BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Who Will Save Your Soul (Patch)?

The gameplay sure is fast and furious on Big Brother where even the most minor interaction (usually stemming from Ian) seems to send huge ripples throughout the house. I won’t spoil what happened in last night’s show, but needless to say, we certainly aren’t facing the listless go-with-the-flow mentality that plagued the past two seasons.

That being said, this year’s cast is not perfect. While the strategy has been thick since practically day one, the fireworks — save for Willie’s grand meltdown — have been lacking. This season sorely lacks a villain to take Willie’s dumb place, and without a villain, a hero can’t emerge The closest thing we have is Boogie, but he doesn’t really annoy me that much anymore. That’s probably because he wears a Dartmouth jersey all over the house (not my alma mater’s proudest moment, but I’ll take it).Then there’s Joe. He’s the most detestable of the brood, but really only for two reasons which have been touched on JUST A TAD on this blog: his soul patch and his screaming. Kudos to Britney for pulling off a hilarious impersonation of the guy last night. Joe is full-on annoying. He thinks he’s hilarious, and somewhere along the way, he confused volume for comedy. I’m ready for him to go. And that soul patch. THAT SOUL PATCH. First of all, it’s not a patch. It’s like a hairy picket fence, a fuzzy banana, a bristly javelin. Whatever it is, we can all agree that it’s an overgrown strip of blond nastiness. I bet under a microscope it would look like the African savannah, and I wouldn’t be surprised if tiny zebras and wildebeests regularly migrate from the tip of his chin to his lip on a daily basis. The point is this: that soul patch / strip / caterpillar needs to go. I imagine Joe’s fellow cast-mates have secretly conspired to take a razor to his face, but clearly they all fear their eardrums being shattered by the Kentucky chef’s bellowing voice.

To make matter worse, Joe acted like a total idiot on last night’s episode. First he growled at the notion that he’d have to kiss Shane’s ass (despite the fact that he had previously made him BREAKFAST IN BED). Then he informed us that he was in a do or die position, further elaborating that he had to DO or DIE. Thanks for the clarifiCAYSH. Ugh. He’s the worst. Here’s the photocap.

“YEEEHAWWWW I DONE GOT NOMINATED! WWGFD: WHAT WOULD GUY FIEIRI DO?”

“DAGGGNABBIT MAYBE I WOULDN’T BE A TARGET IF MAH SOUL PATCH LOOKED LESS LIKE AN OTTER TAINT. WHOOOWEEEE!!!”

“I just jizzed on Ashley’s dream board! Hahahahahaha!!!”

Britney: “I’m sorry your players are up. We just don’t know if we can trust you guys.”
Janelle: “That’s cool. I’m just getting to work.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know, time to get to work!”
“What work is there to do?”
“Lots of it, and I’m getting to it!”
“You haven’t been working this whole time?”
“Nope. But now I’m getting to work!”
“Okay.”
“You mind if I leave now? I have to–“
“Please don’t say ‘Get to work.'”
“–get to work!”

“Listen, you might as well put Frank up because let’s face it: Ashley is worthless.”

“I swear to God, if one more person comes up here to talk game, I’m going to build a shotgun out of Red Vines and SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FACE.”

“YEEEHAW!!! TIME TO DO SOME ASS-KISSING. AND BY THAT, I MEAN I’M GOING TO KISS SOME ASS!!! WHOOWEEE CAPTAIN OBVIOUS DAGNABBIT!!!”

“Okay, Joe. It’s do or die time. And by that I mean I have to DO OR I HAVE TO DIE!!!!! I LOVE EXPLAINING THE OBVIOUS!!! WHOOWEEEE SOUL PATCH DAGNABBIT!!!!”

“I’M AS MAD AS A HATTER!! AND BY THAT I MEAN, I’M A HATTER… WHO’S MAD!!! YEEEHAWWW!!!”

“YEEEHAW!! I FOUND A BUTTON!!! AND BY THAT I MEAN THERE WAS A BUTTON… AND I FOUND IT!!! DAGNABBIT SOUL PATCH YEEEEHAWWWW!!!!”

“LORD WHAH HAVE YOU BEEN SO CRUEL TO ME?… Wait a second… The Lord is answering me… He says it’s because of my…my soul patch? HOW YOU NOT LOVE MY SOUL PATCH, LORD??? YEEEHAWWW!!! IT’S BARBIE HAIR ON MAH CHIN!!!!”

The Luxembourg Olympic delegation proudly enters the backyard. It’s only later that they learn this is not, in fact, the London opening ceremonies.

“WHOOWEEE!! THIS VETO COMPETITION IS A REAL CLIFFHANGER. IT’S LIKE A CLIFF… THAT YOU HANG ON TO!!! YEEEHAWWWW SOUL PATCH DAGNABBIT!!!”

“I’m crying inside.”

“Literally Joe makes me want to stab myself with THREE different knives.”

Wil: “I’m bored.”
Janelle: “Me too. BUT I HAVE TO GET TO WORK!”

“YEEHAWW!!! MAH SOUL PATCH LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE UNFURLED A MINIATURE BALE OF HAY ON MY CHIN!!! WHOOWEEE DAGNABBIT!!”

“Shane, if you save me, I promise to be loyal. I swear on everything: mah wife, mah kids, mah maw, mah meemaw, mah soul patch. Well… not the soul patch. THAT THERE SOUL PATCH IS MADE OF GOLDILOCKS HAIR! YEEEHAW!!!!”

Britney: “Will you save Shane next week?”
Ian: “There aren’t any forseeable reasons why not.”
“Literally, I don’t even know what forseeable means. Just smother me in this towel and let me die under the pool table.”

“Nnnggh. My stomach hurts. Why did I ever agree to eat Joe’s ‘Rockin Soul Patch Chipotle Yam Burrito Poppers?'”

“Well, I put my earrings on. Looks like it’s time to get to work!”

“Shane, I hate ass-kissing. It goes against everything I believe in. That being said, you remind me of the President of the United States of America, and as such, I’ll make you breakfast in bed again. But just to reiterate, I hate ass-kissing.”

Ashley: “My dream board said that I’d sit in one of these red chairs today, and then I sat in one of the red chairs; so I feel like you should save me because things are going pretty well for me today.”