The long and wonderful season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey came to an end this week, but not without one last dose of drama. And this wasn’t just any drama. This was BOOK drama — the kind these Jersey girls specialize in. This time around, the offending author was Teresa, whose cook book Fabulicious had just hit stores. In it, she takes cheap shots at Caroline, Christopher Manzo, and others — all under the guise of it being a “joke.” Maybe conversationally such jabs could pass as humor, but in a cook book? Not really. And thus Teresa committed the biggest sin of all: she crossed Mama Bear, and hell hath no fury like an angry Caroline.
The best part of this cookbook drama is that clearly the producers were no expecting it. Just reading in between the lines, it seemed as though the series was intended to end with Teresa, her brother, and Kathy making up and then the whole gang convening for Melissa’s debut performance. After all, how else to explain the presence of every single supporting character (minus Kim G — boooo!) at that Jersey club on the penultimate episode. Every Housewives fan knows that the season always culminates in some event or bash that draws all the faces from the past season. Nevertheless, the happy ending was not meant to be. Teresa’s book came out, and blood was drawn anew. Personally, I find her digs against Caroline to be the least offensive part of the book (I’d say the photography is a bit more stomach churning).
Anyway, it looks like this will all be grist for the reunion mill, which will happily destroy the fragile Gorga family once again after having spent an entire season carefully mending it. Gotta love reality TV.
As for the rest of the finale, we saw one last glimpse of Ashley, who apparently now has changed her name to Ashlee for no clear reason. She continues to be a disaster, regardless of the number of vowels she crams into her name.
Alas, I must be off to lunch; so let’s just get to the photocap:
“But I don’t waaaannnna get an exorcism!”
“I’m glad you called me over, Jacqueline. I’m all about scaring kids straight. The last thing I’d want would be for them to turn out like me: someone who willingly wears this stupid shirt.”
“Oh wait, you want me to fix Ashley? No can do, sisteroo.”
“Hey guys. I was thinking of changing my name from Ashley to Ashlee. I just want people to take me less seriously ‘n’ stuff.”
“Wow. She is REALLY beyond redemption.”
“The problem with Ashley is that she’s just a spoiled idiot.”
“I’m right here.”
“Oh, hi! We were just talking about how you’re a spoiled idiot.”
“Maybe we should buy her a new car?”
“Hey, Mr. Wakile!”
“Touch my fucking daughter, and I’ll knock your teeth out. I’ve stared down a T-Rex before. I’m not scared of you, punk.”
“Here I am! What do you think??”
“Wow… I never realized we painted that whole wall mustard yellow.”
“This a-little girl: she’s a-weak, like my son.”
“So what do you think? I put crude oil in my hair. You like?”
“So when do we take off our clothes?”
“I think Milania poisoned me!”
Kathy: “My heart is so full of love right now. LET’S DO IT.”
“Isn’t it great that everyone’s getting along at last? I wonder how I can RUIN IT.”
Caroline: “Hey kids. So glad you’re back for lunch. I was a little afraid I wouldn’t see you for a full twenty-four hours.”
“Teresa took a shot at me in her cookbook? Are you sure it was me and not Bonnie Franklin?”
“Oh it was definitely you, bitch.”
“Hey look. Teresa wrote about Caroline.”
“Teresa can write?”
“Teresa didn’t even mention my new single, “On Display,” which I am every single day, every day!!!”
“I WILL STOMP YOU TO DEATH, SISTER!”
“But I’m not even your real sister!”
“I DON’T CARE. DIE!”
“Teresa says we’re about as Italian as the Olive Garden. What a bitch. In response, I shall hold her book like this and DESTROY HER BINDING. MWAHAHAHA!”
“I bet Alexa Ray Joel would never write such mean things.”
“People, it was a JOKE! Like Melissa’s singing career!”
What did you think about the finale?
I will miss Milania she is my favorite housewife
Ashley and her swallow tattoo Swallows eat mosquitoes, they aren’t phoenix’s rising from the ashes to start anew WTF and this girl wants to move out on her own?
