You guys, Dorothy and Cooper are totes over! If you have no idea who I’m talking about, don’t worry. I don’t know either. But when I tuned in to a random episode of RichKids of Beverly Hills, I knew I had to, like, totally hashtag recap it. For the uninitiated, RKOBH follows the highs and lows of a bunch of vapid twenty-somethings who live, ostensibly, in Beverly Hills, CA. Or so I think. I mean, the title seems fairly self-explanatory. All you really need to know is that this is the true story… of several dimwits… picked to live in their own houses… not work together and have their lives taped… to find out what happens… when people stop being polite… and start getting stupid.
Welcome to RichKids (yes, one word) of Beverly Hills.
The show kicks off in dazzling fashion with Magic Johnson’s flamboyant son EJ learning how to dance. This is important because EJ, as we learn, loves to dance, and when he does participate in said dancing, it must look like there’s choreography. And I don’t mean any old choreography. I mean “corey-AH-grah-FEEEEEEE!”
Anyway, as EJ learns his Just Dance Wii U moves, a petite Asian lady named Dorothy saunters in with her even petite-ier friend Ezra. We learn that Dorothy loves Ezra because he’s “fabulous, fun, and yes, rich.” Another fun fact about Ezra: he makes no impact on this show whatsoever and might as well have his face blurred out. E! certainly could have cast someone who was BETTER THAN EZRA. Yes, I went there. And if you don’t get the pun, then, well, I’m old, and I apologize.
Well, not long into this intense episode of So You Think You Can Pant, we learn that these fools had all recently been to China, and guess what? There had been major DRAAAMMS. My initial guess is that someone endured gastrointestinal woe at the hands of a soup dumpling, but apparently, the drama stemmed from something way worse. You guys: get ready. It’s bad.
Apparently COOPER didn’t go to China. But wait — there’s more. Dorothy says that despite this, she and Cooper are TOTES good, but EJ is all “Mmmmmm no girl I see sadness behind your eyes.” This all leads to a very important question: who the HELL is Cooper?
I’m sure devotées of this show know exactly who this nefarious Cooper is, but since I’m new, I just have to smile politely and nod as if I’m, like, all up in Cooper’s Wikipedia page. While I try to piece together this murky, Chinese backstory, the show moves on, and our collective braintrust of Dorothy, EJ, and Ezra (ugh, EZRA) hit the dance floor for some intense hip-hop learnin’. This, of course, affords Dorothy the opportunity to opine about the experience, saying “My favorite thing about dancing is that for 15 seconds I can believe I’m Beyoncé.” It’s funny because when I dance I often feel like I’m Ed Asner.
EJ, meanwhile, extols dancing too, noting that it lets him channel his “inner diva-ness.” Of course, I’m not entiiiiiirely sure his inner diva is that inner, but EJ is affable enough, especially compared to the rest of his miserable cast; so I’ll let it slide.
Suddenly, there’s a flurry of activity on screen, and after a bunch of hastags and weird text bubbles, we find ourselves at the house of a blonde chatterbox named Morgan. Dorothy soon arrives, and Cooper-gate continues.
Morgan politely assures Dorothy that “we all like Cooper a lot,” which of course is code for “We all hate Cooper more than you can know.” And for those trying to keep up, I still have no idea who Cooper is. A boyfriend? A gay buddy? A Yorkshire Terrier? All of the above?
Anyway, the consensus is that it’s, like, totally not cool that Cooper didn’t show up in China. The only thing that could make this worse would be if we found out that Cooper had gone to PF Chang’s instead. Even Grand Luxe Café would be bad, if I’m being honest.
Well, not only is it unacceptable that Cooper didn’t go to China, he also doesn’t generally treat Dorothy the way she deserves to be treated (albeit, I’m not convinced she deserves to be treated better than a paper plate, but that’s just me). Around this time, I start to realize that Cooper is some sort of boyfriend or romantic presence in Dorothy’s life, which is truly sad for him but great news for Morgan, who now gets the chance to announce that “Everyone with a vagina needs to be emotionally fulfilled.” She then goes on to ask “Do you think Brendan wants to be with me all the time? Probably not. I’m highly annoying.” It’s always amazing when reality stars show sudden spurts of self-awareness. Like Cooper, I have no idea who Brendan is, but yes, I already agree that he probably finds Morgan highly annoying.
