REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Of Cake Bows, Fake Chins, and Evil Eyes

The Real Housewives of Orange County was a veritable smorgasbord of dumb drama last night, and that’s usually the way it goes with these flaxen bitches, who perennially rally to give us the craziest season finales year after year. Last week, Earth nearly came to a halt when it was discovered that resident drunkard / swamp person Sarah had broken off a bow from Heather’s expensive cake. The fondant fiasco continued this week into part two this of the finale when Sarah tromped her way into a kitchen and attempted to plead her case again, still incredulous that her penchant for grazing on sugary playthings had caused such offense.

Heather wasn’t having any of Sarah’s silliness this time around. She swiftly summoned the lawfirm of Slade & Turtleneck to eject Sarah from the party, but of course, not before alerting all the other women so they could collectively yell at the dumb wino. As Sarah stood there, confused and perhaps delirious, she sort of reminded me of a kitten who had wandered into a cage full of ferocious chimpanzees. Of course, she was a drunk kitten with fondant all over her whiskers, but a kitten nonetheless. It’s not to say I was sympathetic to her. I just thought her fearful, wide-eyed expressions betrayed a certain Oliver & Company quality that I found most entertaining.

“But it was just a piece of cake!!!”

Alexis did attempt to defend her friend, but let’s put it this way: Ms. Bellino won’t be heading to the Supreme Court anytime soon (although, gosh I would love to see that). Her way of speaking up for Sarah was just squawking “What happened? Does anyone know what happened?” over and over again. Clearly, it’s this sort of inquisitive nature that landed her a gig at Fox 5 San Diego.

Eventually, Sarah was packing from the Dubrow Estate, causing her to have something of a metaphysical, existential, and generally philosophical breakdown: “Is this what the world has come to????” she sobbed as if she had just witnessed the callous slaying of twelve babies in the name of sport. Little did Sarah realize that the very question was undoubtedly being asked about her: “Is this what the world has come to? That we allow trainwrecks in bad makeup to attend posh events? And then televise it???”

Oh I kid. We all know this wasn’t posh.

With Sarah gone, it appeared as though things might settle down. Vicki approached her new son in law and apologized for her previously rude behavior. It might have been a sweet moment had she then not demanded in return that he make Briana accept Brooks. Instead of manipulating her son-in-law though, Vicki should have been focusing on Brooks. After all, methinks Briana might welcome the guy into her life if he were just a touch less smarmy. Forget the teeth, Vicki needs to fix his attitude. It’s not to say that Brooks is an asshole, but gosh he gives me the creeps. Just the way he was drunkenly asking to see Jim Bellino made me want to put him on a bus to Mississippi. Or Alabama. Or wherever he’s from.

Speaking of Jim, the chin that aroused a thousand women did in fact make a surprise appearance at the party. He wasn’t going to come because, let’s face it, everyone hates him, but lo and behold, he did arrive, dressed — as my friend Lisa said — like a valet. Alexis was totally thrilled to see her man, acting as if he’d just surprised her with a yacht trip to Italy. This woman needs to raise her standards and expectations.

One person who seemed not totally thrilled to see Jim was Terry, who was in hot water with Sir Chinny McChinsalot. As you all may remember, Terry called Alexis phony, and he may have even insinuated some things about Jim too. The two were set to have a bro-date later that week, but here was Jim, entering the viper’s nest (which is not a reference to Tamra’s junk; although, it could be).

Upon spying Jim, Terry got all tough, saying that Jim finally grew a pair and showed up. However, when Jim did in fact come face to face with T-Dawg, Terry was all “Thanks for coming. Seriously. Thanks. I appreciate it.” Listen, I like Terry quite a bit, but don’t be talking all macho and then do THAT.

Anyway, Terry then dragged Jim over to a banquette to discuss “things,” and I have to admit, it was a pretty awkward moment. There was Terry, not only admitting that he had called Alexis phony, but detailing the precise reasons why he had said so. Jim looked displeased, and he appeared even more uncomfortable when Heather took a seat by Terry’s side. Stupid Heather — doesn’t she realize that when men talk, women are to be silent and in the kitchen? Jim Bellino’s chin must have been full of BLIND RAGE.

Of course, when Tamra then decided to swoop in to listen, Jim decided he’d had enough. This was an ambush, he declared in a very Teresa Giudice way. I actually empathized with his frustration — he did want to have this talk, but not on camera — but his response was as boorish as ever. Instead of saying “Hey, let’s table this until next week,” he just got up and left the party, not even saying goodbye to his wife. Stupid Alexis was left running after him in her heels, finally flagging him down before he drove off into the night. If my dad ever did that, ohhhhh man. He would not hear the end of it from my mom.

And then came the Main Event. Everyone sat down at a table and toasted to the year they had had and blah blah blah. Yes, good times had by all. Vicki then did the honors to toast to Alexis, who was now absent from the party. At that point, Tamra allegedly gave Vicki the “Evil Eye,” at least according to Brooks who suddenly barked “You want to go there?” Tamra was shocked, but I wasn’t sure about what: that she was caught? That Brooks was starting up with her? Or that she hadn’t given a blowjob to Eddie under the table yet?