I can’t wait for this reunion show! Should be a good one. Great photocap as always!
I miss Milania’s twitter.
Me too Katie. What happened to it?
Great recap as always. Love the Bonnie Franklin shot.
She got in trouble with Twitter and had to change her name. She’s back though: @TheFauxMilaniaG
Yay!
Thanks! I love that little gremlin
Can’t wait for the reunion as well. Teresa really stirred up something this time, and folks aren’t happy. Except us, the viewers.
Teresa’s kids do seem demonic, don’t they. Poor kids.
go to TheFauxMilaniaG Katie.
Tre’s awful, the “it’s a joke-ah!” isn’t gonna fly, particularly when we all know it’s not. It was odd, though, how we went from January in Punta Cana to Spring in Franklin Lakes (a season a-flame with the possibility of romance and the stench of Guidice driveway sauce). I liked Greg’s joke about…beef was it? Separately, I found it distasteful when the singing Guidice child, the eldest (I forget her name), told Jacqueline that her uncle Joe had a controlling wife. I don’t like blaming kids, but that’s ill-mannered to make a weirdly grown up complaint to another grown up – clearly, she’s just repeating what her mom has said, verbatim. Also, Bside, ‘mustard walls?’ Comic gold! 🙂 Though something tells me that Caroline and Chris’s brother has very little interest in scaring anyone straight…
I think the season was over and they went back and filmed just for the book because of the shit Teresa was stirring. Also, proms are normally in the spring.
When will Housewife Hoedown be back?
My favorite part was when Teresa said “everyone” thinks of her like Lucille Ball…
I soooooo love these updates!!! Thank You!!!
She said that Lucille Ball comment was taken out of context, from an interview in season 2. Still though, there is really very little that is redeeming about this woman and her odd little troll like brood.
So sad the season has come to an end. Bring on the reunion! I hope Caroline puts Tre in her place.
DearTweslie, the Lucille Ball reference was my favorite part too!
Melissa’s sister Lisa is so obviously desperate to be on this show. She must be praying Jacqueline has truly opted out and that she’ll get an offer.
I could watch Milania all day long.
Also, I’m being Theresa for Halloween. My friend is being (the proverbial) Danielle Staub.
Oh how awesome! Can you post a pic of that?
Teresa is crazy. What was funny about her “joke” about Caroline?
Love the Bonnie Franklin reference.
Milania is pure loca. I like it.
When exactly did the book come out? One day it’s snowy and New Years, the next day everyone’s outside enjoying a summer lunch on da’ patio. Guess the producers had to go back after filiming to get reactions.
And according to Amazon’s reviews, Fabulicious is Grossalicious and Olive Garden would be a treat compared to that crap.
And Ashelee’s (not Ashley’s) swallow tattoo sucks, not swallows.
These are from Barnes and Noble:
Anonymous
No way!
Would not buy this book if you paid me! What a joke.
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October 13, 2011
Sandiegohousewife
Don’t waste your money
Recipes are nothing special, just a forum for Teresa to bash her friends and family. Don’t waste your money.
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October 10, 2011
Anonymous
Not authentic
I rather eat a can of Chef Boyardi than anything this guidette suggests.
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If I had a daughter like Ashley she would have been tossed out a year ago and she could go live with her father the felon.
Milania is a show all herself…I see “the teens of jersey housewives” in the future…with them fighting over who gets the car and staying all night and Theresa thinking how cute that is…cuz her girls are great because they dont strip at car washes.
Her remarks about her Melissa and Caroline were DIGS not jokes. Huge diff. Last night on the reunion she was loving being the evil Theresa…what an ugly person she turned out to be (on the inside) ….she even warned Melissa apparently that her forehead was too big and if she came on to do the Housewives the public would mock her. HA!
Best reunion ever. Great recap…always. I can’t imagine her brother ever speaking to her again after he sees that.
I love real housewives.