After about thirty seconds of Morgan talking so quickly that all I hear are the sounds of buzz saws and card shuffling coming out of her mouth, we then head over to a nail salon where Morgan is now getting a mani-pedi with her mom, Susan. It seems like a perfectly lovely activity at first… that is, until we discover that Susan had called her daughter a late bloomer at some point in the not so distant past. Morgan, of course, refuses to accept that she’s a late bloomer and instead tells her mom that she’d be much farther along in life “if you weren’t creatively stifling me all the time and checking out my blog everyday and being a nosy bitch about it!”
Spoken like a true artist. Clearly we are in the presence of a young Gertrude Stein. Personally, I’d chalk the creative stifling up to the apparent lack of higher education, but what do I know? The real issue, it turns out, is that Susan has been checking out her daughter’s blog and isn’t too happy with some of the raunchy photos on display. Morgan’s response is unsurprisingly snotty:
“Social media has really confused mothers,” she explains, going on to elaborate that mothers should not be poking around their kids’ blogs and Facebook pages. Morgan then adds that she wants to write whatever’s on her mind whenever it comes to her. And if that includes a raunchy picture, then so be it. I don’t think social media has confused mothers. I think it’s confused spoiled brats who don’t realize that when things go on the internet, they become fair game. There’s an old saying: if you don’t want people — including your mothers — knowing about your business, don’t post them on your blog.
This is around the time when I want to pause my DVR and rant about entitled brats expecting to do whatever they want without any repercussions, but in the spirit of preserving the last of my functioning brain cells, I’ll refrain.
Nevertheless, Morgan continues to lash out at her mother, saying “I feel stifled by you! I can’t put things up and can’t progress as a human.” This is like saying “I will never find the capacity to love unless you allow me to post to Instagram.” I hate to break it to you, Morgie, but if you’re turning to the blogosphere to progress as a human being, I don’t think the story arc of your life will be terribly impressive. Trust me: I’m a blogger.
“Mother, you are impeding my progress as a human being. I mean, I think it’s you. It could also be my general lack of drive or ambition.”
Well, Susan reiterates that her daughter’s photos are inappropriate, at which point Morgan reminds her mother that her blog is “called Boobs and Loubs, not Bakeries and Baskets.” This is a great shame because I would actually go to a blog called Bakeries and Baskets. Also, I kid you not, when Morgan said her blog’s name was “Boobs and Loubs,” I thought she meant “Boobs and Lubes.” The girl really needs to work on her branding (although, her point does remain: it is a far cry from Bakeries and Baskets).
After the commercial break, we find Morgan working on Boobs and Lubes, perhaps experiencing more creative stifling and subsequently a lack of progress as a human being. But then again, based on this opening paragraph from her August 10th entry, I’m happy to report that her growth as a lady and a writer seems to be off the charts:
“In all honesty, I bought three tank tops today for $400 bucks and I don’t even know how that’s possible, but I feel like a real asshole about it. Needless to say I will be wearing one tonight because they make my titties look good..”
Nevertheless, as Morgan continues to fill the void left by Maya Angelou, a bearded guy appears and says hello. Morgan checks her phone, causing the dude to respond, “Did I come over here for you to be on your phone?” Cool down, asshole. You may be 100% right, but we have a creatively stifled person here, and you can’t just keep her from her Snapchat. You might as well just flush her future down the toilet.
Well, this bearded guy is the aforementioned Brendan. He seems like a dick at first (note the above comment about the phone), but then turns out to be somewhat grounded. Brendan tells his girlfriend that she was being a cruel harpy to her mother, and unsurprisingly, Morgan pushes back by saying “Normally I’m funny and cute.” Note that she did not use the words “clever” or “sweet” or “vaguely likable.”
Morgan then goes on to say “I’m just not the softest of flowers.” I’d say that again. She makes Audrey II look like a soft kitten.
“That Morgan really needs to chill out.”
Elsewhere in Beverly Hills, EJ has ceased dancing long enough to train his eyes on a new Mercedes. We learn that EJ hates sharing his current car with his mom and now needs a car so fancy that a valet parks it “in front.” I can definitely empathize with this. It’s why I bought my head-turning 2007 Toyota Camry.
