REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Vicki Screams, Gretchen Cries, and Alexis Gets A New Nose

Is there anything better than an epic party disaster on The Real Housewives? Probably not. Last night’s Real Housewives of Orange County delivered just that — thirty minutes of ridiculous screaming, crying, and angry accusations. It all began last week when Tamra invited Slade to Bunco night with the girls. Clearly this would lead to disaster in the wake of his nasty comedy routine, and sure enough, the fallout last night was loud and teary. Awesome.

As Slade settled in with his all-too-perfect mullet, Vicki huffed and puffed angrily. Of course, she always huffs and puffs angrily, but this time she really meant business. I don’t remember the exact order of events, but I believe she first exited the party to gain some composure. While she was gone, Gretchen informed Slade that the random gay tried to start up with her about the Improv. This resulted in Slade adopting his asshole persona again (the same persona he tries to hide when he acts all silly and jokey with Gretchen in their couples scenes) and ridiculing the gay guy. Now look, the gay guy was an idiot for babbling about something he hadn’t even seen — don’t get me wrong about that. But the way Slade confronted him — sarcastic, condescending, mean — it actually made me pity the gay guy, and the guy guy was legitimately awful.

The point is this: Slade is a huge asshole, and for him to defend his comedy act by saying he hadn’t been an asshole while simultaneously describing his point like an asshole, it just highlighted how much of an asshole he really is.

Speaking of assholes, in walked Vicki, who is an asshole in her own right. Her attempts to calm herself down clearly had failed because she tore into Slade like a deranged woman high on PCP. She screamed at him for making fun of her appearance, which is something she can’t change (lord knows she’s tried). I had to side with Vicki on that (although, admittedly, I too am guilty of making a few below-the-belt attacks on people’s phsycial appearances here and there). Slade’s defense was that he was merely repeating things that other people had already said. In the battle of the assholes, Slade wins a point (an asshole point, not a moral high ground point).

Ah, but then things got murky. Gretchen tried to explain that when Vicky yaps away about Slade’s deadbeat ways, it’s just as hurtful as when he mocks her appearance. True, it might be hurtful, but quite frankly, appearance is different than deadbeat allegations (whether they’re true or false). So while yes, it might be hurtful to call Slade a deadbeat, countering with a spiteful attack on Vicki’s face — as, er, untraditional looking as it may be — is a bit more vile and immature. Asshole point to Gretchen.

But then this got Vicki going on Slade’s child support issues, and the simple truth is that Vicki really needs to butt out of that. Asshole point for her. Gretchen thankfully brought up the fact that Brooks had gone to jail for being a deadbeat, to which Vicki replied that at least he works. Uhhh… asshole point for Vicki.

Then Vicki idiotically set herself up for total failure, ordering Gretchen to keep Brooks out of this. Well, why doesn’t Vicki keep Slade out of things? Huminah huminah huminah. Another asshole point for Vicki.

In the end, they all were assholes and all deranged. Vicki came off as rather hypocritical, which was too bad because honestly, Slade got off easy. Later in the episode, Vicki tried to explain herself, and I think I actually saw where she was coming from. The problem she had with Slade was that he was just loafing around, mooching off of Gretchen and doing nothing with his life — so while he may not have gone to jail, he certainly didn’t appear to be doing whatever he could to earn money to support his kids. That’s a slightly different point than saying he’s a deadbeat, and if Vicki had merely stuck with a party line of “Slade is lazy, and he shouldn’t be because he has kids to support,” she would have been the victor. It’s still none of her business, but whatever. All these people are nosey idiots.

Speaking of nosey, let’s not forget dearest Alexis, who also managed to drum up some drama last night. After Hurricane Vicki cleared out to Coto, the gang at the restaurant settled down, which allowed Tamra to do her favorite thing: be heinous. And funny. But mostly heinous.

In her typically classy fashion, Tamra began mocking Alexis’s impending nose job, questioning whether or not Alexis was getting a nose job truly to fix her sinuses or to simply remove the bump in her nose that she’s complained about for years. Long story short, Alexis heard everything Tamra was saying because, well, she was at the next table, and understandably, Alexis was miffed. Gretchen, Heather, Heather’s husband, and Tamra then tried to convince the poor, stupid girl that they weren’t bashing her, but I wouldn’t say they were totally innocent. And it certainly didn’t help their case when Tamra declared that Alexis had a big nose that should be fixed. Ouch.

Either way, it was a big nothing, but Alexis was hellbent on making a scene, and so she sassed off to everyone, particularly Gretchen who she accused of being a bad friend for not defending her. This then led to a lengthy scene of Alexis claiming that she always stands up for Gretchen (ahem, where was she when Vicki was yelling at Gretch?) and blah blah blah, Alexis is an idiot.

