or ‘Fergie is fugly’ or whatever,” he says, perhaps oblivious as to the entire concept of the “insult.” Then again, let’s be honest: why would anyone even care if they were called fugly? I mean, it’s only their physical attributes that they can’t really change. srsly, get over your fugly self, FERGS.
All kidding aside, I’ve certainly had my share of harsh words that I’ve directed at people on the blog, and while I try to refrain from being out and out cruel, at least I have the balls to acknowledge that if I call someone “fugly,” they might just get offended. Once again, sympathy for Perez diminishes.
Well, according to Perez, he headed out to the valet stand and guess who was there? WILL.I.AM. He had, like, totally followed Perezers!!! (Or he was simply waiting to get his car to go home because, you know, it is possible for two different people to be at the valet stand at the same time — but I guess that’s not as interesting). Anyway, poor, beleaguered Perez found himself cornered by will.i.am, who we all know is an aggressive and violent stalker, and once again, the two got into it.
According to Perez, Will just kept accusing him of disrespecting the band. Had I been in Perez’s shoes, I might have tried to mollify Will, tell him that we were both a bit heated and that we should discuss this later when they’d both calmed down. I think that would have been a reasonable request. Luckily, Perez was on the same pacifist wavelength:
“I was not wanting or trying to antagonize him,” he tells us. So naturally, that would explain why then yelled at will.i.am, “I DON’T NEED TO RESPECT YOU, AND YOU’RE A FAG!” Consider this situation diffused!
Again, Perez’s attempts to draw support from the public fails miserably. He not only contradicts himself by claiming he wasn’t seeking conflict, but he also proves to be highly offensive. Perez justifies his actions on the video, saying that he simply wanted to cut will.i.am to the core and offend him deeply, but I don’t see how a) that’s mature, b) that’s appropriate, c) that’s relevant to anything, d) an effective way to AVOID antagonization, or e) remotely worthy of our sympathy. Plus, we all know that if someone had said such a thing to Perez, he would immediately be up in front of his webcam, tearfully raging against the hate in America.
Amusingly, Perez then says, “I knew it would set him off, but I didn’t want to get into a fight with this person!” Seems like a counterintuitive plan of action. Usually when you hurl a slur at someone, it winds up in fisticuffs. That’s the thing about BAITING someone into a fight — they FIGHT.
Sure enough, Perez then reveals that he got punched two or three times by will.i.am’s “manager, Polo, WHOM I HAVE MET BEFORE!” — and yes, Perez DID just name-drop mid-violent assault. Nevertheless, I think at this point in the video we’re supposed to feel enormous amounts of empathy for Perez, but being that we’ve already had to endure seven minutes and twelve seconds of this yammering, I think anyone watching would want to punch the guy too.
Well, after having been decked in the face, Perez reacted calmly and level-headedly. And by that, I mean he said, “I’M BLEEDING! I THINK MY EYE MIGHT BE FALLING OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!” (note to Perez: if you can see out both eyes, they’re intact).
It’s here in the video that Perez gets on his high — and I imagine sturdy — horse. He damns this Polo character by saying that his actions are “unacceptable, and talk about UNPROFESSIONAL!” This, of course, comes from the guy who’s made a career drawing dicks on people’s faces.
Perez then unleashes his full fury on will.i.am, literally screaming at the camera, “And will.i.am, FUCK YOU because you FUCKING LIED, you FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!” Clearly, Perez is the doyenne of professional behavior.

But wait, there’s more!
After being so viciously assaulted, Perez headed back to the hotel, and wouldn’t you know it? There was will.i.am again! “will.i.am FOLLOWED US TO THE HOTEL,” Perez announces to us, before quietly adding, “which is where they were also staying.” WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT AT THREE IN THE MORNING, THE BLACK EYED PEAS WOULD GO BACK TO THEIR HOTEL? STALKERS!!! And that bellhop — what was he doing there? Another Perez stalker! And all those maids too! And the concierge! They’d all followed Perez back to the hotel. CRAZIES, ALL OF THEM!
Anyway, fearing that one of the Black Eyed Peas might be packing some heat, Perez then called 911 for help, but seeing as this was merely a phantom emergency, the cops were reticent to show up. What else to do? Well, Perez decided to Tweet. “That was my very public cry for help,” he tells us. Move over Iranian youths fighting for freedom. Twitter has a new hero. A hero WHO’S BEEN PUNCHED IN THE FACE!!! Mobilize! Mobilize!
Well, I suppose Twitter came to the rescue. Many of Perez’s fans called the police, and the situation resolved itself. It’s here in the video that Perez then gets all choked up and says, “To all those people who expressed concern and who called the police, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Because I am a HUMAN BEING!” Cue the violins.
“Violence is never the answer!”
And yes, this is where this whole circus becomes not a desperate plea for attention, but an unassailable public service announcement about violence. Of course, I’m sure Perez will now speak to every media outlet possible — all under the guise of speaking out against violence and not attention-whoring. The truth is that Perez might honestly be doing this to advocate against violence, but even if his motives are sincere, no one will believe him. And that’s on him. He’s established himself as a total glutton for fame — doing whatever it takes for the spotlight, which is fine (he’s laughing all the way to the bank) — but Perez must realize that actions have consequences. Self-promoting Famewhores aren’t taken seriously. His credibility is nil.

People, he is a VICTIM!

At the end of the day, all of this is delicious karma. No one really condones violence, but Perez had to know that if he acted so shameless and ridiculous and obnoxious nonstop, it would come back to bite him. He’s the bully of the blogosphere, and any attempt to play the victim is simply laughable. In situations like these, people don’t care about the truth. They only want to see comeuppance. You reap what you sow, Perez, and even if you’re completely innocent, I’m sorry — it’s hilarious.
What do you think about this craziness? Can Perez be taken seriously? Who was right? Who was wrong?