Of course, when selecting a Mercedes, one must always consider color, and to that end, Dorothy has some very specific opinions. Basically, she refuses to let EJ choose a black model because “we didn’t go to Beverly Hills High.” The statement is quietly brilliant. She at once establishes that these kids are of the private school elite and furthermore that they will not be associated with the public school “type,” (which is Persian, if we’re talking about Beverly Hills High).
While we let that snobbery sink in, we head to commercial break, and when we return, the words “#makingamends” appears on screen. You guys, things are getting serious now. I think we are about to #haveamoment with #realtalk. As advertised, a make-up session is in order, and in this case, it’s with #CreativelyStifled Morgan and her mother (whom Morgan calls by her first name, which is odd). Morgan gives a half-assed apology about calling her mother a bitch, and unsurprisingly, Susan still isn’t thrilled with her daughter’s behavior.
“Are you making faces of upsetness towards me right now?” Morgan asks, giving us a glimpse into the breathtaking prose one might expect to find on Boobs and Lubes. Honestly, it’s a shock she’s not part of the American literary canon by now.
Well, after more complaining about her mother looking at her (ahem, public) blog, Morgan eventually comes to the realization that in life, she should respect her mom. Congratulations on finally grasping a concept first introduced in Kindergarten.
With #makingamends now #TotesAmendies, Morgan moves on to more pressing matters, namely hosting a sushi party at her bungalow. This allows Morgie the opportunity to declare, “I feel like sushi is the most social food… if you’re in Los Angeles, Beverly Hills particularly, you EAT sushi.” You know, I love sushi. It’s one of my favorite things. But this girl makes me never want to step near a piece of toro ever again.
Anyway, the sushi party allows us to see all sorts of other RichKids of Beverly Hills. There’s Saatchi, who appears to have just returned from a Clockwork Orange appreciation party. And then there’s Roxy, a disenchanted little gnome whose name might also be a descriptor for what’s in her skull. The two sit on couches and grumble about Dorothy, and soon enough, Dorothy herself enters the party and immediately snubs them, not even saying hello. This particularly annoys Roxy, who states, “I’m not surprised.” She shouldn’t be. I’m not sure anyone would want to say hi to a rumpled girl giving major bitch-face to everyone walking in the door.
“I can’t believe Dorothy snubbed me. And here I put on my most Nelly Furtado-y outfit for her.”
Nevertheless, Roxy acts likes she’s totally #overit, but we can tells she’s #totesnot. Apparently there was some MAJE tension in China, and I have yet to figure out what it involved. Remind me to DVR RichKids of the Yangtze.
Saatchi is also pissed at Dorothy, and he goes out of his way to tell her she looks tired. I’m not sure someone dressed like a pseudo-Malcolm McDowell is allowed to make derisive commentary on appearances, but what do I know? Either way, Dorothy soon pulls out her phone and texts with the elusive Cooper. This causes fellow partygoers to murmur that Dorothy is “not very present.” To be fair, I’m not sure I would be terribly present if everyone at the party was taking passive-aggressive swings at me and shooting me evil eyes.
Amusingly, as Dorothy texts with her man, Roxy whines that “It’s crazy [Cooper] never hangs with us.” Is it really that crazy? You people are all awful. I think Cooper has the right idea.
We then go to commercial break yet again, and this time when we return, tragedy has struck. Dorothy is in her bed crying, and we can only imagine the worst has happened: she’s being forced to spend a week in Beverly Hills High. Oh wait, it’s even worse: Cooper has dumped her.
Not Cooper! But they were so GOOD together. I mean, they were Coothy. Or was it Dooper? Either way, they were like our Brangelina. And now they’re DUNZO.
Well, luckily for Dorothy, Morgan is there to comfort her. “I don’t want to be alone,” Dorothy bawls, to which Morgie replies, “You’re not going to be alone.” Heh, you will absolutely be alone.
Dorothy then sobs that her life is over (it probably is), and Morgan empathetically states, “There is nothing I can say right now that’s going to make you feel better right now.” Again, creatively stifled. THANKS MOMMMM.
And so now Dorothy must face life after Cooper. It won’t be easy. “I don’t even know how to turn on my living room TV!” she sniffles. I half expect the producers to then cut to Dorothy aiming her remote at a toaster oven. Yup, she’s doomed.
Have you seen this ridiculous show? What do you think about it?