Either way, even if Tamra had given an Evil Eye, it wasn’t Brooks’ place to get all confrontational. After all, it’s totally feasible that the Evil Eye had been directed at the mere mention of Alexis. Anyway, Tamra and Brooks began to squabble, with Tamra denying any evilness in her eyes, and Brooks announcing that he was defending his lady. At this point, Eddie probably should have told Brooks to shut it, but he just sat there like a scared puppy. It wasn’t until Vicki ordered Eddie to get Tamra under control that he attempted to do anything other than sit and smile.

Soon the fighting moved to a deeper place, with Tamra accusing Brooks of telling Vicki what to think and say. Vicki countered this with her patented screech-yell — the sort of cacophonous noise that is most often associated with Linda Blair and pea-soup vomit. Vicki declared that Brooks loved her and was a part of her life and doesn’t tell her what to do and blah blah blah. Watching her scream in her old lady fur was worth the price of admission.

Naturally, Vicki then attempted to leave (but not before another screaming match inside the Dubrow Estate), but Heather managed to halt their egress with talk of diamonds and toasts. Brooks amusingly attempted to ice Heather out by saying the moment was just for family, at which point I think we all wanted to chuck him over the bluffs at the edge of the Dubrow Estate. Tamra, meanwhile, kvetched to Briana about this whole mess, and soon Briana was outside, telling her mom that she appeared to be pushing everyone away in order to accommodate Brooks. Vicki didn’t like to hear that, but Brooks was eager to prove that he wasn’t alienating the Vickster; so he escorted her back into the party in time for Heather’s toast. It was a sweet little speech about the Brownies and old friends and new friends and silver and gold — nothing to write home about, but nice nonetheless.

Then Vicki decided to weigh in with her own passive-aggressive speech, announcing that she was sorry for the commotion but that Brooks was a part of her life and either you’re in or out. What the? Since when is THAT an appropriate toast to be had at a naming party? As my father would say, Vicki’s got a lot of class. All of it low.

In the end, I’m not even sure we saw anyone eating the damn cake that had caused so much controversy. Go figure.

“I got you this necklace, and it’s black because that’s not only your favorite color, but also the color of your heart!”

“That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. And now that we’re friends, I feel like I can ask you this question I’ve wanted to know the answer to for so many years: WERE YOU AT BASS LAKE????”

“WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO WHEN A DRUNK IDIOT LIKE ME CAN’T EVEN BITE A PIECE OF FONDANT OFF A $5,000 CAKE WITHOUT IT TURNING INTO WORLD WAR VI, OR HOWEVER MANY WORLD WARS THERE’VE BEEN???”

“Okay, Sarah, if you don’t leave, I’m going to call the ASPCA and have them take you back to whatever animal shelter you crawled out of.”

Alexis: “Please understand this, Slade: I am VERY vapid.”

“Whichever one of you ladies stole my husband’s tie, I’d like you to please give it back.”

Terry: “Hey, hon? I suppose now might be a bad time to tell you that I broke off the other cake bow and am using it as a pocket square.”

“These people are all fake. I need to be with real folk. The type who don’t mind if I get wasted on Apple Pucker and fall off a pontoon.”

“Ryan. Or James. Or whatever your name is. I love you. Now tell Briana to love Brooks.”

“I have no thoughts.”

“I guess you could the look I’m going for tonight is ‘furry grape soda.'”

“Jim! You’re here! But it’s too late! My transformation into yeti is nearly complete!!!”

Heather: “Look at that chin! What’s in there? A corn cob?”

Gretchen: “Let’s look at Slade’s RIDICULOUS turtleneck.”

Terry: “Listen, your wife is an idiot.”

Tamra: “Why’d Jim Bellino leave? Couldn’t take the heat? And by heat, I’m of course talking about me. Because I’m HOT. Like something that radiates MASS AMOUNTS OF HEAT. That’s why they call me the RADIATOR. Because I’m like a HOT RADIATOR.”

“Really? We’re going to toast to Alexis? Here’s an idea: why don’t we toast to a pile of pebbles. Or an old shoe. Or an old shoe filled with pebbles. I guarantee they all have higher IQs.”

“You just gave me the Evil Eye. I didn’t see it, but I felt a certain degree of occular malevolence.”

“I don’t know what any of those words mean.”

“Neither do I.”

Tamra: “DON’T LET BROOKS TELL YOU WHAT TO THINK!”
Vicki: “HE DOESN’T TELL ME WHAT TO THINK!!!”
Brooks: “I… I miss Jim Bellino. Where’s Jimbo at?”
Vicki: “AND ANOTHER THING: I MISS JIM BELLINO. WHERE’S JIMBO AT?”

Vicki: “IN CASE YOU’RE WONDERING, I WILL NEVER GET OUT OF THIS FUR. EVER!! I LOVE THAT MAN, AND THIS FUR REPRESENTS HIS LOVE FOR ME!”
Brooks: “Actually, I just found it on a dead pimp in Mission Viejo.”

“Your mom thinks I gave her the Evil Eye. That’s impossible. My face hasn’t moved in four years!”

“Oh, you know what you should do? Throw wine in her face!”

Heather: “I just want to let you know that everything is fine, there’s nothing to worry about, but… I think your face is melting off.”

“Honestly, Mom, it’s seventy-four degrees out. You can take off the fur.”

“Yaaaaaay! New name!!!! What a party! I’m full. Let’s just skip the cake, mmkay?”

“Oh my gosh. I don’t know who this lady is, but I LOVE her!!!!”
“Please, get Tamra off me.”

What did you think about the finale?