REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA PHOTOCAP: The African (Drama) Queen

At long last the Real Housewives of Atlanta — minus Kim — headed to South Africa so they could soak up the culture, enjoy the sights, and of course, scream and yell at each other like a bunch of banshees. Yes, there’s no such thing as a drama-free vacation on the Housewives, and South Africa was no exception. The controversy came courtesy of Sherée, who pulled the rather unclassy move of inviting “The Smalls” (Kandi and Phaedra) to her friend’s dinner party in Capetown, but shunning “The Talls” (everyone else). It was sort of like one of those reward challenges on Survivor when Jeff Probst allows someone to take two people to visit a waterfall. Except unlike on Survivor where people generally react by quietly scheming, the aftermath of this move sent the group into utter, amazing chaos.

Truth be told, it was fairly obnoxious of Sherayay to only invite half the group to a dinner party when they were all on a vacation together. Yes, I can understand her not wanting NeNe at this event, especially given the way NeNe acted at Kim’s friend’s mansion in Miami last season. However, any rational person on a ten day trip with a bunch of high-strung bitches would have the common sense not to do anything to create friction.

That’s what Sherayay did, and if anyone was attuned to poor etiquette, it was Marlo, who apparently had been reading up on her Emily Post in an effort to make herself into a Lady (I mean that from both a cultural and biological viewpoint). Marlo spent the entire episode babbling about what a woman should or should not do, but perhaps she overlooked the finer points about graciously responding someone else’s gauche behavior because the minute she found out she wasn’t invited to the party, she flew into a rage. Clearly she forgot the most important mantra of all: WWDCGD? (What Would the Dowager Countess of Grantham Do?)

“Enjoy your dinner party. I will be dining at NoBU.”

To be fair, the first time Marlo heard she wasn’t invited, she was very restrained. Sherayay calmly explained over breakfast that she hadn’t invited NeNe because they were in a fight, and she hadn’t invited Cynthia because she was attached to NeNe’s hip, and she hadn’t invited Marlo because she didn’t know Marlo was coming. It was okay because The Talls had other plans to go to Nobu that night instead (yes — they traveled halfway across the globe to go to a restaurant they could have found in Miami. What’s next on the roster? Lunch at the Outback?).

Anyway, all seemed to be okay, but then later that afternoon, the women had some weird airing of grievances, which didn’t really seem to fix anything, but the women wanted to believe it did; so they babbled on afterwards about how everything was great now, and there’d be no tension. Nope! No tension at all!

It was in the spirit of this kumbaya moment that Cynthia decided to offer up a symbolic invitation to The Smalls for dinner, even though she knew they had other plans. It was a nice gesture, I suppose, and as long as everyone was being friendly, Sherayay decided to extend her version of an olive branch to Cynthia by inviting her — and her only — to the dinner party, passive-aggressively noting that she could now attend since she’s proven herself to be “not attached at the hip” to NeNe. But could NeNe and Marlo join too? NOPE.

So what did Cynthia do to prove that she was not in fact all the way up NeNe’s ass? She went and crawled right up NeNe’s ass, immediately tattling that Sherayay had invited Cynthia but none of the other Talls. NeNe didn’t seem to mind that much, and Marlo should have appreciated the tackiness of the situation (what with her newfound etiquette knowledge), but alas, Atlanta’s finest socialite was not having any of it. She stormed over to Sherayay and lit into her. Of course, given how calm and quiet Sherayay’s been this season, it’s easy to forget that the woman is a pit bull, and absolutely no one — not one single person — has ever been able to step to her.

And so the claws came out, and the two women began yelling at each other. It didn’t take long before the entire mess devolved into pure “sound” as they both talked right over each other. And I use the term “talked” loosely as there was hardly any semblance of a conversation going on here. Both women immediately took potshots, attacking each other’s finances, housing situation, and classiness. As my father would say, this was indeed a very classy situation — all of it low.

Honestly, there was so much noise from these women that the subtitles couldn’t even keep up. All I can remember is that Marlo hurled a homophobic slur (on Bravo?? NOT COOL), and in the end, the two women wound up reduced to wagging their heads back and forth and making weird noises. It was one of the most bizarre fights in Bravo history. And totally amazing. If you haven’t seen it, find it online and watch.

In the meantime, here are pics:

Luggage by Luggagée.

“How you going to have an international arrivals with no fashions?”

Cynthia: “Wow. South Africa. I can’t wait to soak up all the culture. First stop: NOBU!”

Marlo: “I’ve been reading about etiquette and such. Here’s something I wish I had known: you are supposed to always say ‘Thank you’ and ‘The pleasure is mine’ when a doctor removes your penis.”

“Cheers to being scarier than the safari animals!”

Marlo: “Wow, Cynthia, you make even opening a gift boring.”

Meanwhile, on the season premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race…

“Is anyone else gonna talk about how Kroy and I are starting to look like the same person?”

In a surprising turn of events, Arianna insists that dinner be a reenactment of Downton Abbey.

Kandi: “Is there where apartheid was?”
Phaedra: “Finally. I’m glad SOMEBODY brought it up.”
Sherée: “Apartheid by Apartheidée.”
Marlo: “A lady never mentions apartheid.”
NeNe: “BAM! Mandela!”
Cynthia: “I wonder how I can make apartheid boring…”

“Would anyone here like to discuss politics or current affairs?”

“Aw hell no, Cynthia. If you’re not talking about vibrators and anal sex pillows, I’m not listening.”

Cynthia: “Hey girl hey!”
Sherayay: “So, Cynthia, if we say something bad about NeNe, will you go running back and report it to her?”
“Hahaha, of course not!! I’m not, like, attached to her by the hip! Although, that would be awesome. Remember that time on the boat…”

“… that was the best…”

Cynthia: “OMG I have to report something to you, NeNe!”
“Chile, you better get it out fast because you are putting me to SLEEP! BAM!”

Marlo: “As we all know, the proper etiquette when not invited to a party is to YELL AT A BITCH AND MAKE HOMOPHOBIC SLURS.”

“Sherée, I ate women like you for breakfast at the big house. LITERALLY, I would EAT WOMEN. I AM A CANNIBAL. AND A MAN. THEY USED TO CALL ME THE MANNIBAL. MANNIBAL LECTERN (because I liked giving lectures too).”

“Okay, I’m gonna start talking real fast and loud, and then you start talking real fast and loud, and then no one will understand us, and it’ll be awesome. Staaaaarting… NOW!”

“Girl, why don’t you come up here and fight me MAN TO MAN?”

Sherayay: “Marlo, if you so rich, why you in a townhouse? Where your ten foot portrait at? Huh? Where your helicopters at? Huh? Where your poets at? Huh? WHERE YOUR FASHION SHOWS WITH NO FASHIONS AT??”

“You better check yourself, Sherée, or else I will have Ted Turner personally see to it that the only cable channels you receive are TBS and TCM!”
“THAT IS LOW, EVEN FOR YOU MARLO!”

“BAM! I’m a peacekeeper!”

Marlo: “I’m Sherée! I don’t invite bitches to things!”
NeNe: “Wow, seeing you up close like this… you really are a man.”

“These bitches are crazy.”

What did you think about the episode?