I’m rather peeved at Willie’s early exit from Big Brother because it has deprived me of a season of punny headlines: “Willie to Power,” “Good Willie Hunting,” “Willie Da Foe,” “Chilly Willie,” “Willie Nillie,” “Willie’s Wonky Chocolate Factory” (assuming there was an episode pertaining to a rectal dysfunction), and, of course, “Free Willie.” Alas, my puns will have to wait for another time, and it’s all Willie’s fault, quite frankly. The latest Hantz reality star suffered a spectacular meltdown, resulting in an untimely ouster from the game and making him the least successful Hatz-ebrity yet. I’d like to put the blame squarely on Willie, but part of me thinks that perhaps Britney deserves some blame too, not to mention Joe’s rage-inducing soul-patch. Truth of the matter is that Britney had a chance to do damage control and guide Willie, but instead she opted to chastise, berate, and alienate her player. I’m not sure if Britney could have done anything to settle her hothead’s temper, but I can guarantee her attempt to shame him into obedience was a grave misstep.
On the plus side, great episode!
“I’m here to win a half million dollars, and I’m gonna do that by PUNCHING EVERYONE I CAN.”
“It’s okay, Danielle. There was no way for you to know that you’d be the only one dressed like kale today.”
Wil: “I never had a thing for Frank before, but now that his hair is turning all Richard Simmons, I just cannot get enough!”
“Be honest: can you tell that I made this jacket from an old disco ball?”
“Has anyone seen my lip glawss? You know which one I’m tawking about? The lip GLAWSS?”
“I refuse to touch daisies.”
“I wonder if I can get anyone to pet my massive MAN-THIGH?”
“Thoughts on my new clutch? I got it at Loehmann’s.”
“Willie, do not speak to me. I do not want to hear your voice. Literally, if you make the smallest, briefest, most benign sound, I will stab myself in the eyeball. Do not push me.”
“I don’t believe you. What if I sing some Roberta Flack?”
“‘I’m gonna set the night to music… weeee could…. set the night to muuuuusic…. weeee couldddddd…'”
“You are RUINING THAT SONG. DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU ARE RUINING IT. JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE. YOU MAKE ME SICK.”
“Honestly, I’m the best.”
“Did somebody say there’s a caboose full of peanut butter parked outside?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
“Aroused yet?”
“Thank you for coming on this date with me. I’m wearing my sexiest puke-colored ensemble.”
“Can you tell me the difference between organic and inorganic chemistry? Also, what’s chemistry?”
“Does this count as third base?”
Magic Mike II: Electric Bugaloo.
Magic Mike II: Electric Bugaloo.
“Word to your mother. This competition is going to be phat, homie. But only if you listen up, ya dig? Don’t be dissin’ my style. Now let’s kick it, or else I’m outie 5,000 so I can score some bricks and make baby mommas pregnant. ‘Cause I’m a rap star. Bitch this, bitch that, mother-effer.”
“I am so mad at gravity. I can’t even look at gravity in the face. Like, thanks a lot. You’re just ruining it for all of us, GRAVITY.”
“If y’all want to evict me, FINE. But I’m taking this teddy bear with me.”
“YEEEHAWWWWW DAGNABBIT!! HE AIN’T LAYING A FINGER ON MY TEDDY BEAR!!! HOOOWEEEEE SOULPATCH RAWHIDE!!!!”
“Well, I guess I can go get myself kicked out of the house now. After all, I’ve already won the big prize: UNLIMITED PORK RINDS — YESSSSS!!”
“Why oh why did I wear my SpongeBob smock today?”
Wilie: “Your soulpatch don’t scare me, Joe!”
Joe: “DAGNABBIT IT SHOULD!!! YEEEHAW!!!”
Joe: “When I get cornered, I like to stand like a 1986 Nintendo character.”
“Hey guys! Break it up!”
“Yeah, I really have no business attempting to break this up.”
Willie: “Your soulpatch smells like old tires.”
Joe: “Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to mess with a pregnant man?”
“I just looked death in the eyes, and it looked like a soulpatch.”
