Last week, Logo premiered Finding Prince Charming, a reality competition colloquially referred to as the “gay Bachelor.” And that’s what it is. The show sees host Lance Bass guiding the handsome, robotic Robert Sepulveda Jr. through a gaggle of would-be suitors, all in the name of televised love. Our usual tropes are here: romantic music, catty brinksmanship, and the occasional declaration of personal tragedy. Some contestants play coy — Brodney amusingly struggles with “opening up” at a pool party, stating that it’s not the venue for such tender moments (and yet appearing on a TV is somehow less impersonal). Others swarm around Robert like tweens at a Bieber concert. It’s all pretty amazing and hilarious.
The biggest laughs, however, come from Robert himself, whose enviable torso often stands in for personality. He presents himself as a romantic soul with deep, empathetic thoughts — and yet he nearly rejects Paul for liking short men and gives the boot to Nick, whose sweating is seen as a roadblock to connection. Meanwhile, upon learning that the aforementioned Brodney is a trainer from his current home of Atlanta, Robert senses they might be a perfect match — you know, because they live in the same city and like to work out. It’s gloriously superficial, and I want to drag Robert over the coals for it, but unfortunately, I can’t act like I’m not a shallow gay man too; so hey, Robert — you go and get yourself a hot guy. I support you fully!
Full disclosure: my friend Brandon is amongst the suitors; so I am incredibly biased in his favor. Go Brandon!
Photocap after the jump…
“Love is hard.”
“I really want to meet a guy who is grounded, thoughtful, interesting, family-oriented, and educated. Or has abs. Actually, I’ll just take the abs.”
“I’m a very empathetic person; so I really understand what this beach towel is feeling.”
“I wonder if there are any mer-men out there. And if there are, do they work out?”
Lance: “Tell me about your last relationship.”
Robert: “Well, it was really powerful, but ultimately we lacked a fundamental connection. I mean, he went to LA Fitness, and I go to Equinox.”
“It’s funny talking about relationships because I’m married now.”
“Yes, I heard. Congratulations.”
“Can you believe it? I found a lifelong partner! ME! Lance Bass!”
“That’s really great.”
“But here I go again, rambling on about BEING MARRIED, which I am.”
“Next question please.”
“I haven’t eaten a carb since 2011.”
Paul: “Hi there! I’m Paul. You have amazing eyes!”
Eric: “Thanks! You have amazing awkwardness!”
Robert: “I wonder if they can tell how SNEAKY I’m being right now.”
Jasen: “Yes, bitch. You just said it out loud.”
“Isn’t it great being tall? We have such a connection.”
“Wow. I’m trying to create a connection with you, but I’m not sure I can connect with someone who connects with short guys.”
“Thank you for making a safe space for me to walk into.”
“WHAT AM I DOING HERE?”
“C’mon Charlie, don’t be scared. I’m sure this Prince Charming dude cares more about what’s on the inside than the outside.”
“Wait, is that a Hobbit?”
“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”
“WOW! I’m definitely getting kicked off first!”
“Was the red suit a mistake? It was a mistake, wasn’t it? Yeah, I can see that now.”
“It looks like he opened up a checking account at JoS. A Bank.”
“They’re laughing at me. That’s okay: smile now and cry into a pillow later.”
“HEY BITCHEZ!! THE PARTY IS HERE!!!”
Door girl: “Please, we all know I’m the star here.”
Sam: “I swear to God, if this is Prince Charming, I’m going to turn straight.”
“I like fabric.”
“Hey guys, now you have to describe yourself as a hashtag. For example, I would be #MARRIEDyesIsaidMARRIED.”
Robby: “My hashtag is–“
Lance: “#NOTMARRIEDLIKELANCE.”
Nick: “I guess if I had to describe myself in a hashtag, it would be #newjerseyketchup.”
“It’s so cute when ugly people talk.”
“My name is Charlie, I live in Hermosa, and I’m looking for love.”
Lance: “You know you have no shot, right?”
“Hey guys, I’m sorry I was so SNEAKY by pretending to be one of you, but to make up for it, I promise to be super vulnerable from here on out. And by ‘vulnerable,’ I mean shirtless.”
“Hey Robby, why are you so gay?”
“Why are you so conservative, Mary?”
“PSSSHHHAAAHHH. You’re the conservative one, ladyface.”
