BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Tongue-Tied and Twisted

Well, it was another Sunday episode of Big Brother, which meant there wasn’t too much activity beyond nominations, but that’s aiiight. The producers gave us a few human interest segments such as Jenn’s coming out story (ie. pretty much the first things she’s said on camera ALL SEASON), and Ashley’s love of dream boards, which apparently work thanks to the universe aligning to send an iPhone into her life. Note that this was due to the dream board, and had NOTHING to do with the fact that Ashley walked up to an iPhone seller.

Of course, the indisputable highlight of the episode was the Coach’s Challenge (is that what it’s called? I forget), which had the coaches engaging in various suggestive undulations with their hips, pelvises, and tongues. I won’t lie: I snickered. Janelle wound up winning and saved Wil from being put up on the block. About that Wil. After the first episode, I feared he’d be one of the most annoying house guests of the season, and I’ve been pleasantly surprised with his generally benign presence. That may have changed last night, however, as his Diary Room interviews reeked of rehearsed silliness. Listen dude, you’re not a good actor. Stop feeding us canned lines.

Speaking of feeding, Chef Joe went the extra mile to present HOH Shane with a pancake breakfast. It was some transparent brown nosing, and perhaps one of the more pathetic displays of ass-kissing we’ve ever seen. However, what’s most offensive of all is that soul patch which is now blooming like a hideous corpse flower. Why no one in the house has taken a razor to his chin is beyond me.

For that reason alone, I was thrilled when Shane nominated Joe. Fingers crossed he’ll be gone soon. His screaming NASCAR fan gambit in the Diary Room was tiresome three weeks ago and has only gotten worse. It’s kind of a shame though because I actually sense that Joe is a strong schemer, but his desire to be HILARious is ruining any virtue he may have.

Meanwhile, Danielle is suddenly proving herself to be a little more useful than we ever realized. She’s not only scheming now, but she’s making jokes and not sounding like an idiot at all times. Big improvement. I’m also growing very fond of Ian, who was moved to tears when Boogie gave him $3,000 as part of the Coach’s challenge. I know most people hate Boogie, but I have to admit I sort of love his rag-tag team.

That being said, Shane should have listened to Britney and nominated Frank alongside Joe. I like Frank quite a bit, but letting him sit on the sidelines was not the best move for Shane. He definitely needed to get Janelle and Boogie fighting so that when he comes off the block, he’s not the main target. However, Shane had a side deal with Frank, and he felt compelled to honor it. As a result, Ashley went up on the block, and we were treated to a bawling fit not seen since the likes of Amber or Jen from season eight. Ah, those were the days….

I guess we’ll see how this all pans out…

Britney: “Oh my gosh, Shane, you did it! You won HOH!”
Shane: “Still doesn’t explain how we suddenly teleported to Aspen.”
“It’s a backdrop, you idiot.”
“Oh.”

Britney: “These boots are so tight. I’m so sick of them not being easy to get into. THEY’RE RUINING EVERYTHING!”

“WHOOOOOOWEEEEEE!!! MAH SOULPATCH IS GETTING BIGGER AND BLONDER!!! IT’S LIKE A GIANT PIECE OF WHEAT ON MY CHIN!!! DAGGGNABBITT!!!!! YEEEHAW!!!”

“YEEEEEHAWWW!!! IT’S A COWBOY BREAKFAST!! PANCAKES, EGGS, AND HAIR FROM MAH SOULPATCH!!!! WHOOOWEEE DAGNABBITT!!!!”

“This morning I put a protein shake on my dream board, and then this afternoon, I made a protein shake. The dream board works!”

Danielle: “Wait a second. Fifty-nifty United States from thirteen original colonies. How did they make states out of people’s butts?”
Shane: “Colonies. Not colonics.”
“Oh.”

“Literally, I hate physical fitness. It makes me want to throw myself off a bridge into a river made of acid and puke and rancid string cheese.”

“At last, all my years of humping exercise machinery have come in handy!”

“At last, all my years of secret Shakira impersonating have come in handy!”

“At last, all my years of making out with my desk lamp have come in handy!”

“This morning I put on my dream board that I wanted to stick my tongue out, and now I’m sticking my tongue out. Amazing!”

“I also put my ideal man on my dream board. You know, tall, short, has a neck, likes ping pong, likes the circus, likes breathing, likes blinking. Swoon!”

“YEEEEHAWWW LET ME TALK ABOUT MY IDOL, GUY FIEIRI!!! DAGNABBIT SOULPATCH WHOOOWEEEEE!!!!”

“Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend that Chef Joe never existed.”

“Ugh, I hate this chair. The only thing that could make it worse would be if it were woven with the hair from Joe’s soul patch.”

“I’m fixin’ to murder someone today.”

“Shane is NOT my ideal man. It’s too bad because he’s tall, has a mouth, likes saying things, eats food, and comes from Earth.”

“I am livid. I can’t wait to go into the Diary Room AND YELL ABOUT IT TO AMERICA!! YEEEEHAWWWWW SOULPATCH DAGNABBIT!!!”

“I don’t understand. I specifically put ‘Do Not Get Nominated’ on my dream board today!!”

“Will I ever find love??? All I want is a man with teeth and two ears and at least six fingers and a desire to buy a small octopus farm.”

“I miss ALF.”

What did you think about this episode?