Later in the episode, Alexis showed off a slutty dress, and then after that, it was off to the plastic surgeon to get her nose taken care of. Despite having had surgeries on her boobs umpteen times, Alexis was quite nervous about this procedure. She was reduced to tears; although, maybe that had more to do with the fact that she had to appear on camera without makeup (and of course that made her looks ten times younger and cuter). Anyway, Jim — wearing one of his more douchy outfits — prayed for Alexis and made everything okay. Chances are he was out the door of the clinic within two minutes. We’ll have to wait until next week to see how the surgery goes.

Also facing surgery was Vicki’s daughter, who appears to be facing a very real threat of cancer. Brianna had to have her thyroid and lymph nodes removed — no small procedure by any means. You’d think it would put all this petty squabbling in perspective. But then again, we don’t tune in for these women’s great capacity to find perspective. Heck, Vicki practically made the surgery about her, nearly puking in the car as she drove Brianna to the hospital. Maybe it’s me, but shouldn’t a mother be strong for her daughter, not trembling and full of fear? Disaster.

Gretchen: “You guys, Slade got the job at McDonalds!!!”

Terry: “What do you say we ditch these crazy shiksas and get out of here?”
Heather: “Let’s. I didn’t like this place anyway. They present the menus open.”

Alexis: “Let me get this straight: guppies are NOT gay puppies? They’re fish? In what world does THAT make sense?”

“I’m so embarrassed I wore my work outfit to a costume party.”

“I’m a dick.”

“Ugh. I can’t stand Slade… and his sexy, sexy mullet. LOVE TANK OVERFLOWING!!”

“Just because I bought Mandisa’s Greatest Hits doesn’t mean you can make fun of me, SLADE!”

“VICKI, YOU ARE A HYPOCRITE! YOU MADE FUN OF SLADE FOR DOWNLOADING MANDISA’S NEW SONG.”

“ARE YOU A MOTHER? IF YOU WERE A MOTHER, THEN YOU WOULD KNOW ABOUT MANDISA!”

“I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO MANDISA IS!”

“SHE IS A GODDESS FROM AMERICAN IDOL!”

“WHY CAN YOU LISTEN TO MANDISA AND NOT SLADE?”

“BECAUSE SLADE DOESN’T WORK!”

“HE WORKS FOR GRETCHEN CHRISTINE BEAUTÉ!!”

“I’m sorry, but I do not believe he can support his children by working for company.”

“HE CAN. EVERY MONTH HE GIVES HIS KIDS HANDBAGS AND EYELINER TO BARTER FOR FOOD.”

“PLEASE. THREE OF YOUR HANDBAGS WOULD HARDLY BE WORTH ONE RITZ CRACKER.”

Alexis: “I wonder why Dominos Pizza doesn’t taste like dominos.”

Vicki: “I can’t stay here. I need to go work.”
“At this hour?”
“Yes. The ‘Caliente’ sign in my kitchen broke, and now I have to whittle a new one.”

Tamra: “I really want you to stay, Vicki. Rise above the hate.”
“I.. I can’t. I need to be home with my baby.”
“Vicki, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller, doesn’t mean you’re lonely when you’re alone.”
“Are you quoting Kelly Clarkson to me?”
“Maybe.”

Tamra: “Wait, before you go, answer me one question.”
“Tamra, I don’t have time. My ‘Caliente’ sign is broken.”
“Real quick though: how fugly is Alexis’s nose?”
“Oh. SUPER fugly.”

Gretchen: “It’s not fair. Why do we have to go back to our normal clothes after this???”
Slade: “Shhhh… shhh… honey. These ARE my normal clothes.”

“Honestly, Alexis’s nose is so big, it makes Barbara Streisand look like Michael Jackson.”

Gretchen: “Let’s never talk of tonight again.”
Tamra: “I’ll try, but chances are I’ll always be reminded of it every time I look at Alexis’s honker. I mean, it’s like Gonzo sitting over there.”

“Is this churro called a Tamra? Because it’s HOT. Like me. I’m like the HOT churro of women. And I taste like cinnamon too. HOT cinnamon, WHICH I AM. Hot, that is. Not cinnamon.”

“Riddle me this, people. Why did Jack and Jill go up the hill to fetch a bucket of water? Don’t they have indoor plumbing? I mean, everyone has running water in their homes. Am I right? I’m going to file an investigamative report with Fox.”

“Wow. She is so dumb.”

“Excuse me, I’m right here. I can hear everything you’re saying. Gretchen, I would expect you to defend me. I always defend you…”

Alexis: [crickets]

“What do you think? It’s like slutty nurse meets slutty PORNSTAR nurse.”

“You know, that Alexis chick is a real idiot. She thinks she’s getting her nose amputated and that her sinuses are in her gills, which for the record we humans don’t have.”

“Excuse me. I would like to pass gas.”

“Oh my God. I can’t believe I just sprouted purple freckles.”
“We drew those on your face.”
“Why would you do that? As if I didn’t have enough to worry about with my nose being surgically removed!”

What did you think about the episode? What did I miss? I feel like I missed a ton.