It was all about the kids and parents on this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. For Melissa, it meant communicating with her dead father through a “median” (before plunging into an earsplitting recording session of “On Display”). For Kathy, it meant having The Talk with her daughter in advance of a high school formal. For Teresa, it meant passing along recipes from her mom to her unruly kids. For Caroline, it meant reassuring Lauren that she was beautiful inside and out. And for Jacqueline it meant… well, it meant dealing with Moonface.
The bulk of Sunday’s installment pertained to the ambitious endeavors of Ashley, who last week we learned wanted to be an artist and this week we learned wanted to be a cosmetologist. Yes, “makeup school” appears to be on the horizon for our favorite aimless brat; so I guess we can say goodbye to her stunning modeling career (not to mention her high-powered position as an intern / reluctant commuter at Lizzie Grubman’s PR agency).
The problem, however, for Ashley is that she lacks the self-discipline, ambition, and seemingly brains to make any of these pipe dreams come true. That’s why Chris and Jacqueline called in reinforcements this week with the surprise arrival of Ashley’s (very good looking, wtf?) dad and his wife. The goal was to stage a miniature intervention because sadly it takes four adults to talk sense into Ashley, and even then I’m not sure that’s enough.
It all went down at a casual restaurant where Ashley appeared late as usual. I wasn’t sure if she was expecting the conversation to be centered around her or not, but I had to feel just the slightest ounce of sympathy for her being ambushed by four parents in front of TV cameras. Not sure humiliating your kid — as awful as she may be — on national television is the best way to achieve results.
Well, things went down as they always do: the parents calmly and respectfully informed Ashley that they wanted her to get her life together. Chris gave sage yet firm advice as usual while Jacqueline offered up needling, vaguely passive-aggressive notes of encouragement. Ashely offered up a litany of excuses for her behavior — so many I can’t really even remember them — and then announced that she wanted to move to LA. Great. Just what this city needs: another vapid idiot. I don’t know what the future has in store for Ashley in Los Angeles, but I sense it has something to do with the hostess stand at the Cheesecake Factory.
Slowly but surely, the tension around the table escalated, reaching a new high (or low) when Ash informed her mother that at least at twenty SHE wasn’t pregnant. That’s right, Ashley flung her very own existence back at her mom. It was a low blow, and just the sort of thing that brought out the claws in Jacqueline, who immediately noted that at twenty with a baby, she was ten times more responsible than Ashley without child. Of course, if it had been my father at the table, he wouldn’t have even engaged the snide remark. He would have just stared down Ashley and said, “Who do you think you’re talking to?” or “You better watch your mouth.” It’s an old trick my dad uses called PARENTING.
Nevertheless, everything eventually blew up (much to the dismay of the guy sitting at the next booth, who kept turning his head to see what all the clatter was about). Jacqueline called her daughter the most spoiled brat EVAR and huffed off in a fit of tears, and while Ashley IS the most spoiled brat EVAR, I do find it particularly loathsome that her own mother would call her that, especially on TV. It’s not that I feel sympathetic to Ashley, but clearly we see where her awfulness stems from (see note about lack of good PARENTING).
In the end, poor Jacqueline was left bawling in the basement of the restaurant, feeling hurt and rejected by her daughter, who clearly plays favorites with the parents. I say kick the dumb bitch to the curb. If she likes her dad so much, why doesn’t he take her in? Yeehaw!
“Milania, CALM DOWN! We just have to make pizza dough for five more minutes, and then we’re taking you to Father Merrin for your exorcism.”
“Of the many things I resent you for, Mother, this has to be greatest among them.”
“Richie, we can’t put this off any longer. Our daughter is growing up. She’s going to have sex. It’s time for The Talk.”
Richie: “What does Julie Chen’s show have to do with our daughter?”
“Oh gosh. Ashley is joining us. Better make this a double.”
“Good news, Ashley. Your knit cap looks dumb on me too.”
“Oh my gosh! It’s my surprisingly hot dad!”
“What are you doing here??? Can I have a car?”
“I just get so emotional when idiots are happy.”
“Hey everyone, my FAVORITE parent is here. Hear that mom? My FAVORITE.”
“In an effort to bond with my dog, I’ve decided to style my hair like a springer spaniel.”
“Honey, I want to talk to you about sex. If you have it, you will die. Have a great formal!”
“Omigosh omigosh! Billy Joel’s daughter is coming over!”
“Hahahhahaa isn’t Ashley the WORST?”
“Hahaha biggest spoiled brat I ever met. Way to go, WIFE.”
“Heyyyyyyyyyyy so I want to go to makeup school. I kiiind of need my own house for that.”
“You know, Mom, for all your talk, YOU were the one with a baby at 20. And look how THAT turned out.”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was too distracted by your dumb hat.”
“Ashley, I’m sick of you always recording The McLaughlin Group on our DVR!”
“It’s times like these I love being an absentee father.”
“Mom, you don’t understand how hard it’s been. Ever since the muffler shop on route 17 closed, the modeling gigs have really dried up!”
“I miss Danielle Staub.”
What did you think about the episode? Is Ashley fixable? Where did Jacqueline go wrong?