TOP CHEF MASTERS PHOTOCAP: A Starry, Starry Night!

I finally caught the premiere episode of Top Chef Masters last night, and I actually liked it way more than I thought I would. I feared that it would dilute the brand — and the lack of Tom or Padma or Gail (not to be confused with Gael) — would cheapen the experience, but no, it was just fine. Hostess Kelly Choi seemed incredibly nervous in front of the camera as her face was often contorted into an uncomfortable scowl, but aside from her generally awkward and eye-flaring presence, everything seemed fine. The new judges were articulate and informed — even if I didn’t quite trust Red Sweater’s knowledge of tailgating food.
As for the chefs, we were given four contestants, who had all won several honors — except for perhaps cowboy freezer enthusiast Tim Love, whose only highlighted accomplishment was not that he had won a James Beard award but that he had ridden on horseback to the ceremony. Hmmm… Compared to the other chefs — Christopher Lee, Michael Schlow, Hubert Keller — he seemed like kind of a lightweight, and I’m not sure he impressed much of America when he accidentally stored his produce in THE FREEZER instead of the fridge. Apparently, because of a lack of ice racks, he just assumed he was dealing with a refrigerator, which leads me to believe he’d never heard of that other handy indicator: TEMPERATURE. As in, if you open up a fridge and you feel like you might just freeze solid, especially if left trapped inside of it for a few hours, then chances are you’re dealing with a FREEZER.

But at least Love didn’t put on an embarrassing display like Schlow, whose Quickfire debut was nothing short of a disaster. He tried to bake something, but that was an epic fail, thus leaving him to scoop some sloppy chocolate candy type things on a plate and hope for the best. Unfortunately, his food was judged by a Troika of picky Girl Scouts, one of which was a miniature Gail Simmons in training. The girls most certainly did not like Schlow’s offerings, affording him a rating of only two and a half stars. This was significant because we soon learned that all the judges would be accumulating stars throughout the show, with Quickfire stars being added onto Elimination Challenge stars for a grand total of up to twenty-five stars in all. Whoever had the most stars at the end of the show would move onto the Championship round later in the season.
This was good news for Hubert Keller, who not only received five perfect stars from the girl scouts, but also won enough accolades from the judges in the Elimination Challenge to see him through to the next round. However, I’m not sure the judges would have been so effusive had they actually seen the way he had prepared his three-course meal. You see, the challenge was to have the chefs cook up dinner for students at Pomona College, using only toaster ovens, microwaves, and hot plates. Oh, and their “kitchens” were actually dorm rooms. Well, since Keller had pasta to drain, he brought his colander into the bathroom and let it sit in the shower, which was somewhat disturbing, but not the worst thing in the world. However, HOWEVER, he then did something, which I believe would qualify as a massive health code violation. He stirred his pasta with what looked to be a spoon, but thanks to eagle-eyed Jash, we saw that it was actually THE SHOWER HEAD! That’s right. HE USED A SHOWER HEAD TO STIR PASTA!!! Does he know where that shower head has been? I’ll tell you: it’s been up some horny Pomona kid’s ass. That’s where it’s been. (Or vag — really, any orifice is possible). I know the guy is French and all, and different people have different customs, but a crusty shower head in a college dorm? Appalling.
And yet, Keller won the episode; so go figure.
Anyway, onto the photocap:

“We have to make dessert? What sort of Satanic show is this?!”

“If you want to get to those pots and pans, you’re gonna have to GO THROUGH ME FIRST!”

“My name’s Kelly, and I’m the constable of Pot & Pan Jail!”

“No, THIS is your chin.”
“Really? Then what’s this?”
“Your forehead.”
“Ohhhh.”

“If any of you cheat, I’ll have my army of Monogram appliance robots kill you.”

“I wasn’t so sure about this dish at first, but then it turns out this student had some herbs in his desk; so I just tossed those in, and everything’s groovy now.”

“Don’t look now, Jay, but Gael Green is totally giving you the ‘FUCK ME’ eyes.”

“I know juggling eggs looks risky, but don’t worry. THEY’RE FROZEN.”

“Just put dinner in the oven. Should be pipin’ hot and delicious when it comes out. Wait, what? That was the freezer? Oh man…”

“Hmmm… I wonder which onion will freeze better.”

“Do not worry. My dishes are perfectly clean. I soaked zem in ze toilette and zen rinsed zem wiz a garden hoze.”