“Just because I talk like Trudy from Mad Men does not make me conservative.”
“If I could think of a comeback, I would. Oh wait wait… here we go. FIX YOUR DRESS!!! Nailed it.”
Robert: “Wow, he really gets me.”
“Hey Brodney, why are you so shy?”
“I don’t feel safe.”
“But you’re in a wicker cage.”
“I’m sorry I’m uncomfortable, but I’ve been cruising you for two years at the gym, and this is the first time you’ve ever talked to me.”
“Well, I don’t talk to sweaty men. Have you seen Nick?”
“Did somebody say my name?”
“I just don’t think I can be open with you at a pool party. And in front of a national television audience. But mainly it’s the pool party.”
“Wow. And here I thought we had such a connection. I mean, we’re both from Atlanta, we both go to the same gym… it’s, like, destiny.”
“All this vulnerability is making me hot.”
“You guys, Robert’s about to take his shirt off.”
“I SEE AN AB.”
“You guys, I’m shirtless too, soooooo….”
“Me likey. ME LIKEY!!!”
“Don’t be shy, Robert. Take it off.”
“You guys, I have been dreaming about this moment for MY WHOLE LIFE.”
“Is everyone ready for my honesty?”
“HURRY UP!!!”
Justin: “Dillon, turn around, you are missing EVAAARYTHAAAANG!!!”
“That feels better. I felt so SNEAKY not letting everyone know how many abs I have.”
“Do you mind if I come sweat near you, Robert?”
Robert: “It’s bad enough that you’re sweating, but now you want to talk about New Jersey???”
“I’m trying to make a connection with people here, and Nick is SWEATING. How the HELL am I supposed to connect with THAT?”
“Sweating means I’m nervous. And that makes me vulnerable. You like that don’t you???”
Robert: “You’re talking like a man who sprayed on his abs.”
“What? No. What?”
“Just give up, sweetheart.”
“Hey Robert, just wanted to say that I’m having a great time swimming, and–“
“Why are you talking to me?”
“Robert, wait! I have something awkward to say!”
“I’m so sorry for saying that I’ve dated short guys. I realize now that it was wildly offensive.”
“Thank you for being honest and vulnerable with me. And for working out.”
“So, Robert, have I mentioned that I’m married? Because I think that’s an important point to make.”
“Yes, several times.”
“Okay, good… (I’m married btw).”
“Me.”
“Me.”
“Me!”
“ME!!!”
Lance: “Okay everyone, here’s how this will work: Robert will stare vacantly at you, and whoever blinks first goes home.”
“Eric, will you accept this ball-less mouth gag?”
“I think it’s just a necktie.”
“You’re funny. I like that.”
“Eric, I feel like we have a real connection. You’re hot, I’m hot, and we love to breathe. Thank you for sharing the honesty of your pecs with me.”
Lance: “Real quick: Robert has requested that those with spray-tanned abs refrain from looking directly into his eyes.”
“HOW DOES HE KNOW???”
“Oh look, my Uber driver’s here.”
“Ummmm actually I’m one of the guys vying for your heart.”
“I’m sorry, have we met?”
“Yeah. We totally bonded in the pool.”
“Hmm, I don’t usually swim with morbidly obese people. Are you sure?”
“Hey, I’m a little thick, but I’m pretty sure I’m not morbidly obese. That really hurts my feelings.”
“Wow, thank you SO much for being vulnerable with me. You are by far the best Uber driver I’ve had. Five stars!”
“But what about… us?”
“I just don’t think there’s a connection. I’m hot, and you’re… you.”
“As a hot person, I’d like to say something.”
“Yes, Brodney. You have the floor. And great arms.”
“Remember that time at the gym when we walked by each other and smiled but didn’t say anything but then you looked back and I pretended not to see you? Well, I saw you.”
“You know, Brodney, we have so much in common — we both love treadmills, we both have eyes — but I feel like you’re too guarded.”
“I understand. It’s hard for me to let down my guard when I’m forced to wear a shirt.”
“Unfortunately, you will not be receiving a tie tonight, but feel free to send me a dick pic anytime.”
Lance: “Is there anything more beautiful than two men hugging with a combined .4% body fat?”
What did you think about the show?
so many gems in this recap! hope it continues for the whole series, because its EVAAARYTHAAAANG!!!