Britney: “It was so awful. I saw my life flash before my eyes. If he’d have taken one step closer, I would have thrown that red pepper at him. I SWEAR TO GOD I WOULD HAVE THROWN IT!!!!”
“You guys, let’s promise to never throw pork rinds at each other ever.”
Britney: “Oh my God. If Frank keeps jerking off next to me, I am literally going to vomit.”
“I’ll tell you who I’ll never headbutt: MAKEUP!”
What did you think about the big episode?
Holy crap. I laughed so hard at this that I gave myself a headache.
Couldn’t stop laughing at Roberta Flack, and thought it was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen you write. Then I saw “Bitch this, bitch that, mother-effer” and I’m officially slayed.
This is why I’ve been following your recaps for so many years it feels stalkerish. Hilarious!!
The soul patch. Man, it should have it’s own zip code.
OMG…that was the funniest **** ever!! The best one was the bitch this bitch that mother effer…lmao!!
…Willie you are a f***ing idiot. If you weren’t in the BB house, Joe would knock the trailer trash right out of your drunk hillbilly acting ass. ‘Hoosiers’ don’t play, son! Go JOE!…. and P.S. F*CK YOU ASHLEY! For dissing Ian behind his back and mocking the poor little kid for wanting a ‘date’ with you, just so you could run behind his back afterwards and just make complete fun of him to others… Like you’re some grand prize… Your f**king eyes are spread so far apart that you look like that damn Gizmo from the movie “Gremlins”… Anyhow, sorry fellow BB Lovers! I was just irritated and wanted to get that off my chest. I feel better now 🙂 Add a BB Junkie as myself to your FB friends list, My page is: http://www.facebook.com/RickPeavlerJr [Make sure you message me first and say you saw my post on this BB14 website, so I don’t think you are just some random other person who has nothing to do with BB addiction, LOL] Anyhow, thanks for letting me vent!!!! Sincerely,
☺←ϟ_Ʀȋƈƙ ƤɇḁѵḸᶒЯ ᴊⱤ *aka* ”ĴëŁĻŷ ŊŭŢŤƶ”™_ϟ→☻
If Joe was so big and bad he had his chance to do big things with Willie and all he chose to do was stand there like a overgrown moron.. Willie would have made peanut butter outta his fat ass.
Joe needed his ass thrown out, too. He did just as much as Willie. He was the one that threw his fists up first.. NOT cool at all BB. I hope Willie sues your ass!!!!!!!
My money would be on Willie in that throwdown.
But curious Sheba, what would/could Willie sue Joe for exactly?
Joe did nothing because he isn’t a psychotic idiot and he has sense and knew better and gets to stay in the game Willie is a lunatic and a bully and deserved to be removed before he really hurt someone or himself and Willie has no sort of court case whatsoever he signed the contract that clearly shows zero tolerance for physicality and he knowingly broke it if anything Joe could sue Willie for assault for headbutting him
You are so funny, I find I don’t laugh that much but this made me laugh very hard. You use language so well and creativity came out in all different ways. I think this is the first I have read from you, and have to see what else you have done. Kudos to you!!!
So which two Hantz’s will be on Amazing Race.?
hb
I’m curious to see what the she-Hantz is like.
“I don’t believe you. What if I sing some Robert Flack?”
who’s robert flack?
good catch…
I am mesmerized by Joe’s Soul Patch (not in a good way).
It is like an Escher print.
I look one way and see a his ugly mug, but once the Soul Patch seizes my ocular energy the patch morphs into a woman’s genitalia.
I have to force myself to look away and rub my eyes to remove the vision.
Absolutely hilarious!!!! The one with Britney and Frank almost made me spit my coffee on my keyboard!!! Wicked captions guys, I have a new favorite blog!!!
I tip my cap to you sir! Hilarious, as always.
Crossing my fingers and hoping BB finds a way to bring us Britney vs. Gravity: Round 2.
I look forward to these every week! Very funny. The Frank jerking off picture is priceless.
Spot on as usual… the Britney/Frank caption……. I’m STILL laughing!!!!!!
1986 Nintendo character made me laugh for five minutes. Thanks, Ben!
Hi, just wanted to say, I enjoyed this blog post. It was inspiring.
Keep on posting!